The Dullard Report

With Paul Dullard

“The Convention” part seven

Paul Dullard : (voice over) In a world where celebrity interviews are as common as bacteria or drug addiction, it takes something very special to make an interview stand out from the pack rather than blending in with the herd as all the others do or don’t if they stand out. Gary Hatt has interviewed a long list of famous people although he didn’t want to go into any details as the list is so long that he’s both forgotten the details and is hugely embarrassed at the wealth of riches in his portfolio. Today Gary and his team have come to interview Nicola Bryant, ostensibly for his fanzine “Catharsis of Spurious Morality” but unostensibly because he has met with no success in getting her to attend his convention by the normal and traditional means of going via her agent and knows that his face to face communication skills will likely produce a very different result.

Gary Hatt : Yeah – basically we’re going to get a bit of copy for the mag and then sell her on the idea of being one of the star guests at Terradon One.

Mandy Mittens : The only star guest…

Gary Hatt : One of the star guests. It’s like a snow ball – once we get her on board then she’ll attract other big names like flies to a honey sandwich.

Mandy Mittens : Even Frazer Hines has said no.

Gary Hatt : He only said a provisional no. The supermarket might get flooded or something and he wouldn’t be able to open it.

Mandy Mittens : It’s a bit of a long shot.

Gary Hatt : Not if you’ve downloaded the schematics of the store’s plumbing system from the internet.

Mandy Mittens : Was that the file labelled “click here to watch me squirt?”

Gary Hatt : Are you sure we’re on the right road, Mand?

Mandy Mittens : Oh yes – A-something-something. I’m not very good with numbers but I’m ice hot on letters.

Gary Hatt : Did you see what that last sign said?

Mandy Mittens : Sort of.

Gary Hatt : Sort of?

Mandy Mittens : I don’t speak Welsh.

Gary Hatt : Shit.

Paul Dullard : (voice over) Three hours later and with Mandy sitting in the back and me holding the map, Gary’s Fiat Acompli is heading back towards Southern England and a rendez vous with Nicola Bryant at her home in an unnamed town in a county she’s asked us not to reveal. Gary decided to make best use of the time they’d been handed by the hand of fate to explain his theories of interviewing.

Gary Hatt : Basically the trick is to be prepared and flexible. If you’re prepared but not flexible then the interview won’t go well but if you’re flexible but unprepared then you might get away with it if your flexibility is combined with a lot of luck. I suppose that preparation and luck might be enough and luck on its own might, by the very nature of luck, be ok. But if you possibly can then you should mix all three with your natural charisma and good interpersonal communication skills.

Paul Dullard : So that’s six things you need?

Gary Hatt : Is it? Shit. Now you’ve made me nervous. How can I do six things at once? You bastard.

Paul Dullard : Oh… no… well all I meant was that… well… there are six things you mentioned. Preparation, flexibility, luck, charisma, interpersonal skills and good communication.

Gary Hatt : I’ve got all of those and a tape recorder.

Paul Dullard : So that’s seven things.

Gary Hatt : Well no – if you want to be pedantic it’s eight things because the tape recorder would need a tape. Nine if you include the finger to press the record button.

Paul Dullard : Ten if you include your mouth.

Gary Hatt : This is why interviewing is left to people like me – it’s too complicated for normal people.

Mandy Mittens : I’m confused.

Gary Hatt : See what I mean.

Mandy Mittens : Why are the road signs still in Welsh?

Gary Hatt : Shit.

Paul Dullard : (voice over) Gary has decided to read the map himself and I’ve been sent to sit in the back and talk to Mandy in a quiet enough voice so as not to disturb Gary but loud enough so Mandy can hear me and hopefully answer some, all or more of my questions.

Mandy Mittens : Ask away. I’m ready for you.

Paul Dullard : Oh right… well… what is your function in the interview process?

Mandy Mittens : I’m here to write things down in my Snoopy notebook, make sure the car goes in the right direction and ask Nicola Bryant all the questions about her bikini and shorts because otherwise people might think Gary was a sexist pig if he asked them and he really wants to hear her talk about her bikini and tight shorts.

Paul Dullard : Good. So you’ll be quite busy then?

Mandy Mittens : I’ve also got to make notes about her clothes and furniture because I’m a girl and Gary is much to manly to notice things which would add colour to the interview. Apparently.

Paul Dullard : Have you met many celebrities in the past?

Mandy Mittens : I’ve met all my celebrities in the past – apart from you because you’re in the present.

Paul Dullard : Right. And of the one hundred percent of celebrity encounters which took place in the past, how many of them were there?

Mandy Mittens : I can’t remember.

Paul Dullard : Good. Actually, should we be driving across water?

Mandy Mittens : Not unless we’ve bought Jesus’s old car. That would strange – he was always telling people to get up and walk.

Paul Dullard : I meant over a bridge.

Mandy Mittens : I dunno – Gary’s got the map and I’m not to stick my freckly nose in grown ups business from now on because I wouldn’t know the difference between a map and a photograph of my grandmother’s varicose veins.

Gary Hatt : I realise this is a long shot but I don’t suppose Anglesey is in Southern England?

Paul Dullard : (voice over) Sometimes it is the journey rather than the arrival which teaches us the lesson that life has decided we must learn. On this occasion that isn’t the case as we didn’t learn anything. We had a rather nice pub lunch about four pm and got back to Gary’s parents’ house in Reading just before three am. Hungrier and a little bit thinner, it had been an excellent opportunity for Gary to bond with the team which could make, break or ensure the success or failure of his dream to hold the best Doctor Who convention that he possibly could. Unfortunately they didn’t take the opportunity. All they got was a rather abusive voice mail from Nicola Bryant about how she’d waited in all day for them and they could kiss her interview on the bottom.

NEXT WEEK…

Gary Hatt : (clip) I’ve got a few artefacts that stars have donated – Sophie Aldred let me have one of her badges, Bonnie Langford donated a genuine Vervoid leaf and David Banks once gave me a bit of Cyber head.