The Dullard Report

With Paul Dullard

“The Convention” part eight

Paul Dullard : (voice over) With quite a lot less than nine days to go until the Terradon One convention opens its doors to let in the people that have gathered outside for the convention, convention organiser Gary Hatt and his team are having the difficult task of breaking to each other how their hard work has not necessarily yielded all the fruits that they might have hoped would come their way. In particular, it is in the area of people coming to the convention whether as paying guests or paid… um… guests that the two main bones of contention have sprung up.

Gary Hatt : Not to put too finer point on it we have no one coming to the convention.

Mandy Mittens : That doesn’t sound terribly promising.

Gary Hatt : It is a disaster. It is An Evening with Peter Purves all over again.

Mandy Mittens : That was a bit of a flop.

Paul Dullard : What happened? Were his Blue Peter anecdotes not up to par?

Gary Hatt : He wasn’t there. He got caught in some dog show or other and had to appear by phone instead. The local DWAS coordinator didn’t believe it was Purves and wrote a very scathing article in their trashy little fanzine rag.

Mandy Mittens : He asked what Gary could do as an encore and suggested he try to invade Russia in the winter.

Gary Hatt : Which isn’t funny or clever, actually, since we did a module on political sciences at Birmingham University as part of my bachelor of arts honours degree and I’m actually a democratic socialist so I’d have no reason to invade Russia as they already conform quite adequately to my political ideology, actually.

Paul Dullard : So are you considering cancelling the convention then?

Gary Hatt : Absolutely not – we’ve got a few irons left in the fire and, although we’re not counting them before they’ve hatched, I’ve still got confidence that they’ll come up smelling of roses.

Paul Dullard : What sort of irons?

Gary Hatt : I can’t name names but you’d be surprised.

Paul Dullard : Would I?

Gary Hatt : Certainly.

Paul Dullard : Gosh. I wasn’t expecting that. I’m a bit surprised already.

Gary Hatt : You just wait until I tell you about Gary Downie.

Paul Dullard : Who?

Gary Hatt : Shit – it’s meant to be a surprise.

Paul Dullard : What is?

Gary Hatt : Gary Downie. Shit. I’ve done it again.

Paul Dullard : Who is he?

Gary Hatt : I knew I could trust you to pretend you didn’t hear anything. Thanks old man.

Paul Dullard : I’m not actually pretending… oh he’s gone.

Paul Dullard : (voice over) The daily arrival of mail gives Gary Hatt and his team their daily dose of news and developments in the cut and thrusting world of a heady mixture of glamour and excitement. Gary is expecting to hear from the few remaining invitees who haven’t turned him down like a bedspread in summer while Mandy Mittens is eagerly awaiting a letter of her own. The contents of which she doesn’t yet know but which, if it’s what she hopes it is, could very well be more exciting than anything she’s ever experienced before. If they aren’t what she’s hoping they are then they may well not be. Either way she’s still waiting for an envelope which contains a letter.

Mandy Mittens : It’s terribly exciting. I haven’t been this excited since Gary and I were locked in the cellar when we were fifteen and had to spend the night together.

Paul Dullard : Um… oh… gosh.. I mean... was it…?

Mandy Mittens : It was really great. I can’t tell you how fab it was.

Paul Dullard : Oh… golly… I mean you don’t have to… unless you want to…

Mandy Mittens : I think we both needed to do it – we were at that age where you have to don’t you? You want it and then when you finally get it and it’s even better than you’d thought it would be.

Paul Dullard : Oh my… I mean we are on before nine o’clock…

Mandy Mittens : We tore the outer layers off as quickly as we could and really got down to a fantastic evening. Then we had to try and get everything looking normal again when our parents found us the next morning.

Paul Dullard : Is it me or is it getting hot in here?

Mandy Mittens : Some people might think fifteen was a bit old to be doing that sort of thing for the first time but we’d never had the chance before.

Paul Dullard : It’s definitely getting hot in here. Would anyone mind if I went to open a window?

Mandy Mittens : Not at all.

Gary Hatt : What are you and Dullard talking about and why is he trying to open a double glazed window?

Mandy Mittens : I was telling him about the time we got locked in the cellar just before Christmas and spent the night playing with your presents.

Gary Hatt : That was one fab evening.

Mandy Mittens : I remember you got a chemistry set…

Paul Dullard : Gosh – that’s one tough window – it must get awfully in here. Hot.

Gary Hatt : Yeah – I remember trying all sorts of things and seeing what kind of results I got. I was hoping for more to be honest – I got a couple of good flashes but no proper bangs.

Paul Dullard : Sorry?

Gary Hatt : All childish experiments really but fun nevertheless. Though it left the cellar smelling rather like a swimming pool.

Mandy Mittens : Gary let me play with one of his but after about fifteen minutes the head fell off.

Paul Dullard : What?

Mandy Mittens : I’m surprisingly clumsy for someone with such carefully tended hair.

Gary Hatt : Is that why they used to call you "Butter fingers" at your all girls boarding school?

Mandy Mittens : Um… not really.

Mrs Hatt : Post is here Gary, and Mrs Mittens brought this round for Amanda.

Mandy Mittens : Ooooh – this could be it.

Gary Hatt : This may well be the big one.

Paul Dullard : (voice over) Tension has reached breaking pitch in the House hatthold as Gary and Mandy open their respective envelopes which will either make or break their days or vice versa.

Gary Hatt : YESSSS – Gary Downie said yes. We have a special guest for the Convention.

Mandy Mittens : Wooo hooo – I’ve got a part in a Big Finish play.

Gary Hatt : Well done Mand… what?

Mandy Mittens : You know that audition I went to last week that I didn’t tell you about because I knew you’d get jealous?

Gary Hatt : No.

Mandy Mittens : That’s the one. It was for a Big Finish and I’ve got the part. I’m going to be famous. Soon the name Melanie Muffins will be on everyone’s tongue.

Paul Dullard : Who?

Gary Hatt : It’s Mandy’s stage name. This is what happens when you study drama – you always have to upstage the centre of attention and grab the limelight spot. This is supposed to be the bit where I’m happy because we’ve finally got a star guest for the convention but no – it has to be about Mandy.

Mandy Mittens : Ah – about the convention…

Gary Hatt : What about it?

Mandy Mittens : Now that I’m a pro – someone who is actually in the show rather than just a fan – I can’t come to your little seminar unless you pay me a proper fee.

Gary Hatt : What?

NEXT WEEK

Gary Hatt : (clip) Someone once told me "Just ask yourself 'what would Agatha Christie do in this situation?' and everything will be fine". I tried it once but my dinner got cold and mum wouldn't let me do it again.