4th October

I've never seen Elkie so happy. She's positively glowing. She wasn't even this excited when I showed her my unsigned 1993 Doctor Who calendar. Good heavens, she barely registered when I showed her my now legendary Tom Baker "masturbating halfwit" memo. She is skipping about the place and doing everything with the air of someone who is deeply happy. Bah humbug.


10th October

It was with a heavy heart that I put my best suit on (the hard wearing tweed with the leather patches on the elbows - obviously not quite as hard wearing as the shopkeeper said. If I hadn't had it since 1978, I'd take it back for a refund). I wore my 1993 Doctor Who Thirtieth Anniversary tie (the one with all seven actors on it) and set the video recorder to record everything on during the evening. I procrastinated with a mirror for a moment before finally facing up to the fact that it was time to leave - time to go on Elko's stag night. We were meeting in the Elk and Bush. It was supposed to be a small gathering - just myself, Donald and Elko but six of Elko's friends "crashed" the party and we barely saw him all evening. I heard some gossip about them going somewhere called "Elkista's Revue" bar but before Donald and I could collect our jackets, they were gone.

Luckily, who should turn up some twenty minutes later, but my friend Iain Devine. His fat, round face was positively glowing with excitement.

"Dennis" he panted.

"Iain Devine" I replied. I hadn't seen him this excited since National Pie day. Surely that wasn't a full twelve months ago?

"Dennis - I have exciting news" he gasped.

"What has happened Iain Devine?" I asked.

"My cryogenic unit has arrived... ooh - pie" and he downed a pork pie that had just been delivered to the next table. Luckily they are aware of my friend Iain Devine's tendencies in the Elk & Bush and always have a supply on standby.

"You have purchased a cryogenic unit?" I asked with disappointment. It had always been a source of immense pride that I had something my friend Iain Devine didn't have.

"It's the new Mark 4" he explained between mouthfuls.

"The mark 4?" I spluttered. My heart, already broken by Elkie's marriage, was further pummelled. My mark 3.9 could not possibly compete with a mark 4. But I still had an ace up my sleeve.

"My cryogenic unit may be older than yours but mine contains the perfectly preserved body of William Hartnell." I smiled like Iain Devine in a pie shop. He swallowed an entire toad in the hole before giving me a look of flabby faced smugness.

"My new unit contains the perfectly preserved body of Richard Hurndall."

"But Richard Hurndall was a fake" I argued.

"On the contrary - Richard Hurndall was a limited edition collector's edition."

I couldn't dispute that point - Richard Hurndall's body did indeed have immense value to collectors such as ourselves. It was, from the novelty angle alone, a match for my William Hartnell. My lower lip wobbled slightly. Luckily my friend Iain Devine made the evening far more jolly with his very amusing party trick of fitting four pork pies in his mouth at once and still being able to do the "Homo Sapiens" speech from The Ark In Space. If it wasn't for his habit of being overly competitive, I would really look forward to seeing my friend Iain Devine. I must find a way of making my cryogenic collection superior to his - only be defeating him utterly can I overcome his annoyingly competitive nature.

15th October

I had a little chat with Elkie - to let her know the facts of life. I was half way though a complicated story about the socio-political nature of a beehive when I realised I didn't actually "know" the facts of life. I told Elkie that I had developed chronic diahhorea and had to spend some time in the lavatory while I actually ventured onto the "Internet" to try and get some words of wisdom to pass on to here. You will not believe the depths of filth that I discovered. Some of the sites contained material which was of such a secret nature that I had to supply my credit card number to prove I was old enough and mature enough to view such items. Ye gods - h-e-t-e-r-o-s-e-x-u-a-l-s are just as perverted as h-o-m-o-s-e-x-u-a-l-s. At one point my glasses steamed up and I felt it was just as well they did - the images that confronted me were shocking. Maybe if I pass this information on to Elkie she won't be so keen to marry Elko - once she finds out what he's got in store for her, she will surely see sense.

18th October

I am feeling rather pleased with myself today. I received an invitation in the mail to write the foreword for one of the Telos Publishing Doctor Who Novellas. The plot has The Doctor arrive on the planet Coxa and he becomes involved with the Coxa King. He is leading his people - "The Swa'loa" against the rival tribe "The Spi'tsa". In the end, thanks to The Doctor's intervention, the Coxa King goes down without a fight. I'm not quite sure why they want me to write the introduction (unless it's simply that I am Dennis Brent, and that my name would add to the sales. Yes - that'll be it).

23rd October

I want to place it on record that at absolutely no time did I believe that the Telos foreword request was genuine. I knew it was a h-o-m-o-s-e-x-u-a-l plot to humiliate me and I only sent 800 words to the stated address because I have an excellent sense of humour and wanted to participate in the joke. I think the egg is on the other foot now and they've been left looking rather silly. Whoever they are.

31st October

Morning - I have just been to see Elkie and she looks radiant. I'm still not wholly used to the idea of her marrying Elko this afternoon but it seems to be making her very happy and that is what really matters I suppose <shrug>

Late morning - We are just about to go off to the church. Elkie is wearing a rather nice dress - she chose to ignore my suggestion of a nice, sensible tweed twin set in favour of white silk. She looks rather like a cross between an elk and an angel - an ankle perhaps <g>

Late night - I am still in shock at what happened. The open minded vicar was performing the ceremony in an adequate manner (he's obviously not such a drunkard as Tom Baker during his later seasons) when he asked the traditional question as to whether anyone had any reason that the marriage should not take place. The church was hushed (the congregation was mainly Elkie and Elko's elk friends) and the open minded vicar was about to proceed when a cough from the back of the hall got everyone's attention.

"I object" said a rather pretty elk in a reasonably sensible black dress.

"And who might you be?" asked the open minded vicar.

"My name is Elka."

"Elka? What business is this of yours Elka?"

"That elk is already married" she cried, pointing a hoof in the direction of the alter. The open minded vicar gasped, Elkie shrieked, Elko goggled and my friend Iain Devine fainted.

"Married?" asked the open minded vicar. "To whom?"

"To me" said Elka. The congregation were in uproar.

"Wah... when?" stammered Donald.

"In Amsterdam, earlier this year" announced Elka.

"Elko - how could you" scolded Donald. He struck Elko with a hymn book.

"I've never seen her before in my life" wailed Elko, rubbing his nose.

"It's true" sobbed Elkie. "You're not the only open minded vicar." The church went silent. I went silent. This was too much to take in. "I've missed you Elka - when you said it was over I was heartbroken."

"You can't mean what I think you mean..." I gasped. "That you're... you're..."

"Yes Dennis" she said.

"But I... we..."

She ignored me, turning to Elko and telling him in an elky (no pun intended <g>) way that she did love him but, perhaps, not in quite the same way. Much wailing, physical violence and communal singing followed (plus my friend Iain Devine eating pies) before we retired to the Elk and Bush for a reflective half of bitter. Elkie and Elka left about ten thirty and haven't been seen since.

I have been sharing my house with a l-e-s-b-i-a-n elk. I think I shall unlock my alcohol cabinet and have a small sherry. Or two.