Star Date : The 28th Century

Dear Diary,

I awoke this morning with a great sense of pride. But eventually it passed and I was able to use the toilet without causing too much chaos. This is the first morning in what is almost a brand new universe. In fact, for all we know it may we be an actual new universe. Since we don’t know where we are, we don’t know where that is in relation to where we were before. I’ve made an executive decision to call it a new universe until I’m proven wrong. I’ve also decided, under the circumstances, to rename the ship the SS Pioneer as we are adventurers in uncharted space. Though I’ve asked the man John to do his best to draw us a map of the places we pass through. At the moment it is blank as he can’t find his pencil and we’ve locked the lunatics in the stationary cupboard. This is a problem as I was hoping to borrow his pencil later to draft the SS Pioneer’s new mission statement.

The lunatics have given up the banjo. They’ve started chanting in time with each other. I feared they may have discovered Welshness by breaking into the database but co-astronaut Carol Richmond thinks they might have found religion. I told the man John to put a tape recorder outside the cupboard to record their activities. We would then take it in turns to listen to the tapes and make notes on what was going on. The man John observed that this would be a real-time operation and we might as well just take it in turns to sit outside the cupboard and listen to them live. Technically Carol outranks him as she is a co-astronaut and he’s only a mineralogist but I’ve decided the man John is my second in command. Besides, he’s not a girl.
 

Dear Diary,

The man John reported a banging sound coming from a cupboard. I thought at first he had become imprecise when describing THE cupboard but it turns out he was right and I was almost right by virtue of outranking him. There was someone hiding in the water cupboard. I felt I ought to put the safety of the mission as our top priority so I let the other two investigate while I stood behind a trolley and supervised. The man John pulled a cowering Sensorite out and the tubby little fellow blinked in the light of the ship’s lights.

"Who are you?" I asked.

"I am a Sensorite" he replied.

"I can see that" I told him. "Do you have a name?"

"I am content with my similarity" he responded.

"What did you do on the Sensesphere?" asked the man John.

"I was an engineer. I am skilled in mechanical matters."

"Would you like to join our crew as an engineer?" I asked.

"Hang on" said Carol Richmond rudely. "He hasn’t explained why he’s on the ship yet."

"That’s true" I conceded, "why are you on the SS Pioneer?"

"I am fascinated by human beings even though you are loud and ugly creatures, have absurd names, wear no badges of position and tried to poison the entire Sensorite Nation."

"I have a badge of position" I said, showing him the Captain’s patch that mother sewed on the night before the Wellington took off from Central City bound for the stars. He seemed suitably impressed and said he would follow me and that I should command him. I asked him his name as we couldn’t just call him "Sensorite".

"I have no name" he said, looking a little disappointed.

"I am Captain Maitland, this is the man John, this is Carol Richmond – she’s a co-astronaut and a woman – and you will be our Engineer. Since you are skilled with your hands we shall call you "Fingers" as a term of endearment."

"Thank you" he said. I told him he was welcome to make up a bed in one of the corridors using whatever sacking or cardboard he was able to find. I’ll sort out the paperwork once we’ve found a pencil. Now that the staff of the SS Pioneer has increased by 25% I will need to appoint a third in command. Carol Richmond is top of my mental list but I can’t help but think that Fingers is a man and so less prone to being a woman. I shall seek the advice of the man John during our next performance appraisal meeting.
 

Dear Diary,

The lunatics have definitely formed a primitive religion in their cupboard. From what we could see through the keyhole it involves a lot of nudity and embraces sacrifice. They enthusiastically burned several pencils and offered them up to their gods before getting carried away and tossing several bottles of liquid paper onto their pyre. The fumes rendered them unconscious and the man John was able to sneak in and secure us much needed stationary supplies. He described several crude paintings they had done on the walls – one of their gods appears to be an old, white haired man. I can only assume they’re channelling a race memory and recalling images of the gods worshipped in the olden days back home on Earth. But enough of theology, I am now able to make Fingers an official member of the crew as he’ll be able to sign the forms.

Dear Diary,

"The SS Pioneer will bravely journey where no courageous human beings have dynamically ventured and creatively encourage the peaceful co-operation between cultures for the cross-species benefit of all".

It was worth the man John risking his life – it is a mission statement that INNER themselves would be proud of. Fingers is now officially a member of the crew. It took some time for me to explain to him the concept of signing a contract of employment. Eventually he scrawled "Fnigers" at the bottom of the page and I accepted it as the best we were going to get. Desperate times call for desperate measures. When we got to the flight control centre deck I was informed by an excited man John that the sensors were registering a new planet. It appears we are about to make contact with an entirely alien species. I’ve prepared a flip chart and arranged a brain storming meeting tomorrow to discuss our options vis-à-vis the planet around which the SS Pioneer is currently orbiting. I let Carol Richmond put us into parking orbit and she did rather well for a woman. She was a little close to a satellite at one point but once I’d closed my eyes it was fine.