Colony in Space

I’m going to tread upon Mr Hunt’s august toes AND I’m going to think the unthinkable, say the unsayable and type the untypeable. I’m going to tell you why Colony in Space is the most charming Dr Who story of them all. There are many different ways of categorising Doctor Who stories. There are great stories, excellent performances, remarkable productions, warm nostalgia-fests, brave pieces of experimentation, camp classics for the bendy fans to embrace and even a couple of stories we wouldn’t curl up with embarrassment if non-fans saw them. There are plenty of reviews and polls on the net. I hear there are even a few episode guides. And in the wide world there are books which will tell you all you need to know about the good, the bad and the Meglos. I don’t bother with well-reasoned arguments – I go off the fuzzy-factor and Colony in Space scores a high fuzzy rating.

It’s quite a dull story but in a Horlicksy kind of way. It soothes one before bedtime. To my eternal shame I am about to confess that I’ve had Colony in Space on a bedtime loop for quite some weeks now. I must be on my sixth or seventh run through. A few minutes each night while I arse about with clothes, Clearasil and clutter and enjoy this sweet little story. But, against my better judgement perhaps, I’m going to try and analyse why I find this story so amiable.

1. It is the 25th Century and the IMC spaceship has a cork notice board, the miners use clipboards and facial hair still hasn’t evolved to the point where it looks anything other than absurd.

2. The Primitives keep their supreme ruler in a cupboard!!

3. There is the wonderful moment when Winton holds up the big furry glove and says (with deadly seriousness) “How will this look to the adjudicator?”

4. The bit where Captain Dent asks Morgan who is guarding their hostage and he consults a clipboard before answering as if IMC have a hostage guarding rota.

5. The logical void that has Jo and Winton chained to a huge bomb and still an IMC man standing near them on guard. Would you guard a bomb that your captain has made it clear he intends to detonate at a moment’s provocation?

6. Morris Perry’s performance as Captain Dent goes all the way from stoic to restrained. And check that hair!!

7. Jon Pertwee at his most pompous – if he has something to say, he stares for a few seconds, walks up to the person he’s talking to and gives a reading that tells us the scripts said “extreme gravity”.

8. The wonderful line about mineralogists “It’s a perfectly respectable profession.”

9. Peewee must give us more martial arts ‘aiiii’s in this story than the rest of his tenure combined.

10. Leeson catches the traitor Norton radioing IMC and condemns him with the bizarre line “That’s an IMC radio” to try and make himself sound as if he’s deduced something rather than merely overheard it.

11. The Doctor says “Let me give you a piece of advice – don’t trust Norton” and is met with the odd reply “And secondly?”

12. The Primitives have the least convincing heads in Doctor Who history and that covers a LOT of ground (not least Sophie Aldred)

13. The story wears its 1970s-student-lefty credentials on its sleeve – it’s wrong to oppress the Primitives but it’s fine to call them “Primitives”

14. Pertwee also creeps in a quite sickening manner in this story when he gets his own way. If that shrivelled little Primitive hadn’t been sitting down I’m sure we would’ve had buttock lovin’

15. The epic pointlessness of paying Nicholas Courtney to appear in two episodes just to bookend the story at UNIT HQ.

16. Absolute nothingness apparently looks like 1970s Top of the Pops SFX.

17. The entertainment console provides a strange choice of “entertainment” – it’s an even more than usually disturbing infomercial but without an American with glowing white teeth.

18. In true movie-serial-style they reshoot the cliff-hangers the next week to remove the danger. Actually, this story is pretty much Flash Gordon but without Larry “Buster” Crabbe.

19. If the spaceship was old and obsolete when you bought it, why did you buy it???

20. The whole of Interplanetary law can apparently be fitted in a single slim volume.

21. That leather waistcoat with the big brown shoulder buttons – everyone who wore it ended up dead and quite rightly so. Crimes against fashion must be punished.

22. Jo apparently believing that a space ship filled with colonists left Earth in 1971.

23. With very little to do on the planet and over a year of doing not very much, no one apparently thought it was worth their OAP electrical engineer teaching anyone else how to repair the generator. These colonists are brave but not very bright.

24. Once again - the Primitives keep their supreme ruler IN A CUPBOARD!!

Colony in Space desperately wants to be thought of as an Epic Story but alas it falls down under the weight of its dull pomposity. But I find it loveable in the same way that I find it’s tin-mate The Time Monster loveable – because it’s easy to make fun of but hard not to like. Its hearts are in the right place.