There are a lot of things you could excuse "Torchwood" of being, and transparent is certainly one of them. It's schemed with the tactical precision of an FA Cup Final, and this episode summed up that deviousness in every respect.

Mainly there was the raison d'etre - basically to chill the pants off you. This it achieved with moderate success, although I find it odd that a production team that are so sure it can scare you without the need for blood on "Doctor Who" here can't grapple with the fact that it's no substitute for tension. Not that there wasn't tension galore, but every tense thrill also had to be seemingly accompanied by an "urgh" as various grim body parts were flashed onto screen. It was like there a team of visual effects experts who'd been pacing round the room frustratedly during the last two years of Who had just been set out the traps armed with lots of fake blood and rubber limbs. This is your moment to shine, boys! That said, the countryside (surely just Cardiff again, except a part of it without any buildings) made a superb setting for this edge-of-the-seat-a-thon, and made one wish they'd get round to allowing the Doctor and Martha to explore the parts of our world that don't feature a city - a good seaside would be nice, and of course a snapping, crackling twilight wood like the one offered up here.

There was also this weeks twist - contrived, no doubt, to save money on CGI. The "twist" being that, for once, there was no alien menace at all, nothing had "come out the rift" and the murders were down to nothing less sinister than a twisted village full of body horror fetishists straight out "The Avengers". One has to be cruel and say that in his now bloated, slanty-eyed older incarnation, the once handsome Owen Teale was perfectly cast as the bloodthirsty ringleader at the centre of the gruesome plot unveiled here. Yet the denouement was not so much clever as surprising, and a little unsettling (if not dissapointing). I've come to realise that the various meanies and magical gizmos spewed out of that generous temporal rift are the best bit of any "Torchwood" adventure - the doohickey that can roll back time, the stranded alien, the extra-terrestrial force looking for a body.. these are the "Doctor Who" strands of the "Torchwood" DNA, and thus are the bits we love most. Whilst "Countrycide" was undoubtedly a superbly made horror show in its own right, it wisely left us guessing 'til sufficiently late on so that, for the most part, all watching will have spent most of the experience still trying to second-guess the fantastical nature of the, no doubt truly monstrous, threat. However, to eventually discover it really was just a few sick humans and nothing more left one feeling somewhat deflated at the state of the world, and a little let down in the manner one might be after finishing a really good UFO hunt by discovering a friend dangling a paper plate on a stick.

"Torchwood" also still thinks it neccesary to shoehorn kissing into plots that really don't need it, and Owen's unsavoury "relationship" with Gwen really isn't helping matters, nor is Jack's baffling flash of jealousy in this episode, given he's thus far shown no signs of romantic interest in any of his colleagues.

I'm still not sure of the ultimate worth of "Countrycide" - certainly as a first-time watch it was superb entertainment, though I'm not sure how it will fare now we've learnt that there isn't a mysterious alien behind all those corner-of-the-eye glimpses and sinister bodies left in woods. And what DID that dummy with the football for a head have to do with things?

Ultimately "Countrycide" may have squandered it's greatest potential - a Margaret Slitheen-esque examination of just WHY the events of this episode came about. As it stands, Burn Gorman's "because it makes me feel good" rationale seemed to shock Gwen when it should have left her barrelling him with more questions, and without any background the locals came over worryingly close to certain characters in "The League of Gentlemen". A giddy pleasure then, albeit a disposable one.

John Barrowman Sit-On-My-Face-O-Meter:
 

Not much for Jack to do this week, as he was rendered pretty armless by the local nasties...

Torchwood Tally:

And anyone looking for anything deeper than quick thrills will have been left out on a limb.