Dear Diary,

I stood with a nervous finger over the button. The force of nature about to be unleashed was terrifying to behold. I could feel my finger sweating as I tried to think of something to do to get out of his horrible predicament. I’ve faced hostile visioning seminars, have stared down alien monsters (some of whom were almost as tall as me) and have commanded great space vessels with some success but never before had I been charged with murder on a scale I could not easily imagine.

It was lucky that as part of my Captain’s training at the University of Central City I had to go on an "Inspiring Rhetoric" module and passed it with flying colours.

"Before we begin" I began, "can I just ask you one simple question?"

The Nazi captain nodded reluctantly as he sensed he was in no position to stop my torrential rhetoric.

"Why are we doing this? Why do you hate your fellow man so? Are we not all children of the same Earth? Born in the same fields and under the same sun as one and other. We have but one planet which we share with everyone else and the empires we build for ourselves are just extensions of that same oneness of planet which we have. The brotherhood of humankind is forged from the basic values of freedom, trust, love, friendship and joy. Why do you seek to destroy that commonality of universal brotherhood with violence? If we lower ourselves to destruction then we are no higher than those who have already lowered themselves. We should seek the higher ground for when the storms come, we will be safe. We should show the better way so when the darkness comes we can be sure of light. We should join together and form a human shield which together stands before the tide of senseless carnage. You and I – as metaphorically naked as the day we were born if we’d been born as twins – standing as the one thing which lies between barbarism and sanity. If we fight like animals then we will smell as badly as animals. Only the sweet smell of peace should trouble our noses. We should dedicate our lives to peace and advancement and to the absence of war. War is the wrong decision when offered the choice between life and death. The future lies ahead and the only way we’ll be part of that future is if we make the bravest choice we will ever make. Put down your guns, make peace with the Ottomen and the human race can become an inspiration to the peoples of the universe."

I sat down to no applause what so ever. My position was slightly undermined by not having a chair to sit down on. I looked more like a student at a sit in than a rhetorically inspirational ship’s captain but I still hoped me words would carry some weight.

"Press the button or I will shoot you all and then press it myself. We are an efficient crew – we could execute you all and launch the nuclear missile in less time than it would take for me to give the order."

"Ah." I said honestly. I stood up, straightened my tunic and pushed the button to launch the missile. A few seconds later we felt the ship rock from side to side.

"Was it a hit?" asked the captain.

"Yes and no" replied the man who was watching the space battle on a small screen that no one else could see.

"Well??"

"We hit something but it wasn’t the Ottoman vessel."

"What was it?"

"I think it was an orbital service station."

"But I was going to annex that after the battle. Gotten damn. How am I going to celebrate victory now? Find me something else to annex and someone re-load the nuclear missile gun – we must have another shot."

"The Ottoman ship has launched a missile of their own" advised the crewman.

"Is it on a direct collision trajectory?" asked the captain.

"Yes mein captain."

"Gotten damn."

"Dammit, Butch, I’m not going to stand here and let myself be blown to atoms – I’m a mineralogist not a rich seem of ore with sticks of explosive embedded into it and a satisfying plunger to depress from a safe distance. Turn the wheel man – turn the wheel."

"Eye eye" saluted the ship’s pilot. He spun the steering wheel and the ship lurched violently to one side.

"The missile is turning" said the crewman alarmingly.

"Dammit, Nazi, turn the wheel again – I’m not joking here. If I die I’m going to kill you all."

The wheel was spun the opposite way and we lurched again. I was cleverly ensuring that with every lurch I was getting further and further away from the nuclear missile button. I used my eyes to communicate my plan to the man John and Carol Richmond.

"Dammit, Butch, have you got a rogue eyelash again?" asked John.

"Lurch with me" said Carol Richmond, more open to the advantages of my plan.

"Control yourself woman – not until we’re married which we will be as soon as we get back to the Earth."

"No – LURCH with me" she repeated with gestures, winking and some innovative elbow work. The Nazis were too busy avoiding a missile to notice that we were getting closer to the door and our first stab at freedom in quite some time.

"We can’t shake the missile" warned the crewman as we slipped through a crack in the door.

"Hurrah – we are free" I said excitedly, hoping my morale boosting exercise would raise their morale as much as it had mine.

"Dammit, Butch, I’m not free and nor is my fiancé, Carol Richmond, and neither are you. I’m a mineralogist not a glass-is-empty, there’s no point in living, what is the point of being born, wouldn’t we all be better of dead loser but this ship is still about to be hit by a nuclear missile. Dying with or without a compliment of space Nazis is still dying."