The Secret Diary of Dennis Brent

January 2nd

Thank goodness these festivities are over. I admit I enjoyed my small glass of sherry but all this pointless enjoyment baffles me. I found a memo today from the head of BBC Serials which explained why Tom Baker wouldn't be allowed to add "masturbating halfwit" to the script for Destiny of the Daleks. This document is of such importance that I think I'll take a leaf out of my friend Ian Devine’s book and keep it a secret.

January 3rd

Tom's "masturbating halfwit" is preying on my mind. I want to tell the world how clever I am to have found it but I also want the smug satisfaction of having something no one else knows about. I think I'll watch my Power of the Daleks video and have a think about it.

January 7th

Someone on the juvenile BBC internet message boards accused me of being The Watcher. I made him feel very silly by replying "The Watcher has an excellent sense of humour and writes an entertaining column". I know who The Watcher is though. They'll never get me to tell. Never never never. They're just children.

January 9th

I've worked out a way of revealing how clever I am over the Tom Baker "masturbating halfwit" memo while keeping it a secret. Only someone with my intellect could've come up with such a solution. I'm going to publish it through DWAS - no one will ever read it. Elkie is off her food - if she doesn't buck up soon I'll have to take her to the vet. On the bright side, she's stopped pretending to read whenever she sees me approaching.

January 12th

Got the new Doctor Who Magazine (two days before the peasants - I'm special). I'm thanked (obviously) but only fourth of the list. I'm thinking of changing my name to "Dennis Aarunt" to make sure I'm always alphabetically first. Andrew's Archive is very well written considering it wasn't written by me. My version would be much better obviously. I don't approve of all this "Clay" business. In my day the editor was called Mister Russell or Mister Gillatt. All this informality isn't good for anyone.

January 14th

I was on good form today - I managed to complete no fewer than three of those silly "Doctor Who actors who also appeared in..." threads at the British Broadcasting Corporation internet message board. Those ungrateful children didn't bother to thank me. If they didn't want to know the full answer, why did they ask the question? Elkie's appetite is still not as it should be.

January 16th

I can't believe that DWAS aren’t interested in publishing the Tom Baker memo in hardback. They said it had "limited interest" which just goes to show that they are pathetic juveniles who don't deserve my talents. However, being the magnanimous and generous man that I am, I will continue to send them material. Obviously I have plenty of other outlets who would love to print my articles but I will be loyal to DWAS. Today I found a camera script for scene seven of episode two of The Web Planet. I'll need to investigate it thoroughly but there is a small possibility that the doodle on the second page might have been done by Martin Jarvis. Let's see DWAS say THIS has "limited interest".

January 20th

The doodle isn't by Martin Jarvis. Four days locked in heated research and I find out that it was only "William Russell". I've already got three doodles by Russell Enoch but none by Martin Jarvis. Life is so unfair.

January 22nd

The vet asked about Elkie's eating habits. She wanted to know if she'd ingested anything she shouldn't. I was extremely clever and just said I'd been giving her a protein supplement. The fool never suspected a thing. She gave me some tablets to give to Elkie. She said I might have to force her to swallow them. I let her know that wouldn't be a problem.

January 23rd

I can barely contain my excitement. I have on my lap a piece of paper which will shake Doctor Who fandom to its very foundations. A document whose importance cannot be understated. I have been quivering all day with the anticipation of breaking this news to the unwashed masses. I don't know how to put this but I'm sure my gripping prose style won't let me down. I have in my possession a letter from Verity Lambert to William Hartnell where she mis-spells his name as "William Hartnel". You'll have to excuse me - I suddenly have need of a tissue.

January 25th

Someone on the BBC internet message board suggested that, in their opinion, Buffy the Vampire Slayer was a good piece of televisual entertainment. I let them know that they were wrong. My reply was masterful - "Fluffy the Vampire Slayer is dreadful - anyone who likes it is an idiot". That shut them up - not one of the twenty seven replies could counter my argument.

January 28th

Those juveniles at DWAS have turned down my Lambert letter. They don't think it has enough historical importance to warrant an entire edition of Celestial Toyroom. I'm going to start my own fanzine - "Mucky Devastation II" - to publish my discoveries. I can't leave such important papers in the hands of children. But I have forgiven DWAS - I've already started work on this year's April Fools joke. I thought I'd try something radically different this year and produce some fake camera script extracts.

January 29th

I've noticed that Steve Roberts' name is a different colour on the BBC internet message boards. As are those of the moderators of the board (who are far too lax in my opinion). Why is my name not a different colour? I am far more use than mere experts or moderators. I'm Dennis Brent and I should be singled out for special attention. I think I'll start a petition. My friend “Time Lady Bobbins” will sign it. She understands me. If I didn't have Elkie I'd probably ask “Time Lady Bobbins” to marry me. There's no way on earth she'd turn me down - I'm Dennis Brent. If we ever meet I am sure she would be knocked down by my sheer stature. I want my name to be in blue. I'd pick red but red is close to pink and pink is associated with those horrible h-o-m-o-s-e-x-u-a-l-s. Blue is manly like me.

January 31st

A wonderful day - I watched the first half of The Daleks Masterplan this morning and then spent the rest of the time gazing at my genuine "Full Circle" river fruit. It's been in a deep frozen state since 1981 but some times I like to open the viewing hatch on my cryogenic unit and look at it. Whenever people ask what it is I tell them it's an ice maker. They are childish enough to believe me. I don't want anyone to look too closely or they might find William Hartnell inside. I think I'd like to be frozen when I die - I can be the prize exhibit in an exhibition of Doctor Who celebrities. Or just the centrepiece of a secret collection like William.