"Smasher" Levine is banging on about "missing" episodes
again. I’ve never been close to "Smasher" as you know but I am
increasingly annoyed by his pathetic witterings. I even heard (and I’ve
not checked my real-time archive so I cannot be completely sure) he or one
of his minions went on television and offered a full sized Dalek prop to
anyone handing over a "lost" episode. Really – that man. It is bad enough
that his boasting about being the official unofficial historian during the
1980s overshadowed my own role as unofficial unofficial historian without
him now trying to position himself as a man of the people and their
champion to boot. An acquaintance even told me that there are parts of the
"internet" where "Smasher" Levine is lauded. I am not getting any younger
and the time has come for me also to be lauded. Were I to start my own
internet "forum" I fear the gates would not be battered down by hoards of
proles eager to lay plaudits at my feet. Yes, they are ungrateful wretches
(the proles not my feet) but I feel the time has come to do something
worthwhile for the "Doctor Who" community.
Ian Devine came over and I explained my problem to him.
He suggested I hand over one of my "missing" episodes. We both laughed so
hard that sherry came out of my nose and Ian Devine accidentally swallowed
his glass. But in all seriousness there must be something I can do to
become incredibly popular.
I have canvassed some popular opinion and it seems I
can become a popular figure if I do just one of the following:
That list is a classic example of an awful lot of
options in fact, on close inspection, being no options at all. Every
single one of them is utterly impossible and I’m beginning to lose hope
that I will ever be lauded. I faxed the list (reversing the charges) to "Smasher"
Levine just in case he is rumbled and the proles turn on him. With his
disgusting good luck he’ll probably find a good looking young singer who
is willing to swap a cure for cancer for just one chart topping record and
the brat will throw in a spot of facial arson at my expense for nothing.
Life is so unfair.
I am still at a loss as to how I can make myself
beloved. I did consider donating something to a charitable auction but
there is wealth amongst the proles these days and I would hate to see a
cherished object end up in the hands of the not-we.
Exciting news – Ian Devine says he might be able to get
us on television to make a plea for so called "missing" episodes to be
returned. He says it is a prestigious show and will be considerably more
impressive than being featured on "Blue Peter" waffling on about Pamela
Nash and offering to give away a Dalek.
Visited the barber and had my moustache trimmed in
preparation for tomorrow. I must be developing an "show business ego" as I
was talked into spending an extra five pounds to have some of the grey
hairs darkened. I hope this isn’t the slippery slope to shallowness.
I think it all went very well considering. Ian Devine
said he had to "pull a few strings" to get us on the show and exaggerate
our accomplishments to impress the proles but I would’ve done the same
thing in his shoes. Although I wouldn’t ever wear Ian Devine’s shoes
because we aren’t that close.
TRANSCRIPT OF "IT’S THE
AFTERNOON WITH TIM FLIMSY AND CATYR REILLY"
TF: …and more besides. Coming up in half an
hour we’ve got a full round up of the following interview but first…
CR: If you’ve spent the last two years hiding
behind a sofa you’ll feel very much for our next guests who have spent
the last forty one years hiding behind sofas. In another "It’s The
Afternoon" exclusive we can reveal that Doctor Who actually started way
back in 1965.
DB: Sixty Three.
CR: Of course, Christopher Eccleston didn’t
spent forty years playing Doctor Who…
TF: A HA HA HA HA – that would make him nearly
as old as I feel in the morning!
CR: HA HA HA – indeed, Tim. No – there were
actually six other actors playing Doctor Who – not at the same time,
mind! –
TF: AH HA HA
CR: - and it is their adventures that our next
guests are so keen on. They are here today to discuss the over one
hundred separate episodes that are as dead as their leading actors.
Firstly we have emeritus professor of media history at Lambert College,
Oxford, Professor I.F.F. Devine KBE, and alongside him is film collector
Dennis Brent. Good afternoon.
DB: Yes.
ID: Good day to you both.
TF: So – gentlemen – how do almost one hundred
and ten episodes of Doctor Who get lost in the first place? I’m sure
everyone watching "It’s The Afternoon" has lost a CD or a video at some
point in their lives but to lost a hundred and eight tapes seems
extremely careless.
DB: Well…
TF: I hadn’t finished. Extremely careless
indeed.
DB: Well, when people say "lost" or "missing"
they are in fact using what we telehistorians refer to as a euphemism.
TF: So these episodes aren’t in fact lost?
Excellent – another success for "It’s The Afternoon".
CR: Yes indeed! Thank you for coming in and
sorting this out for us. Coming up next – do your doilies start to fluff
up at the edges? We’ve a special report.
DB: No no no.
CR: Well some of our viewers’ doilies do start
to fluff…
DB: Forget doilies, woman, doilies are not the
pertinent issue here. When I said these episodes are not "lost" I meant
that "lost" is not the apposite epithet. They were burned, woman, like
witches or books or Dresden.
CR: I see. I think. What do you mean?
DB: The BBC were faced with a lack of storage
space and, rather than do what I have done on seven occasions over the
past twenty two years, they chose to set fire to that which they had not
the capacity to house. Not for them the expediency of building a new
wing. My own archive collection remains pristine thanks to my multiple
extensions. The only downside is that my house now apparently looks like
a swastika from the air but that is a small price to pay for my
unrivalled collection.
CR: Would you say your collection was
unrivalled?
DB: I think so.
ID: Cough.
DB: You have something to say?
ID: Far be it from me to disagree with my
esteemed colleague but I think you’ll find that most rational men
consider my collection to be the superior. That is all.
DB: Your collection? YOUR COLLECTION? A more
half baked assortment of telehistorical trinkets I have never set mine
eyes upon.
ID: Trinkets? TRINKETS? Your UNREASONABLENESS
is sorely trying. My collection is a cornucopia of the exotic and the
sought after. A utopia of the unique, a paradise of the previously
thought perished. Not for me a half baked pile of commonplace tins of
half mouldy film stock that wasn’t considered worth burning in the first
place.
TF: Right… so… doilies – yes or no? Text Yes
or No to 9435 and we’ll…
DB: Your so called collection wouldn’t occupy
a single shelf in my apodyterium, let alone valuable space in my
archive. Your amateur assortment is the laughing stock of the
telehistorical community. People at meetings pass round plains pieces of
foolscap and say "Look – it’s an inventory of Ian Devine’s collection"
and everyone roars.
CR: We’ve already had an email from Mrs Plumb
who says "Doilies don’t kill people, people kill people." Interesting
point, Mrs Plumb.
ID: The foolscap jape is an old one, Dennis
Brent, and I have often seen it performed at your expense too. I believe
it is one of Bignell’s and everyone has fallen fowl of it at one time or
another. It proves absolutely nothing. You have been taken in by a
common practical pleasantry – it is the m-a-s-t-u-r-b-a-t-i-n-g halfwit
memo all over again.
DB: We swore an oath that the
m-a-s-t-u-r-b-a-t-i-n-g halfwit memo would never again be mentioned. You
have violated that oath and I have no alternative but to bring up the
time you paid half a million dollars for what you believed to be a
genuine Tribble and it turned out to be nothing more than one of
S-h-a-t-ner’s old hair pieces. You humiliated the whole of the "Doctor
Who" telehistorical community with that faux pas, Ian Devine.
ID: How dare you breach my confidence in so
public an arena. And to think I’ve spent fifteen years covering up for
the time you drunkenly offered a VHS cassette to Smasher Levine with a
note saying it contained the final part of Story DD.
TF: Jeff has texted us to say "Doilies saved
my mum’s life – why won’t the government step in and save the doilies".
Heart-warming stuff there.
(Crash of broken furniture as guests brawl on the
floor)
CR: Gentlemen, how likely do you think it is
that any tapes of lost episodes will be returned?
ID: Ask Dennis Brent – he’s nearly finished
his project to produce high definition digital copies of them so I’m
sure he’ll have a pile of tapes he no longer needs.
DB: Gasp. Why not ask Ian Devine – he’s got no
further need of his copies either now his disgraceful project to produce
computer enhanced "Special Editions" is nearing completion.
ID: Ak. That was meant to be a surprise for
the anniversary dinner.
DB: My high definition transfers were also
supposed to be confidential until the Pandora Society cinema evening
next July.
ID: I see we have both erred.
DB: I blame the studio lights.
ID: I blame these wicked interviewers and the
way they ask leading questions designed to trip their guests up and
trick them into confessions that had not intended to make.
TF: Another text has come in from Clive in
Shagford, he writes "Doilies are yesterday’s news – what about the death
of the high quality photographic table mat." Interesting thoughts as
ever from Clive in Shagford.
CR: Finally, gentlemen, I see from my notes
that you have a very special offer for anyone watching who thinks they
might have a lost episode or might know where a missing episode might
be?
DB: What? Oh yes. Ian Devine and I will,
graciously and from our own pockets, give anyone whose information leads
to a missing episode being returned to the BBC archives a postal order
for twenty five pounds.
CR: Is that per episode or per person?
DB: Whichever is the lesser.
CR: Well, if that doesn’t get you up in your
attics looking for dusty old film cans I don’t know what will.
TF: Professor I.F.F Devine and Dennis Brent
thank you very much for coming.
DB: I own thirty six doilies and they are all
pristine.
IF: Bah! A mere thirty six – I have over forty
and they are immaculate.
DB: I have an additional twelve in cold
storage in case they are required in the future.
IF: I have ten in a secure deposited box in
case of emergency.
DB: Twelve more reside underground in a
nuclear bunker and thus will survive long after you or I or any of the
world’s doilies.
TRANSCRIPT ENDS
