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This isn’t a nit pickers
guide, a bloopers list or a chapter from “Everything I Know About Pedantry
I Learned from Doctor Who” but it is extremely stupid that in a story
about an army of Daleks that are deep frozen to keep them fresh, Terry
Nation writes a scene in which the Doctor explains that extreme cold kills
Daleks and them demonstrates this by pushing two Daleks into a river of
molten ice. Said Daleks are about three inches into the gloop, the Doctor
and the Thals are happily wandering round in it and yet it is enough to
kill the Skarovians in their warm polycarbide armour. Yes. Right.
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There is something
homoerotic about those plants that ejaculate all over people.
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The Daleks decide that the
best way to eliminate a hand full of rebels is to release a plague which
will necessitate immunising ten thousand frozen Daleks beforehand. Hmm –
Ruthless Dalek Logic XP is obviously yet another operating system not to
feature the sense of proportion plug-in.
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A word of advice to any
bloke planning on making a relationship work – don’t tell your loved one
that her presence may well be the reason you all die horribly at the hands
of the most evil beings in the universe. It tends to put women off.
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There is something that I
find extremely amusing in the scene where the Doctor & Co have escaped up
the shaft and the head Dalek announces “the prisoners are hiding” in a way
that reminds me of the fat boy at school who thinks he’s made some friends
but won’t admit that he hasn’t.
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I’m not even going to rise
to the bait and mock “space medicine” – it would be too easy. Maybe if I’m
struggling around point 19 or 20 I’ll have a pop but not yet.
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The Thal that fancies Jo
offers to help her carry the bombs, she says she’ll show him where they
are and then shows him to their hiding place, all of three feet away. It
took longer to explain than it did to do.
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Big rock falls on Jo’s head
and she isn’t killed. Hmm – maybe being blonde does have its uses.
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“The Daleks really know how
to build space ships” said Tim Preece as two spray painted margarine tubs
are lowered into place.
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How on Earth could Jo
possibly turn down the chance to go and live on the same planet as the Dalek’s main city? And with the added bonus of a boyfriend with no
personality too? Foolish girl.
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I wonder what meets of the Dalek Supreme Council are like. Do they have an agenda? Do those present
get expenses for turning up? Are there minutes? “Those present Sir James
Dalek, Michael Dalek, Mrs Petunia Dalek and Clive St John Dalek. Absentees
Kevin Dalek, Bernard Dalek and Mrs Cynthia Dalek send their apologies”
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Imagine being an American
and watching the omnibus which completely cuts out the B&W episode. It
would give you 25 minutes of your life back for one thing.
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All that crap about the
Tardis running out of air just because the plants have given the Tardis a
facial. In fact, Terry Nation seems to be making any old shit up for the
Doctor in part one – first he falls into a frosted coma for no reason then
almost suffocates… for no reason. He obviously preferred writing for
William Hartnell who was old and therefore could be left sitting on a
bench for 20 minutes while everyone else enjoyed themselves.
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I mean look – the Doctor
sticks his bare hand into the molten ice. It can’t be that cold can it???
Not cold enough to kill a Dalek. Especially since he says later than
flooding the frozen Daleks cave won’t kill them. I’m sorry but it just
annoys me. I’ll try to get over it though.
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Let’s face another fact –
the Thals are rubbish. They crash every one of their space ships, they sit
around and let themselves get killed and those guns are so pathetic that
they might as well have left them at home and just gone “bang” whenever
confronted with a Dalek. Of all the races in the universe, you’d think the
Thals would know that Daleks are well protected. Except against cold toes…
argh… I must stop the rage…
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Speaking of guns, wasn’t
it nice of the Daleks to hang Codal’s gun on a handy hat stand just
outside his cell? That must’ve taken ages to do with their plungers.
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The number of
cliff-hangers which don’t feature the Doctor or Jo must be a record. It’s
a mark of how much we’ve come to know and love these characters that these
are some of the least dramatic episode endings in the show’s history.
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The idea of Jo recording
everything in the log was a classic sign – speaking as an amateur
psychologist of almost no reputation – of Terry Nation’s frustration at
never being allowed to write a novel.
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Actually, the whole molten
ice thing is quite homoerotic too. A gigantic eruption of stick white
fluid… I think Terry Nation must’ve started HRT shortly before starting
work on the scripts.
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The Thals all had five
letter names, the same colour hair and wore the same clothes. It was only
Terry Nation’s one dimensional, stock characterisation which let us tell
them apart. The wise leader, the rebellious youth, the simpering female,
the sensitive one and those who were going to be killed quickly.
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Why don’t the Thals have
holes cut in the legs of their space suits?
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Why do the Daleks have a
large sheet of plastic in one of their control rooms? Have they just
installed a new machine? Is that why they’re all irritable? Is Spiradon
too far for the manufacturer to send a repair man out within 24 hours? Or
were they themselves thinking about taking up hot air ballooning because
it really is most exhilarating?
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If episode one had taken
place in Singapore, the Doctor would’ve been caned as a vandal and quite
right too. Bloody graffiti.
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Ok ok ok – what the frick
is space medicine??? Why is there MFI furniture in the Tardis??? Terrance
Dicks’ “But Tewwy, you’ve sold us this scwipt before…” anecdote… it’s
Planet of the Daleks and it isn’t very good.
