The Secret Diary of Dennis Brent

1st February

I swear I will punch the next person who calls "Doctor Who and the Silurians" just "The Silurians". I'm an easy going chap as you know but such provocation is more than a man can bear. I was in Forbidden Planet collecting (for research purposes) "SFX's Phwoar Birds of Sci Fi" special (for research purposes) and I heard some spotty children call it "The Silurians". I clenched my fists and almost lashed out.

3rd February

I have lost my 1975 Doctor Who annual. Not my best copy (that's in the vault at the bank) or my back-up best copy (that's in the vault at the other bank), not even my every day copy (which lives on shelf 2, cabinet 9). The one I've lost is my back-up every day copy. I went to consult it and found a gap where it should've been. It was such a big shock that I almost tore off my white cotton gloves and protective breathing mask in anger.

5th February

Damn and blast that elk. I found a poor quality drawing of Tom Baker's head in Elkie's dung. The b-i-t-c-h has eaten my annual. This meant that I had to dig the garden until I found the box with my back-up back-up every day annual in it. I've put Elkie on a punishment diet until she's sorry. I've also changed the entry code to my study and, this time, I'm not telling her what it is. Just in case I forget, its 231163.

7th February

A major disaster has occurred. Even more serious than the incident with the annual (I've forgiven Elkie btw after she looked at me with those big brown eyes and implicitly apologised for the distress she’d caused me). I've uncovered an official BBC document which lists filming dates for The Romans which contradict everything we currently know. The existing papers indicate that filming was finished by 3.30 while these heretical new documents show 3.45. I called Mr Hickman and asked him to postpone this month's Doctor Who Magazine to give me time to write a feature article but he just laughed. I suspect hysteria on his part. Certainly I see nothing to laugh about in the shattering of established systems of belief.

9th February

Some childish journalist interviewed me for a column called "Me and My Spoon". I gave her short shrift. I suspect she wanted to make me look foolish but I'm not about to be made to appear silly. But that is just small fry compared with me finding a fragment of Jon Pertwee's autograph in Elkie's dung. I fear she has eaten something of enormous value. I must do a stock take and remember to check her dung every day for traces.

11th February

It's getting worse. Elkie has eaten my copy of the edited Brain of Morbius. Some childish people would say that I already have my video tapes of the original transmission, the omnibus transmission (one hour long only), the original UKGold transmission (episodic), UKGold (omnibus), UKGold omnibus (new logo), BBC VHS (full length reissue), UKGold Omnibus (newer logo) and UKGold omnibus (newest logo) but I loved that video cassette more than I've ever loved anyone. Almost as much as I still love Elkie. I will have to trawl "EBay" and purchase a replacement. "A-n-a-l_icon63" will have to ride again.

February 16th

I had a long lie in this morning and didn't get up until nearly half past seven. I'd been up late working on my stock take (bed time was after 10pm). It looks as if Elkie has found a way to get into the vault at my bank. She (it appears) has eaten the original letter sent by Jon Pertwee when he agreed to accept the BBC's £3 bonus for his uncontracted nude scene in Spearhead From Space. I don't know how she managed to get past the security - they even make ME undergo a full cavity search every time I want to examine the contents of my vault. Anyone would think they enjoyed inserting probes into my a-n-u-s. Next time, I'm going to insist that they turn the camera off. I can't believe they are still making a vital training video. Doctor Flapjack has the exclusive television rights to my a-n-u-s and it could cause a messy dispute if he found I’d made an unauthorised sub-contract.

February 19th

The new Doctor Who magazine came (a day earlier than the plebs would get it - my top secret sources are slipping). It pains me to see that five people were thanked ahead of me. It is nothing more than a peasant’s rag these days and I'm going to seriously consider cutting the number of unsolicited articles I send them. Out of the fifty six I sent in the last two months, none have used. I think my postman is dishonest. I suspect he is stealing my outgoing post and binning it. He's probably in the pay of the h-o-m-o-s-e-x-u-a-l-s who populate the BBC internet message board. They've had a vendetta against me for months and not even my very amusing joke equating them with paedophiles mended the bridges they had burned. Oh well - it's their loss.

21st February

“Timelady Bobbins” and I spent a very pleasant evening discussing places to park in central Wales. I think I will ask her to marry me next time she is online. I'll talk to the vicar tomorrow so everything is arranged before I ask her. Elkie can be maid of honour. Note to self - The Watcher and Jackie Jenkins will have to wear masks during the service or the plebs might discover who they are.

24th February

I loathe the internet. Not content with providing a forum for the childish minority (all of them h-o-m-o-s-e-x-u-a-l) who seem to bear a grudge towards me, it also cut “Timelady Bobbins” off the moment I asked her to marry me. She's obviously experiencing technical difficulties as I haven't heard anything from her in the thirty one hours since I proposed.

27th February

I attended a course today about how to behave in social situations. They seemed to conclude that there was a fundamental flaw in the way I relate to other people (especially strangers). I told them not to be so utterly childish and stormed out. I went back in the afternoon and told them again that they were juvenile and I wouldn't grace them with my presence. I've made a note to go back tomorrow morning and remind them that they are too juvenile to deserve my attendance.