Temple : Well, Sir Graham? Don’t keep us in suspense – my wife is a woman and therefore constitutionally weak.

Sir Graham : The Constable swears that the man who stumbled into the police station was Dennis Brent.

Temple : What? But that’s impossible.

Sir Graham : Apparently he’s got all the correct paperwork. He is either Dennis Brent or a very good Dennis Brent impersonator.

Temple : Sir Graham – get Devine and meet me at the police station. He identified Brent’s body so he can identify this new comer.

(time passes)

Ian Devine : Really Mr Temple – it was distressing enough looking at my acquaintance’s body without now having to cast my cultured eye over an impostor.

Temple : You are sure that the body you saw was that of Dennis Brent?

Ian Devine : Oh yes – I’m absolutely positive.

Temple : But the face was so badly beaten. It was little more than a moustache and a lot of ugly swellings.

Ian Devine : Yes – that’s Dennis Brent.

Sir Graham : The man claiming to be Brent is through this door.

Ian Devine : I bet this man has a fiendish scheme. I bet he’s Alan trying to steal the money that is mine. I won’t let him have it – that money is mine and no one will get their… DENNIS BRENT!

Dennis Brent : Ian Devine!

Temple : Are you saying this man IS Dennis Brent?

Dennis Brent : Of course I’m Dennis Brent. Tell him, Ian Devine.

Ian Devine : Dennis Brent is right, Mr Temple, this man is Dennis Brent.

Dennis Brent : I came here to register a complaint about an appalling incident that befell my person and left right and centre people are doubting my identity. Did you say Temple?

Ian Devine : I did, Dennis Brent, I said Temple.

Dennis Brent : Paul Temple? The sensible radio detective?

Ian Devine : The very same.

Dennis Brent : Did you hire him to find me after I was kidnapped?

Ian Devine : I did, Dennis Brent, I hired him after you were kidnapped.

Dennis Brent : What a sensible thing to do. I couldn’t have done any better myself.

Sir Graham : Would you mind telling us what happened to you, Mr Brent?

Dennis Brent : I received a telephonic message from, um, a distant acquaintance and he suggested I meet him at a prearranged location for an informal discussion about a sundry topic that would be of no interest to you. I was then violently accosted about the head and I woke up in the cellar of what I can only describe as a building of some kind.

Sir Graham : Do you know the man who telephoned you?

Dennis Brent : Yes and no.

Sir Graham : Meaning?

Dennis Brent : Meaning that the nature of our confidential transaction necessitated discretion on both our parts. My discretion was assured by agreeing to the terms we discussed and his was ensured by the bag he wore over his head. He also used a handkerchief while on the telephone.

Ian Devine : He had a cold? Then we must arrest everyone with a cold. Pronto.

Dennis Brent : Ian Devine – he used the handkerchief to affect a change in his voice.

Ian Devine : I knew that. I was, er, being richly comic.

Dennis Brent : I would disbelieve you but I don’t have time for a grapple at the moment. I am cheesed off about being kidnapped and black… and coerced into business negotiations not of my choosing.

Temple : Were you about to say you were being blackmailed?

Dennis Brent : That is one way of describing the situation. It is however a prejudicial term which implies a lack of historic sensibleness on my part which is at odds with how I conduct my affairs.

Ian Devine : You had an affair? Who was it? I’ll break their nose.

Dennis Brent : Quiet, Ian Devine, you are embarrassing yourself and I am blushing on your behalf.

Temple : Did you learn anything about the identity of your kidnapper?

Dennis Brent : Only that he calls himself Alan and that he lives in the area.

Ian Devine : You wheedled that out of him? How clever, Dennis Brent.

Dennis Brent : I thought so – I asked him what he would be having for dinner and he observed that it would be in the oven as we spoke because he only lived a few minutes away.

Ian Devine : Are you sure It wasn’t just the blackmail man?

Dennis Brent : Absolutely not. The blackmail man is honourable. This swine coshed me, trussed me up and left me in a dank cellar without my a-n-u-s medication.

Ian Devine : Your bowel chart!

Dennis Brent : I know – the loss of data could invalidate Doctor Flapjack’s experiment and then what would he have to show the seminar in Abu Dhabi?

Temple : Mr Brent, I don’t think you fully realise what has been going on in your absence.

Dennis Brent : Don’t tell me they’ve cast a h-o-m-o-s-e-x-u-a-l as the new Doctor Who…?

Temple : A body was found – we believed it was you. Since it patently wasn’t you, it was someone we were meant to think was you.

Dennis Brent : A murder? In Bendaton?

Temple : Can you think of anyone who has a moustache similar to your own?

Dennis Brent : There are only two people in Bendaton whose facial hair is as sensible as my own. Mizz Clitlique from the Job Centre and my…

Constable : Excuse me, sir.

Sir Graham : What is it, Constable Cliffhanger?

Constable : I’ve had an urgent message from a Mr Liam McLean.

Dennis Brent : He is currently lodging with my brother Donald Brent.

Constable : He says that Mr Donald Brent hasn’t been seen for several days.