The Secret Diary of Dennis Brent

1st April

I won't know how my Celestial Toyroom joke went down for a while yet - DWAS have only just sent out December's issue - but I have high hopes. I played a trick on Elkie first thing - I told her that she wasn't getting any breakfast as she'd been naughty. After three minutes laughing heartily outside her stable I went back in carrying her bowl of Bargainsave Premium Branflecks and it was her turn to chuckle at her own gullibility. I'm giving her lots of bran at the moment as I suspect she has a lot more rare merchandise in her system just waiting to come out. She also played a joke on me (at least I hope it was a joke) where she urinated in my shoes. All of my shoes. Then she head-butted me. Well, you can't expect an elk to have as refined a sense of humour as me - I am, after all, Dennis Brent.

3rd April

I am considering getting myself a woman. Someone to cook and clean for me but who won't expect payment - in other words, a wife. I'll have to be careful to find someone suitable. I can't risk marrying a h-o-m-o-s-e-x-u-a-l

6th April

I think I'll use a dating agency - they should have adequate deviant filters. I shall compile a questionnaire to ensure they share my passion for historical documents. Today I uncovered such a document - it's a page from a notebook and science has proven that the previous page of said notebook was used by Warris Hussein. It's possible, if you examine it very closely, to make out the word "plywood". I rushed out and bought a frame for it.

10th April

I've started writing a novel. It's about a hero called "David" who stands up for truth and decency in a land filled with filth and degeneracy. By day a mild mannered radio historian, by night a crusader for all that is good. I've written chapter one - it's set in the wastelands of post-nuclear Britain and features "David" killing a band of vulgar mutants (known as "Hommos") who threaten the common good. But much as I enjoy being brilliantly creative, I miss the pure excitement of long forgotten documents and painstaking research. I think tomorrow I will go to the BBC vaults and mastu... Sorry, I don't know what came over me. I will go and see if I can find out who really chose the name "Gallifrey".

13th April

I have had to give Elkie a lecture about April Fools Day. She doesn't seem to understand that it is one day a year only. She won't stop urinating in my shoes and still seems to find it funny. I have as good a sense of humour as the next man but this is NOT funny. People have started looking at me whenever I go out in my dried shoes. Having seen the first few minutes of the motion picture "Withnail and One" (purely for research into Doctor Who actor Paul McGann) I am afraid someone might call me a "perfumed p-o-n-c-e" if I try to clean them. I'd rather smell of elk's urine than h-o-m-o-s-e-x-u-a-l-i-t-y

18th April

I spent the evening with a woman from the dating agency. She was nice enough I suppose. I told her about the camera script page I'd found today which had a note (written by Patrick Troughton) reminding him to get a loaf of bread and a pint of milk when he'd finished work. She failed to comprehend that this ends decades of speculation about whether Patrick Troughton drank milk. Obviously the speculation has been kept away from the proles - they are not worthy. The woman - her name was Candi - nodded as if she understood me (which I doubted from the start) and even offered to perform a h-e-t-e-r-o-s-e-x-u-a-l act upon me. I was on the verge of agreeing (I was still rather excited over the Troughton note) when she told me it would cost fifty pounds. This aroused my suspicions about whether it was a legitimate dating agency. I returned home alone and read the Troughton note until I'd saved myself fifty pounds.

20th April

People don't ask me enough questions. I know the proles are unworthy of me but I like showing off to them. I am aware that they view me as a powerful figure - the man of knowledge - and even the h-o-m-o-s-e-x-u-a-l-s hold me in special regard but I wish they'd ask me more technical questions. I have decided to create several cunning alter egos and ask myself questions. Today I registered with EZBoard as "Davros Brant" and asked a marvellous question about whether anyone remembers the American situation comedy Kelvin Ekhart. I left a sensible gap of eight minutes before replying that it ran for three episodes in 1978 (I have all three on video tape). I also gave details of cast, crew, production history, UK and US transmission dates as well as recording sessions. "Davros" then replied thanking me for my kind reply and letting me know that he'd come to me for help in future. For a brief moment I actually forgot that "he" was me and I smiled warmly.

21st April

Smiling warmly was a mistake - my face hurt when I woke up.

24th April

I've been invited to attend a Doctor Who convention in the United States of America. A letter came today saying that they would delighted if I attended. I immediately sent back a cheque for the entry fees and said I would be attending. No mention was made of me having my own panels but I'm sure that was an oversight. I much prefer paying my way - it means I am impartial and not in the pocket of the organisers.

26th April

Elkie has gone too far this time - I found a fragment of a picture of Fluffy the Vampire Slayer in her dung. I was angry when she was eating my Doctor Who memorabilia but at least that showed good taste. Even worse is that her eating Fluffy might indicate certain h-o-m-o-s-e-x-u-a-l leanings.

29th April

I don't know what came over me - I spent the whole day in my underpants listening to Slade records. I'll have to do a double stint in the archives tomorrow. I am unclean.

30th April

My double shift in the records room paid dividends - not only did I find two missing episodes of Dad's Army behind a filing cabinet (I smuggled them out inside my patented Big Hollow Book - specifically designed, by me, to fit cans of BBC film) but I also uncovered a first draft of The Time Warrior where the lead character is spelt both as "Linx" and "Lynx". He also, at one point, referred to as a "Suntaran". Alas no one will ever see this as the relevant pages have become inexplicably stuck together