Dear Diary (continued),

"Then we must find an escape plan" I said in reference to the events of the previous entry.

"You mean you don’t have an escape plan?" said Carol, apparently under the impression that beginning an escape plan meant the rest of the escape plan was already at least in working format in a draft document outlining the basic cost-benefit analysis, time frame overview analysis, payback period and risk-management matrix.

"I am considering a number of escape plan tenders" I said non-committally.

"Dammit, Butch, I… I… just dammit Butch. That’s all" said John.

A siren went off, echoing down the corridor and bouncing back at us from every available surface.

"Attention – a missile is closing in on the ship. If the missile hits – and not before – the crew will be permitted a short period of unpaid leave. During this period of unpaid leave the crew will not be entitled to a place in the escape pods owing to the rule that security clearance is removed from employees on sabbatical and your entry codes will be revoked. This is unavoidable and is being reviewed by Human Resources. Sub-human Resources have confirmed that lesser races will be denied access to rescue facilities regardless of their employment and/or security status. You are free to beat them even while on your unpaid sabbatical. One other note – there are three traitors at liberty and they must be captured, tortured, imprisoned and killed before the ship is destroyed or I will be putting a posthumous black mark on everyone's employment card. I hope to play some inspiring music shortly – I’ve been pressing buttons for the last minute and none of them have worked so far."

"Dammit, Butch, we’ve got to get off this ship pronto or we’re doomed" said the man John.

"Don’t forget Fingers" simpered Carol.

"Of course" I said, having forgotten Fingers, "I would never forget Fingers. He’s our technical wizard – if anyone can find a way off this ship and to safety it will be Fingers."

"Dammit, Butch, that means we need two plans and all we’ve got so far is no plans. How are we going to get some plans? Hmm?"

Minutes of the SS Pioneer Staff Meeting

Location : A Nazi space ship’s corridor

Date : the 28th Century

Present : Captain Maitland, Carol Richmond and the Man John

Apologies : Engineer Fingers

Agenda

1. Minutes of the last meeting.

2. The missile situation.

3. Not getting blown up by the missile (withdrawn as duplicate of item 2).

4. Finding Fingers

5. Any other business.

Minutes

1. Carried forward as none of us had a copy of the minutes. CM noted that this is not the first time it has happened and that he’s looking for the other senior officers to set a good example to Carol Richmond in future.

2. The missile is currently trying to hit the Nazi space ship. The Nazis will try and evade it for as long as possible. CM gave an update and confirmed that the Nazi ship continues to roll back and forth

ACTION POINT – Nazis to continue evading the nuclear missile.

3. Withdrawn as duplicate but TMJ wanted it minuting that he’s a mineralogist not a coconut in a coconut shy.

ACTION POINT – No one to throw any balls at TMJ as it could be construed as harassment in the workplace.

4. Fingers is imprisoned therefore he must be being imprisoned in some sort of prison or prison-like facility. Once this is identified and located, we must find a way in and rescue him.

ACTION POINT – Rescue Fingers

ACTION POINT – CM to check previous minutes and confirm whether this was an action point carried over from a previous meeting (see item 1).

5. AOB – All agreed that it would be a heroic death to die in battle even if it wasn’t our battle to begin with. TMJ added that he’d rather not die at all and everyone seconded this.

Next meeting –

Chair – Captain Maitland

Minutes – to be determined (depending on who – if anyone - survives)

We tried retracing our steps from the detention module and ended up at the kitchens (where we were sworn at but not recognised), the gymnasium (where my physique was criticised but we were not recognised) and the ship shop (where chocolate insignia were on special offer but we were not recognised).

"We must find the detention block" cried Carol Richmond, on the verge of tears and reminding me that I was expecting too much of her by treating her as one of the men. I made a mental note to be more sensitive to her needs.

"It’s that way" said a passing guard. I thanked him and he carried on fleeing for his life in the opposite direction. We forced the door (Carol Richmond proving skilled with a hair pin), overcame the security cameras (Carol again proving skilled – this time with a magnet), hacked into the computer network (Carol yet again proving skilled – this time with her fingers alone) and found Fingers’ prison cell. Carol persuaded the door to open using her skill with both a hairpin and a magnet (and her fingers as she didn’t manipulate the hairpin and magnet using telekinesis). Inside was our familiar if slightly stumpy engineer. Holding a gun to his head was the ship’s captain.

"So – this little runt is a technical genius who can save us is he? Well, either he comes up with a plan in the next ten seconds or I’m going to start shooting my ray gun."

This was awkward.