The Secret Diary of Dennis Brent - Volume II

3rd January

I had my first job interview of the new year. Ever since I left Bendaton FM by mutual consent after they told me to leave I have been living off my meagre savings. Only last night I had to pass up the chance to purchase the cork from the champagne bottle which Tom Baker used to celebrate getting the lead role in the television series “Doctor Who”. I exceeded my means and bid twelve thousand and two pounds but some pathetically childish h-o-m-o-s-e-x-u-a-l put in a bid of twelve thousand a three pounds and I was defeated. The interview was at Bargainsave and they wanted someone to “Manage the shop floor distribution, providing maximum sales opportunities and ensuring that the store complies with environmental legislation”. It sounded very important and worthy of someone with my attention to detail and organisational skills.

“Can you put things on shelves ?” asked the manager, Mr Crackslurp.

“Yes Mr Crackslurp” I replied – it was true, I told him the fascinating story of how I had recently rearranged all my Dapol figures into alphabetical order.

“Can you mop floors ?” he asked.

“Yes Mr Crackslurp” I told him and explained that I was regularly mopping up small pools of water from near my cryogenic unit as, sadly, it is suffering from a slight degradation in the rubber seal around the main entrance.

“Can you start on Monday morning ?”

“Yes Mr Crackslurp and may I take this opportunity of thanking…” but he had bundled me out of the tiny office before I could adequately thank him for this marvellous opportunity. I was officially a ‘Retail sales facilitation co-ordination consultant’ and I felt justly proud. I immediately logged on to Onlineauctions.com and bought the corkscrew used by Tom Baker to open the bottle of champagne used to celebrate getting the lead role in the television series “Doctor Who”. A snip at thirteen thousand and two pounds.

8th January

My first day effectively running Bargainsave. A prole with offensive hair called me a “wanker” because I gave her fascinating technical information about the history of the slave trade. She made it quite clear that she simply wished to know where the sugar was and side issues, if there were any, were entirely irrelevant. I strongly dislike people with closed minds.

11th January

There are h-o-m-o-s-e-x-u-a-l-s everywhere. I swear it. Not that Dennis ever swears as you know. We were short staffed after Marlene Bottle (till girl) was off “sick” and I had to cover for her on the cash register. It is a terribly complicated device and seems to have an adverse effect on the proles. One attempted to punch Dennis simply because the till inadvertently tried to charge him six hundred pounds for a packet of peanuts. His temper was not improved when I told him, in a witty manner, that I had once paid eight hundred pounds for a single peanut which had been autographed by Jack Watling. He called me a “sodding wanker” and threw a lollypop at me.

12th January

Marlene Bottle is still ill and Dennis is having to spend all day on the cash register. I do not like it. I suspect that the “muzak” which plays in the background at Bargainsave infuriates the proles as they are inevitably angry by the time they reach Dennis. They seem to be too ignorant to appreciate Dennis’s witty remarks as I scan their shopping through the “computer”. Here are a selection of my comic gems – I feel sure that any normal person would’ve laughed heartily.

A vegetarian meal – “I see you’re a h-o-m-o-s-e-x-u-a-l”

Bargainsave’s own brand cornflakes – “If you weren’t work shy scum you could afford proper ones”

Nappies (but no wedding ring) – “Have you always had appallingly loose morals ?”

Scented candles – “Your sort should still be burned at the stake”

A meal for one – “I expect you’ll spend the rest of the evening masturbating”

I am beginning to think that working at Bargainsave may not quite be my niche in life. Time will tell – it always does <g>

15th January

Marlene returned today so I was back on the shelves and I felt much better for it. I work in a “team” with a youngster called Toby and he is surprisingly intelligent for a childish prole. He asked me how a man of my wisdom and experience (or “oldness” as he put it) ended up working in Bargainsave and I told him the truth. Or at least a version of the truth – that I am a successful writer who is working undercover to gain experience for my next book. I felt it unnecessary to explain any further. It is rather refreshing that, even after I showed him a copy of my book “Doctor Who – The Memos”, he still didn’t know who I was. The weight was lifted from my shoulders and I no longer had to be the public face of Dennis Brent. Toby and I have worked out a rather effective method of working – he does the lifting and carrying while I supervise and tell him amusing and interesting things. The combination of my wit and intelligence and his muscular young body is quite entertaining. The sight of him bending and lifting, often working so hard that he has to remove his jumper and work in just his tight white T-shirt reminds me that the youth of Britain is not entirely degenerate. I invited Toby to join myself and my friend Ian Devine for a drink at the Elk and Bush.

18th January

I have been invited to pose for next year’s Doctor Who Experts calendar. This is, apparently, a great honour and the current year’s version features such notables as Terrance Dicks and Peter Haining in exotic locations (and rather revealing underwear). Dicken Myass – who is coordinating the project – has asked if myself and my friend Ian Devine would be interested in being Messrs July and August respectively. Those months being beachwear months, we have been asked to present ourselves at Rimmer’s Photographic Studios in “Speedos” and gaily coloured towels. I telephoned my friend Ian Devine and we decided that if it’s good enough for Terrance Dicks, it’s good enough for us.

19th January

B*stards b*stards b*stards. “Dicken Myass” turns out to be a put up job. I’ll get them one day – whoever they are. These h-o-m-o-s-e-x-u-a-l-s are a pain in the backside.

23rd January

My friend Ian Devine, my best friend Midders in the Morning and my new friend Toby Melons met for a small glass of sherry (each) in the Elk and Bush. Ian Devine kept winking at me and tossing his eyes over at Toby. I had suggested that Toby wear his Bargainsave T-shirt as it suited him. It was, apparently, very tight and showed off his “pecs”. This last fact came from the girl behind the bar. She too winked at me and cast her eyes between myself and Mr Melons. I won’t pretend I understand people. It was getting close to half past nine when we left the Elk and Bush and, as Toby had been on the hard stuff all night (he said he usually drank diet) I suggested he spend the night at my house. My friend Ian Devine winked at me again while Midders in the Morning started saying “I’m free… I’m free” in the manner of television personality John Inman. I failed to see what my inviting Toby to spend the night with me had to do with selling gentlemen’s clothing. I suspect they were attempting to use innuendo based humour though I can’t imagine what would make them resort to this.

28th January

I was taken into Mr Crackslurp’s office and given an ultimatum.

“Dennis” he began.

“Yes Mr Crackslurp ?” I replied.

“Dennis, a serious matter has come up.”

“Is it the decision to rotate stock on Wednesday afternoon rather than Thursday afternoon ?” I asked.

“No Dennis…”

“Is it the cash register displaying 67 pence for a tin of premium baked beans when the price should be 68 pence ?”

“No Dennis – it’s sexual harassment.”

“You don’t need to worry Mr Crackslurp – Dennis hasn’t suffered from any sexual harassment.”

“No no Dennis – what I mean is that you have been accused of sexual harassment.”

“I… I… I…” I stammered.

“That’s three I’s in one breath” I imagined Mr Crackslurp saying. But sadly the man had not the wit to quote Colin Baker and he merely pressed on. “Young Toby Melons alleges that you have repeatedly attempted to force yourself upon him. We are a family firm – Mr Bargainsave Senior passed the chain down to his son Mr Bargainsave Junior who passed it down to our current chairman Mr Bargainsave III. We cannot afford to be tarnished with scandal. I have spoken with young Toby Melons and he has agreed not to press charges if you resign immediately from Bargainsave and promise never to cross the threshold again.”

“But… but… but…” I stammered again.

“That’s three buts in one breath – makes you sound a rather perverted person if you don’t mind me saying so” said Mr Crackslurp. “That is all” and I was bundled out of the store by Marlene Bottle and her hairy friend Mavis Clamm. I’m still in a daze about the whole business.