Star Date : The 28th Century

Dear Diary,

The feeling one gets when being emitted is rather like being in a hot shower which suddenly runs cold. I was one minute basking in steamy warmth and next thing I knew I was shivering on the surface of the planet Noth. Standing next to me was Fingers, he seemingly didn't feel the cold, and he was eagerly scanning the surroundings around us for signs of life. He pointed to a man made structure in the distance and suggested this was proof of intelligent life. I agreed with him and noted that I'd already spotted it and decided it wasn't an immediate threat as it was clearly miles away. We were interrupted by the clattering of hooves and saw that a squad of guards were bearing down upon us on horseback.

"More strangers" bellowed the leader of the group. "Where are you from, Earthlings?"

"We are from I.N.N.E.R." I said proudly.

"Just like the other strangers" he told us. "Take them to the tower."

"Who are you?" I demanded.

"We are the Giants of Noth" he announced. This confused me as he looked no bigger than the man John or I. His black hatted troops shepherded us back to their base tower where we were reunited with the man John and Carol Richmond.

I immediately sought to reassure them that everything would be under control.

"Dammit, Butch, I'm a mineralogist not an inmate" said the man John, who we mustn't forget has a history of mental illness. "I'm going stir crazy down here."

Carol Richmond politely pointed out that they were well above ground in the dark tower of Noth.

"What are you going to do, Butch?" snapped John.

"I suggest we set up a committee to brainstorm an escape model. Failing that we'll invite the Giants of Noth to join us in a focus group and see if we can find some common ground upon which to build relations."

"Have you any ideas how we might get out?" asked Carol Richmond.

"I do" I said. I handed John and Carol Telemat garters and announced that we would emit ourselves back to the SS Pioneer.

"Dammit, Butch, you've done it again" enthused the man John. Fingers tugged on my tunic but I waved him away. He tugged again. I waved again. He carried on tugging until I asked him what he thought he was doing.

"There is no one aboard the ship to operate the telemat" he mumbled.

"You mean it needs an operator?" I gasped.

"Dammit, butch" cursed John.

"Why didn't you tell me?" I demanded.

"I was about to when I spotted your Inspirational Thought of the Day desktop calendar and my judgement was momentarily blinded by the idea that 'a problem is just the grit around which the pearl of opportunity will grow'"

"That's it!" I cried.

"You've got a plan?" asked Carol Richmond.

"As near as dash it" I announced.

"What is it?" asked John.

"We will be perfectly safe as long as we never lose sight of the fact that 'a problem is just the grit around which the pearl of opportunity will grow'."

"Dammit, Butch" snarled the man John.

Dear Diary,

Morale is very low. We have been locked in this dungeon for three days now. At first we were able to keep ourselves occupied listening to the man John talking about minerals but now there is just silence. All I can hear is the dripping of some water, the humming of some machinery, the whirring of this dictatorphone and the beeping of Fingers' instruments. The man John has been playing patience all morning and I think the strain is beginning to get to him.

"Dammit, Butch, I'm a mineralogist not a garden gnome. All this sitting around is driving me insane again."

"You must learn self control" I told him, "otherwise it will confuse your brain. I am not wasting my time thinking about being stuck in this room - I am planning what we will do when we get back to the SS Pioneer."

"What will we do?" asked Carol Richmond, my co-astronaut.

"We will have a bonding weekend. Something to boost morale and teach us valuable inter-personal lessons. I have a videogram which will be most inspirational and I know an ice-breaking exercise which everyone will find instructive and enjoyable."

A heard a strange clacking noise coming from the man John.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"Dammit, Butch, I'm just playing with some crystals which I picked up off the ground when we arrived. I am a mineralogist after all" he replied.

"Let me see those" said Fingers. "But these are just what I need."

"You have a plan?" I asked of our little engineering fellow.

"I can reprogram the telemat garters to use these crystals as an energy power source and we will be able to emit ourselves a short distance" he explained.

"How short a distance?" I asked.

"Approximately one hundred yards."

"But that will take us beyond the walls of the Castle of Noth" exclaimed Carol Richmond.

"Then I am prepared to sign-off your request to experiment with the telemat equipment" I told him. He did something technical and said we should all hold hands to maximise the effectiveness of the energy power source he had created. I felt the now familiar hot shower feeling of an emission and when the imaginary water went cold we were standing outside the walls of the Castle of Noth.

"It worked" exclaimed Carol Richmond, my co-astronaut.

"I shall reward your contribution to team morale" I told him. "But first we must get back to the shuttle craft and leave this planet."

"You are going nowhere, humans" said a man on horseback.

"More Giants of Noth?" exclaimed the man John.

"Pah" spat the horseman. "I am the ruler of the Dwarves of Toth and you are all my prisoners."

"Can we telemat again?" I asked Fingers.

"Not without some more energy power crystals."

"John - can you collect some energy power crystals?"

"Dammit, Butch, I'm a mineralogist not a truffle hunting boar. It takes time to find the right kind of samples."

"Then we are doomed" I said.

"Mwahahahaha" laughed the leader of the Dwarves of Toth.