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 The Dullard Report With Paul Dullard “The Convention” part six Paul Dullard : (voice over) One of the first things that must come near the top of the list of anyone arranging a big event – where it’s on a grand scale or not – is taking stock of what the competition, opposition and rival groups are doing in the same field. To that end or one very like it, Gary Hatt – organiser of the soon to be famous Terradon One convention – has brought his team to an existing Doctor Who based fan meet and greet event called Alzarias Five which is being held in a hotel that we can’t name for legal reasons but which is located in the middle of Coventry and may well be named after a former King of Mercia. Gary Hatt : I thought that like we should come under cover so as not to arouse suspicion that we were hear to steal their ideas and try to like poach guest stars. Paul Dullard : Then why are you here? Gary Hatt : I just said – to steal their ideas and try to poach guest stars. But anyway I like realised that I’m quite well known within fandom so there wasn’t much point trying to like hide who I am. Mandy Mittens : It’s a pity Gary didn’t tell me that we’d changed the whole coming in disguise plan. Gary Hatt : Just be thankful that they didn’t have the lobster costume in stock this time. Paul Dullard : You make a lovely Cleopatra. Mandy Mittens : I’m meant to be Liberace. Paul Dullard : Her too. Gary Hatt : Anyway, my plan is to mingle with the common fans to see what they’re looking for in an event and then we can make notes – Mand – and use them as part of our over all grand master plan. Mandy Mittens : I haven’t got a pen. Gary Hatt : Have you got a pen, Paul? Paul Dullard : Um well yes but I’m not really supposed to interfere with the people I’m interviewing. Gary Hatt : It’s not interference – it’s a pen. Paul Dullard : Well I suppose… here you are. Mandy Mittens : Euww – it’s got teeth marks on it. Paul Dullard : Oh yes – those are my wife’s. Gary Hatt : You’re married? Paul Dullard : Yes. Gary Hatt : For real? Paul Dullard : Yes. Gary Hatt : God. I mean, well done. Mandy Mittens : I haven’t got any paper either. Gary Hatt : Can Mandy borrow your note pad? Paul Dullard : Oh well I don’t think I could – it’s got all my notes in it. Gary Hatt : Look – she needs to take notes or there is no point us being here. Paul Dullard : Ah… right… I suppose it couldn’t hurt… Mandy Mittens : Thank ‘oo. Paul Dullard : It’s my… oh a kiss… thank you. That was very nice… even coming from Liberace. Mandy Mittens : These doodles are very interesting. Paul Dullard : I wouldn’t say that… in what way? Mandy Mittens : This one suggests that you yearn to be a matador… Gary Hatt : Hello? Hello? I’m standing here. Not doing anything because my team are worrying about themselves. How selfish can you be? Paul Dullard : Right… yes… good point. So, Gary, what is your first point of strategy? Gary Hatt : Yeah, I think we’ll go over there. Paul Dullard : (voice over) With so much on display to see, do and possibly see again later on video, the Alzarias Five convention sets a very high bar which Gary and the Terradon team will have quite a job getting served at. Although Gary makes it quite clear that he’d already thought of all the good ideas on display, he’s still keen to learn as much as he can from the day. To that end he has tracked down the man responsible for the responsibility of the convention, Andrew Cummerbund. He’s now attempting to pick the latter’s brains without letting him become aware of it. Gary Hatt : So how would you suggest I go about running Terradon One? Andrew Cummerbund : Are you Gary Hatt? Gary Hatt : I am. (to Paul) I told you I was well known in fandom. Andrew Cummerbund : You were the guy who arranged “An Evening with Pip Baker and Dave Martin”. Gary Hatt : I don’t remember that… Andrew Cummerbund : It was an absolute farce – they’d never met before, didn’t know each others work and couldn’t answer any of your questions. Gary Hatt : It was a long time ago – I’ve done an awful lot since… Andrew Cummerbund : You blamed some blonde bird for getting the bookings mixed up and then snapped “For God’s sake you’re meant to be writers – can’t you make something up?” Gary Hatt : It was “for bollocks’ sake” actually… apparently. Although you may well be right – I don’t really remember… Andrew Cummerbund : What makes you think you can run a proper convention? Gary Hatt : I… I… I… oh just fuck off. Mandy – tell this ignorant shit that I’ll be in the bar when he’s calmed down. And if he gives you any trouble, call him a bastard. Paul Dullard : (voice over) It’s never easy to try and follow in someone else’s footsteps because some people have bigger feet than you do and longer legs. Similarly, going to one Doctor Who convention to learn how to do the same may not always end without violence. Gary Hatt and his team have learned a number of valuable lessons today including what not to do when encountering other people. As Gary slowly drinks a lonely pint of Fosters in a pub that is quite close to the hotel that we can’t identify for legal reasons but which is very conveniently placed for the West Orchards shopping centre, he must be pondering how he can stamp his own unique mark on a path that has been trodden by so many feet whose steps he can’t necessarily follow. NEXT WEEK… Gary Hatt : (clip) I don’t care whose mother you are, mum, you can’t sit in the yellow chairs because they’re for important people only.
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