 The Secret
Diary of Dennis Brent - Volume II
1st March
My friend Ian Devine and I had a dinner party tonight. We invited all our
friends and some of them actually replied <g>. There was myself, my
brother Donald, my friend Ian Devine and my friend Wicks. Wicks and Ian
Devine had a pie eating contest and we all roared with laughter as they
piled the pastries into their huge mouths, often not even bothering to
taste them. It’s a good job Ian Devine has shares in Mr Wetfinger’s pie
shop or we’d be eating ourselves out of house and home <vbg>. Sadly it all
went wrong when they reached the last pie. They were level pegging on
twenty one pies each and, tragically, the battle for the final pie became
physical. Ian Devine hit Wicks over the head with my Dapol model of Davros
(made extra collectable as he is juggling in the scene). With Wicks
rendered unconscious, Ian Devine scooped the victory by sucking the final
pie from its plate and swallowing it whole. My friend Ian Devine did a
little dance of joy and taunted the unconscious Wicks with shouts of “Pie
loser” and “Sparrow stomach”. Donald watched this whole sorry business and
observed dryly that the Okudas never behaved in such a manner. The
doorbell rang shortly after the pie-fiasco (my sides were still aching
with laughter – it may have been a shameful business but it was terribly
funny) and who should be at the door? Only my friend Grantham <g>. I had
no idea he was in the area but it turns out he has rented a cottage in
Shagford for the winter. My friend Ian Devine has remained in touch with
him but, sadly, Grantham and I had a falling out over a fascinating
technical matter back in 1987 and hadn’t spoken since. I’m pleased to say
that we buried the hatchet immediately and I made him roar with my
animated description of the recent pie eating challenge. I got a bit
carried away, however, and rendered Grantham unconscious at the climax of
the tale. Donald observed that living with Ian Devine had changed me but I
don’t think that’s true, is it? I’m still the same Dennis I always was.
Ian Devine and I ended the day, already aching with laughter, by watching
television’s Graeme Norton. Ian Devine is a fan of his and I must say I
enjoyed it. He is in the best traditions of British entertainment.
Note to self – go “online” tomorrow and look up the seventy-nine
expressions that Mr Norton used which I didn’t understand.
4th March
Today I donned a cunning disguise and ventured into Bargainsave for the
first time since I left there by mutual consent after they dismissed me
and threatened to call the police. I put on dark glasses, a false
moustache and a raincoat and went in search of snacks for this evening
(Ian Devine and I have issued an open invitation to Wicks and Grantham to
pop in any time they are in Bendaton and they indicated they would most
likely visit us tonight). Bargainsave really is the most wonderful store –
I was able to get cheesy nibbles for six people for less than a pound.
Baring Ian Devine and Wicks in mind however, I spent fifteen pounds just
to be on the safe side. If they had another eating contest, I’m not sure
who would burst first – Ian Devine, Wicks or me from laughing so hard <g>
7th March
Ian Devine made a remark over dinner to the extent that he thought my
paintwork was rotten. I immediately called Mr Knockers (who has been the
finest decorator in Bendaton since my father was a boy) and he came round
to offer an opinion. Now that I am once more wealthy (Ian Devine and I
have started splitting the cost of buying fascinating articles and I’m
sure it won’t cause any problems in the future), I can afford to have the
whole house redecorated.
8th March
Mr Knockers came back with an estimate to have the house painted. I almost
fainted. Does he think I’m made of money? I made the mistake of opening
his envelope over breakfast and I almost choked on my Bran Flecks. I’ve
decided that I can easily decorate myself – if a prole like Mr Knockers
can do it, why not Dennis Brent? I asked Ian Devine if he would mind
lending a hand and he said he would as long as he didn’t have to climb any
ladders. I assured him this wouldn’t be necessary. He told me a long and
ultimately hilarious story about a ladder buckling under his weight and
causing him to spend six months in hospital with a broken back. I laughed
until bran came out of my nose.
9th March
I telephoned Wicks and Grantham and they have agreed to help Ian Devine
and myself decorate Brent Towers. I am paying Wicks and Ian Devine with
pies while Grantham has agreed to accept my second spare copy of the 1964
Dalek annual as payment. I suggested there was no time like the present
and we all got down to the job in hand. Wicks and Ian Devine were to do
the ground level work (I suspected Wicks would have similar ladder-phobia
to Ian Devine). Grantham and Dennis scaled our ladders and got to work on
the higher points. Unfortunately we got through the five pounds worth of
paint that I’d bought from Mr Knockers’ shop in under an hour and we were
all too messy to venture out and get some more. I suggested we bathe
(separately) and go to the h-a-r-dware shop in the afternoon. Disaster
struck when Ian Devine got stuck in the bath. Wicks, Grantham and myself
(all blindfolded as we didn’t want to see Ian Devine naked) all pulled at
Ian Devine’s arms and legs but he had been eating pies in the bath (our
feet crunched on the crumbs as we stood nearby) and he had expanded.
Grantham suggested butter but this just made Ian Devine hungry again and
he used his mobile telephone to call for six pizzas. Eventually, Grantham
had the idea that we should lock Ian Devine in the bathroom and not allow
him to eat anything until he could get out of the bath. Wicks and I agreed
this was probably the best idea yet.
12th March
Ian Devine finally came out of the bathroom. He rushed down to the kitchen
and ate the entire contents of the refrigerator. Unfortunately, Ian Devine
can no longer squeeze through the kitchen door and has become wedged in
the frame. Grantham had a good idea to free him but it turned out to be
the same good idea he’d had in the bathroom.
14th March
Ian Devine finally escaped from the door frame and is wandering cautiously
around the house looking for pies. He won’t find any as Dennis has hidden
them in the bathroom (a place he is too scared to visit).
15th March
Wicks found the pies in the bathroom and has become wedged in the toilet
bowl. Ian Devine laughed so much that the Bendaton seismology unit
recorded it as a moderate earth tremor.
17th March
We have officially abandoned the painting project and I sent Grantham and
Wicks home. We had to crack the toilet to free Wicks and I decided that
the whole project had become too expensive. Ian Devine and I spent a
pleasant evening watching the third Peter Cushing Dalek film on laser
disc. We both laughed so much at Sid James’s performance as the stupid
Dalek who can’t do sums that pop corn came out of both our noses. It was
especially amusing as it made a popping noise when it came out. Such a
shame they never released it at the cinemas.
20th March
Grantham came round and we played Doctor Who Top Trumps until ten thirty.
21st March
Grantham and Wicks came round for dinner and we played Doctor Who charades
until ten past ten. My sides ached from laughing at Grantham’s attempts to
mime Caves of Androzani and Ian Devine’s miserable attempt at conveying
Horns of Nimon.
22nd March
Grantham is going away on holiday and asked Dennis and Ian Devine to look
after Ottie (his pet otter). It made me glow with pride to think that
Grantham trusts me enough to let me care for his pet. I remember being
terribly anxious about leaving E-l-k-i-e in my brother Donald’s hands when
I went to “America” for that Doctor Who convention. Having sorted out
arrangements for Ottie, Grantham, Ian Devine and I played Doctor Who I Spy
until five to eleven.
23rd March
Wicks disgraced himself at Table tonight. Ian Devine and I invited him,
Grantham and my brother Donald for a barbeque and Wicks managed to make a
very inappropriate remark about sausages. I took him to task for the
remark (which could’ve been overheard by Miss Prickstick who lives next
door. She is a nervous sort and jokes about sausages are likely to lead to
a spasm. Grantham didn’t help matters by telling Wicks that he didn’t want
sausage jokes stuffed down his throat. I do despair at times at the depths
to which Grantham will stoop. Wicks doesn’t normally resort to vulgarity
but only last week Grantham held up two melons and implied they were a
woman’s chest. On this occasion I was unhappy with Wicks and I let him
know it.
24th March
Wicks sent a note apologising for his conduct last night. I accepted with
the grace for which I am known. Wicks, Grantham, Ian Devine and I spent
the evening playing Doctor Who Monopoly. Grantham won the game by luckily
(for him) buying Gallifrey and building a Panopticon on it.
25th March
Grantham is going to Australia for several weeks and, before he left for
the airport, he dropped Ottie off. It will be nice to have a new friend to
look after. Ottie will live in the bath and, unless Ian Devine gives her
bad advice, she won’t get herself stuck <g>
26th March
Ottie is a remarkable otter. Not only did she hold her end during
tonight’s game of Doctor Who Bridge (she was my partner for the first
rubber, Ian Devine’s for the second and Wicks’s for the third and fourth).
She was on the winning side every time and, showing remarkable good sense,
told us she would be investing her winnings in an ISA. I told her not to
trust Mr Penistone’s bank and she laughed.
31st March
Dare I say that Ottie is even more fun than Grantham? She has all his good
humour and none of his so called “wit”. That’s “southern” wit in case my
meaning wasn’t clear. Ottie reminds me of the good old days with
she-who-we-don’t-mention but within my new context of fun and
socialisation. Ever since Ian Devine came to live with me I have become Mr
Society. I have started mixing with a wide range of people and, in all
honesty, you couldn’t find a more diverse group than myself, Donald, Ian
Devine, Grantham and Wicks. Not to mention Ottie <g>
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