04:00 – 05:00
I dipped my weekly tea bag into the pot three times (one dip per small cup
and one for luck <g>) and crept back to the drawing room. I had planned my
escape to the sitting room just in case Ian Devine was still around. He is
my best friend but he is still a frequently malodorous and devastatingly
dull man who is the size of twenty castles in the sky and easily as likely
to cause widespread damage if dropped from a reinforced aeroplane.
Fortunately Ian Devine had returned to bed (I could hear his snoring once
in the drawing room) and I could sit alone and ponder. I decided it would
be rather witty to wrap Ian Devine’s present up using pages from one of my
duplicated camera scripts. I had several spares that I had hoped to trade
with other fascinatingly minded men but the opportunities had never
managed to arise. My theory is that such men as myself are like the Royal
Family in that it is too great a risk to have them all together at the
same time in case an incident occurs or a terrorist attacks and we are all
wiped out. So much history lost in one fell swoop would rob the world of a
great and priceless resource.
Wicks and Grantham were next on my list. What does one get the gentlemen
who have everything? The answer, though not obvious, was brilliant. I
would use my world famous Dennis Brent cunning and initiative. The reason
why I was Blake and they were my seven… four. I dialled Wicks’ number.
“Yes?” said a croaky voice after no fewer than 47 rings.
“Wicks?”
“Yes.”
“This is Dennis Brent.”
“It’s one and a half minutes past four in the morning, Dennis Brent” he
informed me.
“I am well aware of that, Wicks, but I am presently drafting an amusing
quiz for the Christmas edition of Celestial Toyroom."
“But that isn’t due for publication until April” he protested.
“We writers – as you well know – must act upon our muse when it strikes.”
He agreed with me heartily, adding “That is very true, Dennis Brent”.
I thanked him for his compliment.
“The first question is which colour do you think worked most effectively
for colour separation overlay?”
“Personally I think blue was most effective but I have had fascinating
technical discussions with people from both the yellow and green camps”
replied Wicks. We had a fascinating technical discussion until I
remembered the point of my telephone call. I was paying for the
conversation after all. I’m not made of money.
“Which digital format do you think will best preserve the BBC’s programme
archive?”
“That’s a very interesting question” replied Wicks and we had another
fascinating technical discussion. I had lured him into my web of mayhem
and intrigue.
“What would your ideal Christmas present?” I asked hastily.
“A framed photograph of myself and Grantham from the Miss Firkinside
Pageant” he said without thinking. “Erm… I mean… an ultra rare camera
script from the third episode of the Dominators signed by Norman Ashby.”
“Hmmm” I hummed. “Finally, what would you consider the ideal length for an
episode of Doctor Who, to the nearest second?”
“Without a doubt I think twenty four minutes and sixteen seconds” he said
and we had a full and complete discussion which was both fascinating and
technical. I said my goodbyes to Wicks and wished him a commendable
season. He returned the pleasantry and asked if I would like to speak to
Grantham. He passed the phone over and Grantham’s voice was heard. I
assume Grantham – who obviously slept in the other bedroom in their
Shagford cottage – had heard my name and scampered in to enjoy the
fascinating conversation.
“Dennis Brent is conducting a fascinating survey” said Wicks to Grantham.
“My feet are cold – pass me my dressing gown” replied Grantham.
“What are you like?” chided Wicks playfully.
“Thank you” said Grantham, no doubt wrapping himself in a sensible quilted
dressing gown. A man may go far without looks, talent, charisma,
intelligence or ability but he will never get anywhere without a dressing
gown – I should know. Because I’m a friend of Ian Devine’s, obviously.
“Grantham” I began, “I’ve got a few fascinating questions for you.”
“I’m all ears” he said. I chuckled because I have seen Grantham’s head and
he is indeed disproportionately eared <g>
“Was that a chuckle, Dennis Brent?” he demanded, always touchy about the
subject.
“No.”
“Cross your heart and hope to accidentally erase your video cassette of
classic rare public information films?”
“I swear” I said, my fingers crossed with such force that I almost dropped
the telephone receiver.
“Very well. Please feel free to commence the light hearted questionnaire.”
04:59:58
04:59:59
05:00:00
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