The Dullard Report

With Paul Dullard

“The Convention” part five

Paul Dullard : (voice over) In this age of everyone being as equal as everyone else in those things about which equality can be determined by those involved, it is an important part of the preparation for an event on the scale of such as a science fiction convention or five a side football brunch that the issue of disabled issues be thoroughly discussed and digested long before the first wheelchair either wheels in or is unable to. Gary Hatt – organiser of the Terradon One convention – has received a letter from the local council nearest to his house which informs him of his responsibilities towards those who are more disabled than the average non-disabled healthy person. He has called a meeting of his team to outline their broad responsibilities in this area of concern.

Gary Hatt : Basically I’ve had this letter from like the council and they say we have to take steps to help those members of society who can’t take any for themselves because they’re in wheelchairs. They sent a pamphlet but it was really depressing. It made me thank my legs and go for a run. But the gist of it was that we’ve got to do some roll playing to make sure we like know what disabled people want.

Mandy Mittens : Do we get to dress up?

Gary Hatt : Not this time, Mand, no. Don’t pull that face Mand – you’re twenty two years old. You won’t get round me you know… I’m made of stern stuff…

Paul Dullard : (voice over) One trip to the local joke, novelties and costume shop later and Gary and his assistant sidekick friend and pseudo sister Mandy are ready to begin their improvised roll playing improv.

Gary Hatt : Right – I can’t be the disabled one because I’ve got to be the man in charge of the convention. Mandy can’t be the disabled one because she’s now dressed as a lobster and can’t sit down. Paul – would you mind helping us out here?

Paul Dullard : Well… um… I’m not really here…

Gary Hatt : All you’ve got to do is sit down and let me cope with your needs.

Paul Dullard : Oh right. Yes. I suppose I could.

Gary Hatt : In three then people… one… two… three… WELCOME TO THE TERRADON ONE CONVENTION – I’M GARY HATT B.A. (HONS) AND I’M THE SENIOR ORGANISER OF THE EVENT.

Mandy Mittens : Why are you shouting?

Gary Hatt : Because he’s disabled.

Mandy Mittens : Just because he’s in a wheelchair doesn’t mean you should assume he’s…

Gary Hatt : Exactly Mandy – well done. The first lesson is all about making assumptions about people. Just because a man is in a wheelchair and has a physical disability doesn’t mean we should automatically assume he isn’t also a mental. In this instance Paul isn’t a mental. From the neck up he’s as right as ten pence. Like Christopher Reeve – the David Beckham of wheelchair users, always the first man to stand up and be counted as a crip… under-abled member of society. Or whatever they call themselves at the moment. It might be a Scope or are they the Spastics? Anyway, what were we doing?

Paul Dullard : I’m in a wheelchair and I can’t get into your convention.

Gary Hatt : Have you bought a ticket?

Paul Dullard : Yes – it’s in my pocket.

Gary Hatt : Now we face a second problem – he is obviously wanting me to go into his pocket to get his ticket because his arms don’t work. But can I be sure he won’t get aroused by me feeling about down there?

Mandy Mittens : If he can’t feel anything, he can’t feel anything?

Gary Hatt : We only have his word for that. My dad was playing golf with this bloke who said he’d heard that about a third of people in wheelchairs aren’t handicapped at all – they’re just lazy. It’s true too – I was caddying for my dad so I heard it first hand. So Paul here might just be pretending so when I put my hand in his pocket, he might get wood and that would be gross.

Mandy Mittens : Euwww – he’s like forty or something.

Paul Dullard : Um, I’m only thirty two actually.

Mandy Mittens : There are websites for people who get off on old people having sex.

Gary Hatt : But, for the sake of the exercise, we’ll assume that Paul isn’t a perverted and lazy fraudster, he’s actually a genuine disabled. He’s got one of those stickers in his car and everything.

Mandy Mittens : They confuse me – if someone is disabled, how can they drive? It’s hard enough for me to drive and I’ve got the right number of legs.

Gary Hatt : You also wear four inch chunky heels and don’t know which pedal is the clutch.

Mandy Mittens : What’s a clutch?

Gary Hatt : Anyway, Paul is a perfectly normal disabled person and he can’t get in to the convention because we’ve got too many stairs. Mandy – what do we do?

Mandy Mittens : Wear different shoes?

Gary Hatt : We adults have moved on from your lack of driving skills.

Mandy Mittens : Oops. What was the question?

Gary Hatt : Paul is in a wheelchair – he can’t come in to the convention. How do we sort the problem out?

Mandy Mittens : Push him to one side so people behind him can get past?

Gary Hatt : Finally. Well done Mand.

Mandy Mittens : Wooo.

Gary Hatt : I think that pretty much covers everything. Oh, one last point, fire exits – don’t put wheelchairs next to fire exits as they block the way for healthy people. Most modern wheelchairs are made of flame resistant materials so they can be left until last in almost total safety. Any questions?

Mandy Mittens : Can we go back to the costume shop – I don’t think I like being a lobster.

Paul Dullard : (voice over) It is good to know that the less advantaged members of our physical society are at the forefronts of the heads of people like Gary Hatt and his team. It is a delicate balancing act to ensure that everyone has as good a time as possible at the convention without bowing to the nanny state and making everyone carry little ramps around with them in case they have to give a wheelchair user a helping hand which is what the man that Gary’s dad played golf with told him while he was caddying that the bloody Europeans are trying to introduce into this Britain.

NEXT WEEK

Gary Hatt : (clip) It may only be a tiny drop to you mate but it’s life or death to some poor bloke who’s never done a parachute jump before.