The Dullard Report

With Paul Dullard

“The Convention” part three

Paul Dullard : (voice over) Trying to find a venue to hold an event largely depends on the size and kind of event that is being held because there are important differences between, for example, a craft fair and a bullfight. Typically, a Doctor Who convention will be held at a hotel or other venue though this sometimes isn’t the case when other arrangements are made. Gary Hatt – organiser of the Terradon One convention which was, at the time of making this documentary, still in the future – has set himself the goal of either succeeding or failing to find a suitable facility within the next few days or less.

Gary Hatt : Yeah – it’s like important to get the right kind of place. Too big and no one will be able to hear at the back of the hall, too small and some sad loser might try to grab India Fisher’s breasts. It’s an important balancing act.

Paul Dullard : India Fisher’s breasts?

Gary Hatt : She’s about the only one still defying gravity to any extent.

Paul Dullard : What kind of selection process do you go through when looking for a suitable venue?

Gary Hatt : Basically I wrote out an application form and sent it to twelve local hotels. I let them know that this was a big and important event and that they were welcome to bid for the rights to stage it.

Paul Dullard : Did any of them reply?

Gary Hatt : I get a lot more junk mail than I used to.

Paul Dullard : (voice over) With plan A out of the window it is time for Gary Hatt and his team to try and think of an alternative strategy. If that doesn’t work, they’ll fall back on plan B which is something that was in the back of Gary’s mind until the time came for it to move to the front and take the place of the plan that had failed miserably.

Gary Hatt : I’ve got good news – my day like plays golf with this guy who knows the receptionist at the Travellers Home From Home on the bypass and he said that she told him that we could use their conference facilities at a slightly reduced rate owing to them being closed to normal guests due to health and safety problems.

Mandy Mittens : Yay us.

Gary Hatt : Best of all, they have a dining room with a private area for special guests.

Mandy Mittens : Why do we need that?.

Gary Hatt : My other brilliant idea – we can charge people extra to have lunch with the actors. Be honest, you’d pay twenty quid to have a sandwich with Colin Baker wouldn’t you?

Mandy Mittens : Twenty quid is a lot for a sandwich.

Gary Hatt : The sandwich would be extra – the twenty quid would be for the honour of sitting next to Colin Baker.

Mandy Mittens : I don’t think I’d be too keen on that – from the look of him he’d probably eat my sandwich as well as his own.

Gary Hatt : We can iron out any snags. It’s a brilliant idea in principle though isn’t it?

Mandy Mittens : Absolutely.

Gary Hatt : Any news on attendees? Any replies from that last batch of letters we sent out?

Mandy Mittens : On the plus side, we’ve got a maybe from Barry Letts, a possible from Terrance Dicks, an ‘I’ll think about it’ from Caroline John, a signed photo from Sophie Aldred – with baby sick on it, euwww – and a cheque for five pounds from Louise Jameson who I might have accidentally sent the wrong letter to. That also means I’ve technically asked Cancer Research if they want to do a panel on Season Fifteen.

Gary Hatt : And on the other hand?

Mandy Mittens : That’s just a phone number of this guy who I got talking to in the pub last night. I might call – you know how it is – and I might not.

Gary Hatt : I mean you said all the above was the plus side, what is the bad news?

Mandy Mittens : Oh right – yes – with you – Lis Sladen almost certainly won’t do it. Not unless there’s bad weather up North. Apparently, if Hull freezes over we might get her. Christopher Bidmead sent a rather tart note saying he’s a serious journalist now and that he doesn’t want to talk about writing for a podgy boy with a semi on – that’s a quote by the way – and Rula Lenska swears blind she was never in Doctor Who and that we must be thinking of someone else.

Gary Hatt : So it’s a mixed bag then. Even though we haven’t made any actual headway I think we’re making progress.

Mandy Mittens : Cool.

Paul Dullard : (voice over) The task of finding a home for the event now under his belt, Gary Hatt is in a position to pull his socks up and start trying to put the icing on the cake that he is almost ready to put in the oven. His guest list is starting to come together, his fertile brain is coming up with solutions almost as fast as his management skills can throw up problems and his team are highly motivated to ensure that whether the car is going up the hill or down it, there will always be several feet on the accelerator to make sure the ship doesn’t come off the rails.

NEXT WEEK…

Gary Hatt : (clip) …Mandy – I don’t care what Christine said, the Hamiltons were never in Doctor Who and we’re not going to give them a free hotel room for the weekend. If she kicks up a fuss, call her a bastard and hang up.