05:00 – 06:00

I considered my first question carefully so as to maximise my gift detecting potential.

“How are you Grantham?” I asked, cunningly.

“I’m in fine fettle thank you Dennis Brent” he replied, thereby denying me the chance to buy him basic medical supplies.

“No cuts or bruises that could benefit from inexpensive but extremely useful treatments?”

“This is a strange questionnaire, Dennis Brent. Don’t take it amiss but I don’t think the readership of Celestial Toyroom will enjoy it.”

“I’m making pleasant conversation” I explained. “It’s called ‘small talk’ and it’s what proles do at social gatherings.”

“Why can’t they discuss fascinating technical matters like normal people?”

“It’s a mystery” I agreed.

“Are there any sensible questions in your quiz?”

“Naturally. My first question is which of your Target novelisations has the fewest signatures in it?”

“That’s a painful subject, Dennis Brent, as you should be well aware that my copy of Doctor Who and the Zarbi is only signed by Martin Jarvis and Maureen O’Brien. Russell Enoch refused to sign it after I bought him a sensible half pint of real ale instead of the black Russian and cranberry cordial that he asked for.”

“That is a convention calibre anecdote, Grantham” I commended.

“Thank you.”

“The second question is what condition are your Doctor Who underpants in?”

“Well, they took a bit of a battering the day we heard that a h-o-m-o-s-e-x-u-a-l was to script the new television series but basically they are sound. There are a couple of sensible leather patches over signs of wear but they’ll last until my Paul McGann thong arrives from Karfel Enterprises.”

“What is their delivery service like?”

“They said seven working days.”

“So mine should arrive by the weekend then. Marvellous” I replied.

“It’s for my archive obviously” we both said together.

“Naturally” we both replied.

“The final question is what digital compression format would you use if you were planning to put your televisual archive online?”

“What an absurd notion” said Grantham. We enjoyed a good roaring laugh at the mere idea of sharing our treasures with the proles.

“In a purely hypothetical sense” I stressed, wiping a tear from my eye and mopping some tea that had leaked from my nose while I was roaring.

“An excellent question now you have added that important caveat.” Grantham provided me with a comprehensive answer containing much valuable and fascinating technical terminology.

“Did you just make all that up?” I asked.

“Yes.”

“I thought so. We sensible telehistorians have no need for scientific mumbo jumbo” I agreed. “You cleverly saw through my trick question.”

“Thank you, Dennis Brent. I’m not just a pretty face” joked Grantham.

“You are a pretty face…” began Wicks before turning it into a discrete cough. He is such an ironic and witty man. “I hope Dennis Brent didn’t hear that” he added in a whisper, taking the joke too far as usual.

I hung the telephone up after a brief but fascinating discussion about the Feast of Steven (Wicks and Grantham having enjoyed their copy earlier but – they alleged – there was a three second flaw in the Dolby 6.1 mix which rather spoilt their mood. I rushed over to my DVD library and watched the entertainment again with my entire speaker system on. The walls were shaking with the volume as I strained to hear every nuance of the sound track.

“SOMEONE IS TRYING TO STEAL MY PIES… SOMEONE IS TRYING TO STEAL MY PIES” boomed Ian Devine’s alarm, doubtless set off by the vibrations.

“You appear to be causing a commotion, Dennis Brent” said the real Ian Devine.

“SOMEONE IS TRYING TO STEAL MY PIES… SOMEONE IS TRYING TO STEAL MY PIES” replied the recorded Ian Devine.

“Grantham alleged that his copy contains a Dolby 6.1 flaw and since his was sourced from my master disc I must check it immediately.”

“Very wise, Dennis Brent” said the real Ian Devine.

“SOMEONE IS TRYING TO STEAL MY PIES… SOMEONE IS TRYING TO STEAL MY PIES”

“Should you deactivate your area controls again?” I asked as the alarm threatened to drown out the soundtrack.

“A wise precaution, Den…” he began but we both gasped as we heard a three second drop out in the right hand rear speaker.

“It’s true” I said.

“I can’t believe it.”

“This is the end of civilisation as we know it.”

“We must speak with our source as soon as the festivity is over.”

“How do you think I can concentrate on a celebration of peace and goodwill after this?” I demanded. Ian Devine kicked my right rear speaker and sparks flew out of it.

“Have you run mad?” I demanded.

“Your speaker had developed a fault. You will claim on your good value extended warranty and when the replacement arrives we will either have a replacement disc or we will discover that the original is not defective.”

“That’s very good thinking, Ian Devine” I said. “I can once more enjoy the spirit of Christmas. We shared two small glasses of sherry in a toast to Ian Devine’s cleverness as the clock ticked down another hour closer to the edge of destruction. Dash it. That witty remark would be perfect if the expression was “another hour closer to inside the spaceship”. Life is cruel to me.

05:59:58

05:59:59

06:00:00