Dear Diary,

I was at the brink of death at the hands of the man John when two miracles happened at the same time, one after the other. Firstly, the man John paused and let out an agonised cry.

"DAMMIT - I'M A MINERALOGIST NOT AN ANIMAL" and he tossed aside his weapon. Then the small telegram boy approached me and handed me a second message.

"Dear Captain stop I have snuck into the shuttle stop telegram boy is Fingers in disguise stop please hurry stop love stop carol richmond"

I showed it to the man John and he made an instant decision.

"Dammit, Butch, we've got to get to that ship."

"I agree but how can we when there are several large dwarves in our path?"

"We've taken care of that" said Fingers the telegram boy, removing his rubber boy face and showing me the alien visage beneath. A rumble of hooves told me that there was a commotion going on outside the stadium. A sentry spotted the party and cried out.

"The Giants of Noth" he shouted. The dwarves, faced with their mortal enemies, forgot about we humans and prepared to wage war. I lead my team from behind and we scrambled into the shuttle craft.

"Is the Pioneer still in orbit?" I asked.

"According to the radar scope they are energising up the thrust engines" said Carol Richmond. "The lunatics must be preparing to leave."

"Then get us into orbit straight away" I ordered. The man John began manipulating the controls and we were soon blasting off towards a hopeful rendezvous with the flagship of the human race. It would be a pity if the vanguard of Earth civilisation was comprised entirely of the mentally ill. As I dictate this we are still ten minutes away from meeting with the ship. Carol's instruments register a massive energy build up - will we make it back in time? If not I understand the fuel will run out and we'll either crash back to the surface of Noth, Toth or whatever the planet is called or we'll drift on until we each starve to death. I've pencilled in a staff meeting for thirty minutes from now and the agenda simply says "Organise a killing and eating crew members rota".

Dear Diary,

I had my eyes closed for most of the journey so I'm not entirely sure how we came to get into the shuttle docking bay area but get into the shuttle docking bay area we did. I gave the man John a five shilling instant reward token which he would be able to spend at any of the SS Pioneer's vending machines and he gave me a look of pained gratitude.

"Dammit, Butch, I'm a mineralogist not a five year old" he snapped. But I could tell the stress of the last few days had got to him and I let it pass over my head. We rushed to the bridge to take command back from the lunatics but they must've heard us coming. All we heard was "scarper men" and the sound of footsteps running from the control deck. The stationary cupboard door slammed, several bolts were drawn across and the sound of clinking Champaign glasses could be heard from within. Which registered as incongruous as there are no bolts on the stationary cupboard's door. I let the matter pass and ordered the crew and myself to take a well earned rest, have a bath or two and meet for a debriefing in a hour's time. The man John nobly agreed to share his bath with Carol Richmond as they both know that water is a finite resource on board the Pioneer. It is re-cycled of course using the re-cyclotron machine and at no point does it taste like we are drinking each others bath, bidet or lavatory water. Oh dear, perhaps I shouldn't have said that. I may have destroyed my faith in one of the necessities. Sometimes knowledge can be a dangerous thing.

Dear Diary,

We gathered, spick and span after our bathing, and considered our recent experiences.

"I think I speak for all of us when I say that the Telemat machine is a splendid invention" I said.

"Dammit, Butch, I'm a mineralogist not a backslapper but I can't disagree with that. The little fellow has done a magnificent job."

"Hear hear" agreed Carol Richmond. Fingered blushed and said it was nothing. I disagreed with him and said it was a triumph which, with certain improvements, would be a useful device. He took my hint and went off to improve his machine. Now that we were alone I could talk to my fellow human beings.

"Our experiences on the planet Noth or possibly the planet Toth have raised some worrying questions with regard to staffing levels and resource allocation" I began. "Fingers, though very useful in his own little way, cannot alter the fact that we have only three members of full-time staff on board the Pioneer."

"We could outsource some of the functions to the lunatics" suggested Carol Richmond.

"I have considered that option" I said, noting it down on my ideas pad, "but their disciplinary record isn't good and I would be hard pressed to justify giving INNER funds to men who will shortly be put on trial for attempted genocide. The board of directors would raise objections. They are still reluctant to employ Germans even though we are from the twenty eighth century."

"Dammit, Butch, where are we going to find staff from? You can't just land on a planet and register with an employment agency you know."

"I am aware of that, John, but I think that my idea to recruit Fingers has shown the way. We must encourage those aliens with useful skills to join our crew. That is my new policy."

"But all we've met so far have been aggressive savages" noted Carol Richmond. "Even the most well planned training course isn't going to remove a man's instincts to fight and kill."

"That is very true. So we must have in place a mechanism for assessing possible recruits on the spot. I propose we draw up a list of interview questions, a set of role competencies and a leaflet explaining the market-median pay ranking system. We must make sure we carry them with us whenever I lead an away-mission."

"Dammit, Butch, I'm a mineralogist not a careers guidance councillor. I'm going down to planets to find molybdenum and other valuable metals so that Carol and I can get married when we return to Earth. I don't want to be stuffing around asking bug eyed monsters if they can give an example of an occasion when, where and how they showed leadership skills."

"I'm sorry you feel that way, John" I said sternly. "If that is your decision and you refuse to abide by the decision of this ad-hoc staff committee then..."

"Yes?" he snarled.

"Then I may be left with no alternative but to take steps to terminate your contract of employment."