Ian Devine : This is all very jolly, Mr Temple, but will you concentrate your energies on divulging the real Alan?

Temple : Don’t you know, Mr Devine? Were you not the man who instructed Wicks to kill Dennis Brent?

Dennis Brent : Ian Devine!

Ian Devine : I can explain.

Temple : No, Devine, I will explain.

Dennis Brent : You can step away from me now, Ian Devine, and I’d be grateful if you’d have your trunk packed by ten thirty. I do not share my abode with people who want me dead, even if they have the sensible motive of inheriting my worldly goods.

Temple : Is it not the case, Devine, that you told Mr Wicks he had to kill Dennis Brent because you yourself were being blackmailed?

Ian Devine : I was, Mr Temple, I was being blackmailed. By Alan. I simply did what anyone in my position would’ve done and asked my joint second best friend to murder my best friend in exchange for not having to pay that month’s instalment to Alan. I bought myself some pies with the money I wisely saved. They were ever so good.

Dennis Brent : Get thee behind me, Ian Devine.

Ian Devine : What a h-o-m-o-s-e-x-u-a-l remark.

Dennis Brent : There are more important things than disliking h-o-m-o-s-e-x-u-a-l-i-t-y, Ian Devine, and my wellbeing is one of them.

Ian Devine : Are pies another of them?

Dennis Brent : No.

Ian Devine : You never did understand pies.

Dennis Brent : And now that you are vacating Brent Towers, never to return, I fear I never will.

Ian Devine : Blub.

Dennis Brent : Continue Mr Temple.

Temple : I was asked to discover the identity of Alan. A man who, in various guises, has blackmailed everyone in this room with three exceptions. Myself, my wife and Sir Graham Forbes of Scotland Yard. This village has been awash with a network of blackmail for some time now. Everyone one of you avaricious men has seen the pursuit of financial rewards as more important than friendships. Mr Wicks died because he at least found an ounce of humanity. Mr Donald Brent wasn’t even a part of your filthy circle but he still paid with his life. Dennis Brent was being blackmailed by Mr Wicks, Mr Wicks was being blackmailed by Ian Devine. Ian Devine was being blackmailed by Mr Grantham, Mr Grantham by Dr Flapjack, Dr Flapjack by Mr Jones, Mr Jones by Mr Wollaston Brent and, perhaps saddest of all, Wollaston Brent by his own son Dennis Brent.

Ian Devine : Gasp.

Dennis Brent : Ah…

Temple : Each of you claimed to be Alan in order to throw suspicion on the person blackmailing you. As "Alan" became more and more infamous, so more people joined the web of mayhem and intrigue.

Dennis Brent : But there must’ve been an original Alan – the man who started this whole web of mayhem and intrigue.

Temple : Indeed there was, Mr Brent, indeed there was. He was responsible for ordering your death, he was responsible for the death of Mr Wicks and it would take a man of exceptional stupidity to blackmail Bendaton’s more vicious and evil blackmailer.

Ian Devine : But that can only mean…

Temple : That’s right – Alan – the real Alan – is Wollaston Brent.

Dennis Brent : Father?

Wollaston Brent : Damn you, Temple.

Temple : You ordered your son to be murdered and then had the man who refused to kill him murdered. Several weeks ago you were amazed to receive a blackmail note signed Alan because you yourself were Alan. You did some investigating – or rather used Mr Jones to do some investigating – and discovered that the blackmailer pretending to be Alan was your son. A little more investigation revealed the complex network of fake Alans in use throughout Bendaton. You were enraged at first but then realised that you could use this to your advantage. Once you’d identified who was who you pretended – not without a certain irony - to be Alan and demanded that Ian Devine order Wicks kill your son.

Steve : But Paul, why then did Mr Devine call for your help?

Temple : Partly to get an alibi for when he knew the murder would be taking place – what could be safer than having dinner with me? – and partly because he wanted to make sure no one would suspect him. After all, he didn’t want Dennis Brent to die but if he couldn’t stop it he would make sure he wasn’t involved.

Ian Devine : It’s true – it’s all true. Alan told me what he wanted me to do and I passed the message on. I could’ve tried to save Dennis Brent’s life but I was scared. Plus I noted that Dennis Brent had disappeared ahead of schedule and so rationalised that there could’ve been a change of plan. I intended to find Mr Temple earlier but I became…

Temple : Wedged? Yes, we know.

Steve : But Paul – who was it who telephoned Mr Devine at the restaurant?

Temple : That was Donald Brent. He was looking for clues as to his brother’s disappearance at Brent Towers and wanted to make sure he wasn’t going to be disturbed. He rang Ian Devine to ensure that Devine was well and truly out of the way.

Steve : And the diary?

Temple : That was taken some time ago by Mr Wicks. It was the source of his incriminating evidence against Mr Brent.

Sir Graham : So I can arrest Mr Brent Senior then? You haven’t got any more revelations to come? There isn’t anyone behind Mr Brent Senior is there?

Temple : Only Dr Flapjack.

Dennis Brent : Doctor Flapjack? My a-n-u-s has been in the hands of a mastermind?

Temple : Now, Flapjack, do it now!

Wollaston Brent : Argh…

Flapjack : 25cc’s ought to do it. He’ll be asleep for hours.

Temple : I took the liberty of asking Dr Flapjack to bring some anaesthetic along just in case Alan became hostile. I also slipped something into Mr Jones’ glass of sherry so he’ll be unconscious any second now…

Dennis Brent : I… (thud)

Temple : Well I’ll be – the mean old so and so must’ve seen a slightly greater amount in Mr Jones’ glass and swapped them!

Steve : Oh Paul!

(time passes)

Dennis Brent : Well, I’m grateful to you and your sensible wife for sorting out the affair named in my honour.

Temple : It was my pleasure, Brent.

Steve : There are still a few things I don’t understand.

Temple : Oh dear! Here we go again!

Steve : Oh Paul!

Dennis Brent : It is well past our bed time isn’t it Ian Devine?

Ian Devine : You mean I can stay?

Dennis Brent : I don’t see why not – you didn’t do anything I wouldn’t have done in the same situation.

Ian Devine : You mean you would’ve asked someone to kill me?

Dennis Brent : Of course.

Ian Devine : Oh Dennis Brent! We have so much in common.

Dennis Brent : We are sensible men, Ian Devine, and now that there is a vacancy in Brent’s Seven I’d like to ask you to join us Mr Temple.

Temple : By Timothy! With a contract for three novels and two collections of short stories due next month? I only wish I could!

(jolly laughter)

Dennis Brent : Richly comic, Mr Temple, richly comic.

Steve : Oh Paul!

The End