The Secret Diary of Dennis Brent - Volume II

14th April

The raid on the bank went surprisingly well considering it was carried out by animals, amphibians and telehistorians. The moles had done their job well and the tunnel was well up to Eurotunnel standard <g>. I used my trowel to knock through the last layer of bricks and we were in Mr Penistone’s vault. I hadn’t seen so much cash since that time Ian Devine got his wallet out in the Elk and Bush <vbg>. The three masked mooses immediately started spraying the piles of notes and, for the first time, I sensed a recognition.

“Excuse me, Miss Masked Moose” I began.

“Yes?” replied the Masked Moose.

“Are you, by any chance, Miss Elkie Elkerson?”

“No” she replied. “Yes” she added. “No” she finally decided.

“Oh” I said, disappointed. The Masked Moose had been urinating throughout our conversation and the notes were becoming more and more soggy. I pitied anyone who would handle any of them – ASSCLOWN had clearly thought their plan through.

“Will you write on the wall Dennis?” asked the Masked Moose.

“What would you like me to write?” I asked, still suspecting it was she-that-I-won’t-name.

“Put ‘Up The ASSCLOWN’ on that wall and ‘ASSCLOWN Disagree With Banks’ on the other.” Not the most inspired remarks I’d ever heard but her mind was on other matters. She must’ve been holding it in for a week. Either that or she drank an awful lot. I briefly considered taking a couple of wedges of cash for my own purposes (purely philanthropic, obviously) but the masked mooses seem to read my mind and their urinary spray seemed to follow me. A fair amount actually ended up on my clothes but I assume that was an accident. Each time. Grantham thought it was funny to write ‘Dennis Brent Woz ‘Ere’ on the wall of the vault. I failed to see the joke but he positively roared with amusement. I responded by writing ‘No he wasn’t’ underneath and, to make sure they were in no doubt as to it’s reliability, I signed it. There isn’t a man in Bendaton who wouldn’t take the word of Dennis Brent.

I am writing this in the Elk and Bush as we ASSCLOWNs are enjoying a post event drink. I’m sure there will be hell to pay over this but it feels good to be a hero.


15th April

The incident at the bank was the lead story in all the local papers – The Bendaton Telephone called it ‘Shocking’, the Bendaton Bugle said they were ‘shocked’ and the Bendaton Exchange Telegraph said they were in ‘Shock’. I felt smug and proud as I heard the proles talking about it in the shops. I longed to scream about my involvement in the incident but the Masked Moose had said she would break the legs of anyone who mentioned it to another living soul. I am in a quandary as my friend Ian Devine passed out with nervous tension two minutes before we all went into the tunnel and remained unconscious until we were all in the Elk and Bush (how we got him to the public house I do not know). Should I tell him what happened? Or would I have more to gain by keeping my secret and making him beg?


16th April

Grantham and Wicks came round – we played Doctor Who Backgammon until midnight and drank some of the Australian champagne Grantham brought back from his holiday. It went straight to my head and I ended the evening performing the full book of the Doctor Who musical I wrote back at the Technical College.

17th April

I’ve heard on the grapevine (aka Marlene Bottle from Bargainsave’s sister Lotty) that a video tape from the bank’s vault is now in the hands of Bendaton Police and they will be arresting everyone on the tape. I am extremely worried and have decided to run away and hide.

18th April

Grantham, Wicks, Ian Devine and I have decided we will fool the authorities by staging an arrival in town, each of us disguised as a family member. We will then wander about saying how disappointed we are that our respective family members have left town. That should fool Constable Balloon.

19th April

I am not Dennis Brent – I am Doris Brent, my aunt from Cornwall. It is my first true acting role since I was dismissed from the Bendaton Strollers for taking more interest in cataloguing the fascinating technical details of the play than I did in learning my “lines”. I am currently wearing a floral frock I found in the back of the wardrobe. I have had to say goodbye (more of an au revoir) to my moustache. Ian Devine is pretending to be his twin brother Jean Pierre (complete with striped jumper and French accent), Grantham is playing the role of his own mother and Wicks is pretending to be former television wrestling personality Gigantic Haystacks. We’ve fooled the villagers so far. The grapevine reports that the bank vault video tape has now been watched and Constables Balloon and Lentil are analysing it to identify those present. I’ve been forced into going to a meeting of the Bendaton Knitting Circle tonight.

20th April

The word on the street is that Constables Balloon and Lentil hit the front pages of the national press this morning when they carried out a series of dawn raids and arrested Tony Brittan, Richard O’Sullivan, Tessa Wyatt and David Kelly for breaking into the bank. I have checked my archives and it appears that at the exact time we were in the vault, UK Gold were showing an episode of Robin’s Nest. I can only assume the bank’s security system was installed by a fool.

21st April

Bendaton is abuzz with the news that Mr Penistone, to save money for The Bank, installed the security system himself. His wiring became a little confused and next door’s satellite dish became accidentally involved. The Bank have offered the cast of Robin’s Nest a Ray Cusick style ex gratia payment for any inconvenience caused. The bank have announced that they are putting the raid down to “experience” as they don’t have much faith left in the police. Mr Penistone has been put on gardening leave until further notice. The only downside is that the press singularly failed to report the involvement of ASSCLOWN at any stage. I think, just for security reasons you understand, I will stay dressed as Doris Brent for a few more days.

24th April

Ian Devine gave me some shocking news tonight. Really most disturbing. I couldn’t believe my ears, even after I’d removed my Doris Brent earrings.

“I’m engaged to be married, Dennis Brent” repeated Ian Devine. I swooned back into a convenient arm chair.

“Married, Ian Devine?” I asked.

“Married, Dennis Brent.”

“To whom, Ian Devine?” I demanded.

“To Chrysanthemum Piesburg” he beamed, clearly he thought the name would ring bells with Dennis.

“Who?” I asked.

“Chrysanthemum Piesburg. She and I are in love.”

“How on earth did you meet her? You haven’t left my side for weeks”

“We have been corresponding over the Internet and, last night, we met at the Elk and Bush.”

“But we had Grantham and Wicks round last night – we played Doctor Who Tiddlywinks until ten thirty” I protested.

“Ah, Dennis Brent, you fell for the old Inflatable Ian Devine gag – they always do.”

“That explains why you didn’t roar with laughter at Grantham’s comical tale of finding a spelling mistake in the camera script for part three of Enemy of the World.”

Ian Devine began to chuckle. “A spelling mistake? Ho ho ho”. The room vibrated with the movement of Ian Levnie enjoying my second hand anecdote and, for a time, we forgot all about Chrysanthemum Piesburg.

“Chrysanthemum Piesburg and I are to be married on the 1st of May” he continued, wiping the tears from his eyes, “and I would like to…”

“I’d be delighted” I butted in. Fancy that – Dennis being Ian Devine’s best man.

“…ask Grantham to be my best man” he added.

“Grantham?” I said, more in shock than inquiry.

“Grantham – he is a thoroughly reliable fellow.”

“Dennis is reliable” I snapped. “Dennis will lend an air of sensibleness to proceedings. You simply can’t let a man like Grantham loose on the arrangements for your wedding, Ian Devine. He is flippant. He is suggestive. I strongly suspects he drinks too much (after all – who brings alcoholic beverages as gifts when they’ve been abroad?) What does Grantham have that I don’t have?”

“At the moment, Dennis Brent, Grantham is wearing trousers.”

“Ah” was all I could say. I had become so used to being Doris Brent that it simply hadn’t occurred to me that I was behaving in an odd manner. “If I resume my career as Dennis Brent, can I be best man then?”

“Hmm” he considered. “So – you want the job, Grantham will want the job and (just to avoid being left out) Wicks will want the job. I have a feeling I can get some high quality amusement out of this predicament.”

“In what way, Ian Devine?” I asked.

“Get down on the floor and give me ten press ups” he barked. I saw his meaning immediately (after he had explained it in some detail) and wheezed my way through three and a half press ups. He let me give up once I had been violently sick.

26th April

My life has been made a living hell by Ian Devine constantly testing my desire to be his best man. Last night he made Grantham, Wicks and I stand in bowls of custard and recite the cast of The Mind Robber in date-of-birth order. I nearly lost a mark when I got Bernard Horsefall’s wrong by half an hour but he let it go since I was already three quarters of a mark behind the other two. Then he suggested we retire to the Elk and Bush for a quick small glass of sherry. Ian Devine sat like the spider at the centre of a web as Wicks, Grantham and I took our turns to ply him with beverages. He beamed a portly smile at his and said he was lucky to have such good friends as us.

27th April

Grantham, Wicks, Ian Devine and I were in the Elk and Bush when who should appear but Chrysanthemum Piesburg herself. She is, not to put too finer point on it, perhaps unsuitable for Ian Devine. She is younger than him, she kept slipping her hands in his pockets and stealing things as he made us roar with his anecdotes about working with Eric Saward, she drank like a camel and, having seen her visiting the lavatory, she is a man.

28th April

I am torn – should I tell my friend Ian Devine that he is about to marry a man (one of those h-o-m-o-s-e-x-u-a-l t-r-a-n-s-v-e-s-t-i-t-e-s) or is there more amusement to be had by letting him humiliate himself publicly? I think you’ll agree that it’s a tough choice. On the one hand he is my friend but on the other hand he has squeezed four pounds worth of drinks from me over the past few days and he made me stand in custard.

30th April

I made Wicks and Grantham roar when I told them about Chrysanthemum Piesburg being a man. They think I shouldn’t tell Ian Devine and, further more, shouldn’t worry about the ceremony. They think we should concentrate our efforts on finding out where the Honeymoon is taking place and installing surveillance equipment to capture the comedic moment for all time. If all goes according to plan, I will dine out on this story for years. Or at least I would if I ever dined with anyone other than Ian Devine, Grantham or Wicks.