Captain’s Journal

Star Date : The 28th Century

Dear Diary,

The two groups of grubby, aggressive looking men stared at each other, rigidly holding their line and not even blinking. I feared the worst but fortunately they decided to fight to the death rather than burst into song. It was quite tricky to work out which group of mentally ill astronauts was which (as I hadn’t spent much time with our lunatics even though I am technically now supposed to complete their monthly one-to-one assessment appraisals). I stood behind Carol and the man John and watched the bloodshed unfold.

"Dammit, Butch, I’m a mineralogist not a set of bullet proof curtains or a security cordon. If you don’t stop hiding behind me I’ll be forced to take a step to one side."

"Very well, John" I consented and I stood behind Fingers instead. He wasn’t as tall as the man John but even his limited height would be enough to protect my vital organs in case of attack-by-stick.

The battle was over quickly as our lunatics – strengthened by their years living in the aqueduct and having to walk everywhere – overpowered their alternative-universe-counterparts. The end came when one bearded man hit another bearded man with a stick and the latter fell over in a sunken heap. His comrades were held at stick point until their fallen commander could recover his senses and offer a formal surrender and the traditional victory gift slash spoils of war.

The defeated lunatics looked sheepishly at their feet while their leader brought forth a wooden chest.

"This is our holiest of holies" he said with awe. I don't know why but I felt it appropriate to bow magnanimously. "You have beaten us in lawful combat and honour demands that we give unto you our most sacred of sacreds."

"Thanks" I said. But he didn't give the chest to me - instead he sidestepped us and gave it to the leader of our lunatics (who promptly tried to eat it. When he found the wood not to his taste he passed it to number two. Number two felt duty bound to take a bite and, when he met the same resistance, thrust it upon number three. Number three just licked it and got a splinter in his tongue as punishment for his laziness. He had no one of lower rank to give the chest to so he put it on the floor and walked sharply away. I eyed the man John and gave him a look which said 'pick it up, John'.

"Don't wink at me, Butch - dammit, I'm a mineralogist not a sailor on shore leave after six long months at sea."

"Pick up the box" I hissed.

"What?"

"Pick up the box" I said in my normal voice.

"It is ours" cried the head lunatic but John is skilled in picking things up off the floor and was able to get hold of it before the lunatic was even half way down. The man John opened the chest, hoping it would be full (or at the very least half full) of minerals.

"Dammit, Butch, there isn't a single mineral in here. I was hoping it would be full or at least half full. I would've settled for half empty but all there is are a few fancy vests with wires all over them."

"Wires?" said the engineer, Fingers. He liked wires almost as much as John liked minerals, I liked performance management computer circuits and Carol Richmond like cooking, sewing, cleaning and arranging flowers.

"I suggest that we let Fingers analyse these wired vests..." I began.

"They are telemat vests" he gasped.

"...and when he's completed his analysis..."

"Telemat vests?" interrupted John.

"...he can present his findings in writing..."

"We can get back to the ship?" asked Carol Richmond.

"...and we'll consider whether to implement his conclusions..."

"I believe so" confirmed Fingers.

"...at the telemat vest steering group which I will shortly..."

"Hurrah!" exclaimed John and Carol.

"...be setting up. Check your in-boxes for meeting invitations."

"How many telemat vests are there?" asked Carol.

"There are three" counted John. "Bad luck, Fingers. It’s been nice working with you but all things must come to an end except minerals. They are eternal because they are so hard wearing."

"How do we operate these devices?" asked Carol.

"I’m sure Fingers can figure it…" began John.

"Oh" I said.

"Ah" added John.

"Hmm" murmured Carol. Fingers may have been smiling at our awkward (near) silence but it was so difficult to tell with Sensorite faces.

"Fingers, old friend" began John. "I don’t suppose – having forgiven us for the little joke we just played on you but which has backfired slightly because your lot don’t have a sense of humour – you’d make these telemat vests work would you?"

"I am skilled in mechanical matters but I would need to go with you so I could work the controls at the other end and let you rescue everyone else."

"Dammit, dwarf, we don’t want to rescue anyone else – these savages are scu…" He stopped when he realised six armed and dangerous men were starring angrily at him. "Good plan" he said after an uncomfortable pause.

"Fingers, John and I will emit ourselves up to the Pioneer" I began, having mentally sketched out a flow chart, "and when we’re up there, John will come back with all three telemat vests. He can then bring two more…"

"Hang on" said John. "I’m a mineralogist, damn it, not a cad. I’m going to marry Carol Richmond when we get back to the Earth and I’m sure as zanium is zanium not going to emit up to a space ship and leave her here with this bunch of scu… gentlemen."

"Then Fingers, Carol and I will emit up to the ship and I will send Carol back with the telemat vests."

"I’m not going to let you leave me here alone with these scu… chaps while you gallivant off with me fiancé."

"Then there is only one course" I said firmly.

"Carol, Fingers and me will go" mumbled John.

"Fingers and I will go up, he will show me how to operate the controls and I will stay aboard while he brings the telemat vests down for Carol and yourself. You can then emit up to join me and we can send Fingers down to carry the lunatics up two at a time like the story of Noah’s Ark which no one has believed in for three hundred years as superstition is a thing of the past in the twenty eighth century where we come from."

"That sounds like a plan" conceded John. "There are just two snags."

"There are no snags, John, only opportunities for personal and professional growth" I said inspirationally.

"Firstly, how are you and the little fellow going to emit up to the ship if there is no one up there to operate the controls and two, if the telemat garters emit you up to the Pioneer, where will these telemat vests emit you to?"

"I can overcome the first of these problems as I am skilled in mechanical matters" said Fingers. "I can rewire my telemat vest to give me manual control. The alteration is risky though and can only be performed once before the circuit is overloaded and the telemat vest becomes operable only be remote control."

"That’s lucky" said John.

"I can answer the second question" I told him, "We know that the Pioneer is the only ship in the universe with a telemat system therefore we can only be emitting to the Pioneer."

"But dammit, Butch, these vests didn’t come from the Pioneer – they must’ve come from…" but before the man John could finish his sentence everything when white and the outside faded away to nothing. We drifted back into reality in a darkened control deck. Military insignia of a historically familiar design hung from the walls, maps of the galaxy showed the expansion of an empire and racks of space helmets with single spikes protruding from the top filled an alcove.

"INNER" read Fingers from a plaque above a computer bank. "Intergalactic New Nazi Empire Reich" he announced.

I could think of nothing to say but to finish John’s sentence in a brave attempt at courage. "…another space ship".