7pm

“All I want to do” began Balsdeep the Balti Badger with little beads of spittle coming from his mouth-hole, “is go round all the Bargainsave Mexaplexes and give people free samples of this delicious and surprisingly nutritious savoury snack. I don’t – and this is the important bit – want to be molested by Big Daddy’s brother at one of our flagship stores and then be followed by the aforementioned wobbler as I make my way to the next store on my itinerary. Is it too much to ask? Is it?”

“Well” I began, taking the lead as Ian Devine had been mesmerised by Balsdeep’s mention of his delicious savouries. “I can see you have a point. I will concede that Ian Devine – for it is he – has a tendency to be a little over enthusiastic where savouries are concerned. It is a curse not a blessing and he fights a daily battle to overcome his baser urges.”

“I do?” muttered Ian Devine. I elbowed him in the ribs but he didn’t seem to notice so I stamped on his foot instead. “Ah yes – I do. I fight a daily battle to overcome my baser urges where savouries are concerned. Dennis Brent is quite right when he points this out and I’m sure he won’t mind me mentioning that he too fights a daily battle against the fungal infection which is slowly digesting his gen…”

“Thank you” I snapped, stamping on his foot once more and putting my body between his and Balsdeep’s.

“That doesn’t alter the fact that he sat on me. Twice. Once at the store in Bendaton and once in the buffet car.”

“You didn’t tell me you’d sat on his in the buffet car, Ian Devine” I said. I had been entrusted with his defence and was appalled that he’d kept potentially vital information from me.

“Didn’t I? Well, things get overlooked in the cut and thrust of modern life as I’m sure you will attest to and Balsdeep would were he not so poverty stricken that he has to dress up as a badger.”

Trust Ian Devine to say something pathetically tactless like that. I despair of him sometimes. Balsdeep took the remark badly and swung his… dammit, my… speculum in a threatening manner. Ian Devine and I considered making a dash for the safety of the toilet but there was no way we’d both fit in the tiny cubicle and besides, I don’t want to get a reputation as a man who shares a lavatory with another man.

“We seem to have reached an impasse” said Balsdeep once he had calmed down. I risked a glance at my watch and saw we were nearly at London Airport and if this contretemps didn’t end soon we might miss our stop.

“Would it help if my colleague issued a written apology?” I said.

“Hold hard, Dennis Brent, I see nothing in my conduct for which I should…” began Ian Devine but a speculum thrust in his face put a stop to his whitering. “On the other hand I can see Mr Badger has been wronged and it is my duty as a gentleman to see he gets satisfaction.”

“Would you accept a note of apology, Mr Badger?” I asked.

“I s’pose so” said Balsdeep.

Ian Devine scribbled a quick note and handed it to me. I had the portable blotter and wasn’t letting go of it as I doubted that the Americans would possess anything comparable.

“Dear Balsdeep the Balti Badger,

I am very sorry for sitting on you in Bargainsave and again in the buffet car of this train. I have a medical condition which sometimes causes me to act in a precipitous manner and I assure you this was triggered by your savouries and is in no way a reflection upon your character.

Yours sincerely,

Ian Devine BA (hons)”

I blotted the note and handed it back to Ian Devine.

“I shall post this to you as soon as we arrive in London” said Ian Devine.

“Why not just give it to me?” asked Balsdeep.

“I don’t follow” said Ian Devine and I confess I shared his sentiments.

“Why not just give the note to me now instead of wasting twenty-eight pence.”

“Twenty-one pence” corrected Ian Devine.

“Whatever. Why not just either give me the note now or apologise verbally?”

“Dennis Brent” said Ian Devine, drawing me to one side and whispering, “this man appears to be insane. Or worse. He doesn’t seem to understand what we say to him.”

“I have a plan – you distract him and I’ll escape.”

“And?”

“And what?”

“What is the rest of your plan?”

“What rest?”

“The bit after you’ve escaped.”

“I go back to my carriage and resume reading my book.”

“And me?”

“I don’t think I could read you, Ian Devine, as you are not made up of words printed upon paper.”

“Richly comic, Dennis Brent, but you know what I meant.”

“Then you must distract him so well that we can both escape. You can post the note of regret care of Bargainsave Head Office so your honour will be satisfied.”

“Ah ha – I have it, Dennis Brent, by George I have it.”

“I know – I gave it back to you.”

“No no – you misunderstand. I have the means to distract Balsdeep.”

“How so?”

“With this small pie.”

“Bribery?”

“Watch a master craftsman at work, Dennis Brent, you may learn something.”

Ian Devine and I broke up our conspirators huddle and Ian Devine addressed Balsdeep.

“Do you know what is inside this pie?” he asked.

“Meat?”

“No.”

“Jam?”

“No.”

“What then?”

“Wait and see” said Ian Devine. He bit into the pie and nibbled all around until he was able to remove the top of the pastry casing. He pulled out a tiny pink garment. “I couldn’t find room for this in my trunk but I thought it was worth bringing with me in case I have the chance to sunbathe in America.”

“What is it?” asked Balsdeep.

“It is my gentleman’s thong.”

“You… wear… that…?” stammered Balsdeep. “OH MY GOD I’VE GONE BLIND” he cried, stumbling round the carriage and wailing.

“Run, Ian Devine” I called.

“Right behind you, Dennis Brent” replied my colleague.

We got back to our compartment just as the generic public address system announced that the train would shortly be arriving at London Airport.

“We made it, Dennis Brent” panted Ian Devine.

“Did you ever doubt it, Ian Devine?” I replied.

“Dennis Brent?” he began uncomfortably.

“Yes?”

“If just getting a train involves us in such a web of mayhem and intrigue, what on Earth (or indeed several thousand feet above the Earth) will happen to us on an aeroplane?”

“That, Ian Devine, is a very good question.”