The Dullard Report

With Paul Dullard

“The Convention”

Paul Dullard : (voice over) Doctor Who has been running off and on – currently off but shortly to be on again – for nearly just over forty years and in that time there have been literally countless conventions and events held in his or its honour. Hoards of devoted fans dress up in costumes which are either their own clothes or are made specially for the event so as to look like themselves or a character from the series they are there to celebrate. I decided to find out what makes an event like a Doctor Who convention tick and to do that I contacted Gary Hatt of the fanzine “Catharsis of Spurious Morality” and asked if we could film him organising their annual Terradon One event. Luckily he said yes and I did what I said I’d do – I filmed him. That film has made this documentary series possible.

Gary Hatt : Well, yeah, it’s a big job running an event like this but frankly it’s a challenge and I like get off on a challenge. It was a major challenge getting a second class honours degree in Media Sciences at Birmingham University and I’ve been challenged ever since. I want this to be the biggest event in the history of the past, present and future. Because, like, we know time is relative. I’ve got a short list of people I’d like to attend the event. It’s a really long short list at the moment because some of them might be busy.

Paul Dullard : With other acting jobs you mean?

Gary Hatt : Well, yes, that too I suppose. I was thinking of family commitments or something like that.

Paul Dullard : (voice over) Watching Gary at work in the convention office which for the other fifty weeks of the year is his father’s garage in Stevenage is like seeing a surgeon performing an operation. Everything is mapped out in fine detail, timing is crucial and it would be unfortunate if anyone got showered with blood. Gary and his right hand person Mandy are talking about potential guests.

Gary Hatt : What about Michael Craze?

Mandy Mittens : His agent said he’s only a possible at the moment as she thinks he might be dead.

Gary Hatt : When will she know?

Mandy Mittens : She’ll give us a call within the next day or two.

Gary Hatt : Any news on Debbie Watling?

Mandy Mittens : Her agent said she’s got a possible garden fete opening that weekend and that would take priority as they’ve said they’ll buy her lunch.

Gary Hatt : Did you mention that mum will do her a baked potato and bring it over to the hotel for her?

Mandy Mittens : I was holding that in reserve in case she’s playing us against the garden fete.

Gary Hatt : Good plan, Mand. Now – the big question – Tom Baker. Has he said yes yet?

Mandy Mittens : I’ve left seventeen messages but he’s not come back to me yet.

Gary Hatt : Did you mention that I was one of the people he spoke to that night he was selling Who stamps on QVC? I think we got on really well.

Mandy Mittens : I did, Gary, I mentioned that in messages five, seven, twelve and fifteen but it didn’t seem to do any good.

Gary Hatt : Did you drop names of charities which might benefit from the event?

Mandy Mittens : I went through every single organisation that had written to me this week trying to emotionally blackmail me into giving them my Direct Debit details.

Gary Hatt : If that doesn’t melt his doughy old heart I don’t know what will.

Mandy Mittens : Sylvester McCoy has said he’ll definitely do it.

Gary Hatt : Tell him we’ll let him know.

Paul Dullard : (voice over) Guests are only one concern of the convention organiser. They also have to concern themselves with where people are going to eat, sit, be entertained, get books and videos written all over and, in an emergency, where they would stand if the building was set on fire by a jealous former hotel employee sacked for stealing soap. All these fine details fall into the lap of Gary and his team.

Gary Hatt : Don’t forget the fundamentally important facts about fire safety procedure. Above all else we must remember that (a) the merchandise on sale is the property of third parties so we don’t have to worry about it, (b) those convention goers who have purchased two day tickets are entitled to leave through the fire doors before those who have only bought one day tickets and (c) anyone who was in Doctor Who when it was on the telly will now be old and therefore likely to get confused when a siren goes off. We must bare this in mind and help them as best we can without endangering my… our lives. Any questions?

NEXT WEEK…

Gary Hatt : (clip) I don’t care if he does have a chance to get on Graham Norton – a deal’s a deal and my dad plays golf with a solicitor. You can tell him that from me… and call him a bastard if he still says no.