The Secret Diary of Dennis Brent

1st March

I've written a hilarious wombat joke. I hope I get the chance to use it at the Outpost Gallifrey internet message board. I might wait a while - I don't want to spoil my reputation by being seen as a joker.

3rd March

My sense of humour is taking over my brain. I've written a very humorous Outpost Gallifrey internet message board profile and there is a danger that people might think I'm Jack the lad.

4th March

I was enraged today when I saw someone on a message board write "peddantic". I immediately posted a reply pointing out that the word is obviously "pedantic". I hope they appreciate what I do for them even though I did point out that they were all beneath contempt.

6th March

I'm still having to examine Elkie's dung on a daily basis. Today I found a poor facsimile of Patrick Troughton's hand - I'm very much afraid she's gained access to my Dapol Wing and begun to snack on them. With any luck she might eat Davros's extra arm. Damn - another joke. I must stop being so funny.

8th March

I had to renew my passport today and I couldn't decide what to put under "Occupation". I considered "Historian", "Archivist" and "Professional writer" but decided to settle on "Expert".

10th March

I found a piece of paper which moved me greatly. It's no exaggeration to say this will change the world. I've decided to call it "Doctorgate" and have already dashed off an article to DWAS (DWM, Dreamwatch Bulletin, TV Zone, BBCi, Outpost Gallifrey and Telos Publishing copied in). The gist is that I have in my possession a memo from 1963 which asks whether the new programme should be called "Doctor Whom". The BBC reference department replied that it shouldn't. I can barely write legibly I'm that excited. Note to self - need new box of Kleenex.

13th March

Got the new Doctor Who Magazine (a day AFTER the proles - I'm going to write a letter of complaint to the management of Panini UK) and read it in a record thirty seven minutes. I was third on the thanked list - my best position for five months - but I can't help but think that it's cheapened by being positioned just above a "joke" about Norman Tebbit being cast as the new Doctor. My sense of humour is excellent but I fail to see the point of these "jokes". April the first is the traditional time for humour - one half day per year being perfectly adequate for the purpose.

15th March

I did a search for my name on the internet. Can you believe that no one has set up an internet site to honour my work? I found seventy two devoted to Nicola Bryant and none to me - what does she have that I don’t?

18th March

Gary Russell emailed me and offered me a role in a forthcoming Big Finish audio play. The character is called "Moos Sha Ga" and has, rather flatteringly, been written for me. Apparently, the character is desperate to break in to the intergalactic bank at Anelac Sess. Gary said he thinks I'll really be able to portray the obsession he has with penetrating Anelac Sess. I'm deeply honoured but it's no more than I deserve. I haven't trodden the boards since my group from the technical college put on an end of term revue. It wasn't as funny as my wombat joke but it was better than the rubbish that they put on television these days.

19th March

Bastards bastards bastards. The email from Gary Russell was a hoax. I bet it was those horrible h-o-m-o-s-e-x-u-a-l-s. I rang the number "Gary" quoted in his message and it turned out to be a five pounds per minute bestial pornography chat line. That's two hundred and ten pounds down the drain. Bastards bastards bastards.

22nd March

Those h-o-m-o-s-e-x-u-a-l-s are a pain in the backside. They fill my favourite internet message boards with pointless flirting and "fun". Don't they realise that it is a place for the mature discussion of telecine inserts and the like? I have no problem with deviants per se but I object to having homosexual acts forced down my throat. I will be writing to the chairman of the BBC at once. Damn - Elkie has eaten the last of my postage stamps. Life is so unfair.

24th March

I had a dream last night that I was George Bailey from "It's a Wonderful Life". An angel came down and showed me what the world would be like without me. Then it pushed me off the bridge into the water. I woke up and found that Elkie had urinated all over my bed. Life is really really unfair.

26th March

Life is so good to me. I found an autographed copy of the 1986 Doctor Who annual on EBay for only ninety pounds. Even better is that the signature - that of Martin Jarvis (from Vengeance on Varos) - is another one to tick off my list. I now have the signatures of thirty two point six percent of all the actors and actresses ever to appear in BBC television's "Doctor Who". Anyone who says my life is pointless should read this entry and they'd soon change their minds.

28th March

Disaster - I have a hole in my best Captain Scarlet pyjamas. Well, not my best best ones (they are in the bank vault) but my favourite ones - the ones that nicely compliment my Joe 90 slippers. I snagged them on Elkie's banister and caused a four millimetre hole. If only there was a h-o-m-o-s-e-x-u-a-l around - they're all screaming mincers and could easily stitch it. Damn it - I need a queen to attend to my hole. I suppose a woman would do. I wonder if Timelady Bobbins would come over from wherever she lives and repair it ? Ness will break my legs if I ask her.

30th March

I have no one to repair my pyjamas. I've had to put them in my cryogenic unit to prevent further damage.

31st March

It's April the first tomorrow - I can wait to see how my article in Celestial Toyroom goes down. I've written an article about Colin Baker changing the regeneration script from "And it seems not a moment too soon" to "And it seems on a moment too soon". When I came up with the joke I thought I'd wet myself but it turned out to be Elkie urinating on me again. She's doing that a lot lately.