1pm

It was Frazer Hines who gave me a very sound piece of advice.

“If I tell you this will you promise to **** off?” he said to me in obvious jest.

“I will” I replied.

“If you ever do an autograph signing, have a bowl of nuts or crisps on the table in front of you for people to snack on.”

“That seems needlessly expensive” I told him.

“Ah” he said, putting a finger in the air and, not wanting to waste the movement at his age, using it to summon security to make sure I was safely escorted to my next appointment, “you use a large bowl and only put a small bowl’s worth of snacks in it. That way people will think you’ve had a lot more people wanting your autograph.”

“That’s very good advice, Frazer Hines” I said as I was being dragged away by guards who had obviously mistaken me for someone else. I was telling this story to Iain Devine as he folded up the green cloth which, you will recall, had hidden his tricycle from view. We had been into the travel agents and he was now in receipt of three first class tickets and lighter to the tune of several thousand pounds.

“You know what you need, Dennis Brent” puffed Iain Devine, the strain of folding the cloth having taken its toll.

“What would that be, Iain Devine?”

“You need a small quantity of snack foods and a large bowl that you wouldn’t be excessively concerned about being damaged in transit.”

“Are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” I asked.

“I might be.”

“Then what are you suggesting?”

“That we go to Bargainsave and purchase some supplies” he clarified.

That wasn’t what I thought he was thinking and I was, on this occasion, glad to be wrong.

Bargainsave at lunchtime is not a pleasant experience. We hadn’t even made it thought the door when a man in what looked like a skunk costume started bothering us. He was trying to make us take a sample of some spicy potato chip which was so unappealing that even Iain Devine demurred. Well, he helped himself to a large supply but it wasn’t as large as he would normally have taken and in my book that counts as demurring. We left what I would later discover was “Balsdeep the Balti Badger” to bother the proles and went in search of the dish department.

“Look at this, Dennis Brent” gasped Iain Devine as we passed Sundry Nuts. “It says ‘Buy Two Boxes of Nuts and Get Two Boxes of Nuts’ – imagine having four boxes of nuts and only paying for two of them.”

“Oh, Iain Devine, you almost fell for the oldest trick in the book. Of course you get two boxes of nuts it you buy two boxes of nuts – that is what buying two boxes of nuts means.”

“Ah. I let my heart rule my head” he said apologetically. “I blame a nutritional deficiency. I shall go and seek out Balsdeep the Balti Badger and his delicious spicy treats.”

“I thought you were demurring” I observed.

“It has been three minutes. In my book that counts as demurring.”

“Fair comment” I agreed. “I’ll be somewhere in the store if you need me.”

I trudged around the isles in search of a cheap dish or bowl. The public address system (one should never simply say “tannoy” as that is a brand name and such slack English should be punished) was playing a selection of classic television “theme tunes” as performed by what the cassette tape box called ‘Firkinside’s Foremost Pan Pipe Ensemble’. I hope Iain Devine isn’t reading this or he will know what he is getting for Christmas in two years time. Well, I bought the thing and I’m dashed if I’m not going to get some good out of it now that I’ve made myself a perfectly good copy.

The Pipers were merrily blowing away at Jason King when I located the crockery department and, as Frazer Hines had suggested, I sought out a large bowl. It had flowers on it but that couldn’t be helped. I shook the box to make sure it was all in one piece and, when I heard nothing, I decided to purchase it. I was walking away when I noticed a sign on the floor. “Buy One Get One Free On ALL Bowls” it read. This presented me with an ethical dilemma – if I got only one bowl then I was effectively giving Bargainsave seventy five pence of my money. But I only needed one bowl and I wasn’t going to give Iain Devine the free one just so he too could appear more popular if (and it was a big IF) he was invited to hold his own signing. That too would be as if I had given Iain Devine seventy five pence. If I kept both bowls for myself then I would run the risk of someone happening upon either bowl in Brent Towers and I would get a reputation as a man with absolutely no taste in bowls. I could, obviously, have “accidentally” smashed one of the bowls and tried to get my seventy five pence back at a later date but I am not a man who likes to cause trouble. I decided the only sensible thing to do was to seek out a member of staff.

“Excuse me” I said when at last I found a prole with a badge.

“Yessir?”

“I would like you to cancel this special offer please.”

“Cancel it?”

“Yes. It is placing me in a difficult position and I would like you to nullify the promotion with immediate effect.”

“Huh?”

I could see I was in for a long afternoon which, frankly, I didn’t have. I settled myself down for a lengthy discussion when an urgent message was broadcast around the store.

“Shut up – the boss is saying something over the tannoy” he snapped.

“It is not a tannoy – it is a generic public address system” I snapped back. He swallowed the bulk of the message and ran off to the car park where we found Iain Devine apparently molesting Balsdeep the Balti Badger.

“I need more of your savoury delights” he said, astride the six foot badger and licking its paws for crumbs.

“Come on, Iain Devine” I said calmingly. “We have some packing to do.”

“Oh… yes… sorry… I was overcome…” he stammered. “Did you get your bowl?”

“I didn’t – they didn’t have one that I wanted” I said and he would never appreciate how richly comic that sentence was.