The Dullard Report

With Paul Dullard

“The Convention” part four

Paul Dullard : (voice over) One of the many things about which a convention organiser has to concern his head is the area of buying, selling and otherwise transacting merchandise. The organiser of the Terradon One convention, Gary Hatt, has come to an unnamed (for legal reasons) science fiction shop on Oxford Street in London. He’s hoping to persuade the shop to pay him a fee for erecting a stall at the convention and that the unnamed but famous shop might snowball into other equally unnamed though not so much for legal reasons as non-existence reasons doing the same.

Gary Hatt : Yeah – basically we’re here at [censored for legal reasons] to sell the idea of them renting a stall at Terradon. People like buying tat at conventions – they can get it autographed and that makes it ok.

Paul Dullard : (voice over) Apparently the act of someone who would need a great deal more fame to qualify as a minor celebrity writing their name in maker pen upon an over priced souvenir has an effect similar to that of an alchemist turning his water into wine in this age of online computer internet auctions online.

Gary Hatt : Right – I’ll go in and chat to the guy behind the counter and sound him out. He might sign up there and then but, being a pessimist for a moment, he might have to go and get some kind of manager to ok the deal. Then I’ll chat to the manager and hopefully we’ll have it all sorted in about half an hour.

Mandy Mittens : Why can’t I do the negotiating? Is it because I’m a girl? Woman. I meant woman.

Gary Hatt : I’m just not sure they’d take you seriously.

Mandy Mittens : Why not?

Gary Hatt : You’re wearing an "I Wuv Miffy" T-shirt and your rucksack is shaped like Bagpuss.

Mandy Mittens : I didn’t want to play anyway. I’m going to stay here and talk to Mr Dullard.

Paul Dullard : Um – I’ve actually got to go with him.

Mandy Mittens : I’m not wearing any underwear.

Paul Dullard : That must be… um… draughty.

Mandy Mittens : Men.

[inside the shop which we couldn’t name for legal reasons]

Gary Hatt : Hi – I’m Gary Hatt.

Shop Assistant : Whatcha want?

Gary Hatt : Catharsis of Spurious Morality.

Shop Assistant : We don’t stock it – it’s shit.

Gary Hatt : I mean I’m from Catharsis of Spurious Morality.

Shop Assistant : It’s still shit. We sold one copy and that was a forced sale when the guy sneezed all over the fanzine rack.

Gary Hatt : I’m running a convention soon and I was wondering if you’d like to rent a… look it’s not shit – it’s a bloody good read.

Shop Assistant : It’s wank – the editor couldn’t write his way out of a paper shop. A twelve year old with one arm and a limp could do better. A monkey with dyslexia…

Gary Hatt : Anyway, I’m not here to talk about the magazine – I’m here to offer [name removed for legal reasons] the chance to set up a stall in the very heart of what will be a dynamic and popular fan event. We’ve almost certainly got Elisabeth Sladen considering our invitation and potential future BBC and Big Finish author Tony Scarf will certainly be there unless his cat goes into labour, in which case he’ll be signing photographs later and posting them to people for a small administration fee.

Shop Assistant : Why would [name removed for legal reasons even though it was one of their own staff who said it] want to have a stall at some shitty little convention? We’ve got a fuckin’ big superstore in the middle of fuckin’ London.

Gary Hatt : I… I… I happen to be the editor of CSM and I do a bloody good job. It isn’t easy running a popular fan magazine you know. Some of the people I have working for me are simpletons.

Mandy Mittens : Well thanks a lot, Gary.

Gary Hatt : Ah – Mand – I didn’t… when did you come in?

Mandy Mittens : I had to – it was cold outside. I’m really not wearing any knickers. I got dressed in a hurry and couldn’t find them.

Gary Hatt : I didn’t mean you, Mandy. You’re definitely worthy of being under me.

Shop Assistant : Hehehe.

Gary Hatt : Grow up and get a proper job. My dad doesn’t pay income tax so people like you can work behind a counter and sign on.

Shop Assistant : Why you little…

[a fight breaks out, ending only when the shop assistant is knocked out by a Bagpuss rucksack]

Gary Hatt : Ow – my nose is literally hurting. I’m in pain. Me. I am in pain. Someone do something.

Mandy Mittens : Here – I’ve got a hanky.

Gary Hatt : (dabs nose gingerly) Hang on – this hankie has got Kermit the Frog on it.

Mandy Mittens : Cool – you’ve found my knickers. I wonder how they got in my bag.

Gary Hatt : Euww – I touched my face with your pants. That’s like really disgusting.

Mandy Mittens : That’s a horrid thing to say. I bet Mr Dullard wouldn’t mind having my knickers in his face would you?

Paul Dullard : Well… um… I… oh go on then.

Gary Hatt : Hello? Has everyone forgotten about my and my nose. Me in pain. That’s the main headline right now.

Paul Dullard : (muffled) They’re actually really soft – they must be very comfortable.

Mandy Mittens : Mmm – they’re my favourite knickers in the world. I love Kermit.

Paul Dullard : (muffled) So Gary – would you say… perhaps it would be better if you took the knickers away now… (normal) That’s better. So Gary – would you say this trip had been a let down?

Gary Hatt : Oh fuck the pair of you. If you don’t care about my nose, I’m not listening. Mand – have you got those copies of CSM? I’m going to put them on the shelves before the shop guy wakes up. When he sees them flying off the shelves he’ll change his tune. Wank indeed.

NEXT WEEK…

Gary Hatt : (clip)… If they’ve only worked for Big Finish then they can pay for their own tickets – we’re not a charity for actors who can’t get real work, broadening the franchise or no broadening the franchise.