Pyramids of Mars

Or "if you didn't hate me yesterday, you certainly will today".

I've never been that fond of "Pyramids of Mars". You do hate me now don't you? It's a series classic, one of those stories that will always be above criticism. Even if you make a good case for asking "why?" you're still going to be unpopular. So I continue not to pass comment on it in polite company, unless of course it's with Si, a secret sharer of my blasphemous opinions. Sometimes when we meet we whisper in secret to each other.

"Pyramids of Mars is rubbish, isn't it Si!"

Then we bring down "Planet of Evil" as well for good measure. But we must never tell anyone else.

The truth, if there can be any in the domain of the judgement of Doctor Who stories, is that "Pyramids" has enough clout to bluff its way into any Top 10 stories chart you care to conduct. If Who stories were kings, it would be one of the richest, boasting one of the best writers, sets, Doctor-companion teams and villains of all time. It's got most of the boxes checked. On top of all that, it was made at precisely the time when Doctor Who was (a) most popular and (b) most watched by a generation of children that are now fondly nostalgic adults. It's enough that most people defend it as their own, without them having the slickness of the script, the awesome Gabriel Woolfe as Sutekh and a pair of storming monsters to hold up as evidence. Pity us, the "Paradise Towers" brigade, who can't convince quite so easily, even if our fond memories are as loved and immovable.

So the voice that comes along, a long-time after the event, and makes "Pyramids" try and stand up for its myth as (according to the latest DWM figures) the very best Doctor Who story OF ALL TIME, it going to be lost in the darkness. It's attained such legend, and been loved by so many, that like "Sergeant Pepper" there really isn't any point in noting that it's deeply flawed, or it doesn't actually make sense. But - hang on! - shouldn't a story that's hailed as the best of all time, top of the pack, ruler of the roost, have to stand up to that bit more scrutiny? Nobody's pretending that "Pyramids" is as bad as "Underworld" or "The Krotons". But if you say you're the best, you have to prove it.

And, beggar it, if we actually examine the Best Story Of All Time in not-very-much detail, it begins to fall apart a bit. The sets run out in Episode 3, leaving the whole of the last quarter to be conducted against a swirling CSO backdrop. The story, oddly, seems to have a real problem with its historical setting, going to pains to point out how disruption of known history can be a threat when it would better skirting round a battle it can't win. And, atrociously, the whole thing is wrapped up by a handy doohickey the Doctor whips out the TARDIS right at the end.

I've tried many times to get my head round the conclusion of "Pyramids". Even aside from the 'magic box' methodology, the Doctor appears to sort out Sutekh by propelling him into the future and thus 'aging him to death'. It's not so much the logic that one can fault here as the general reasoning. Why was Sutekh travelling to Earth anyway? And if Sutekh remained trapped for a short time after the Eye was destroyed, how could he move? Again, these are picky complaints, but this IS supposed to be the Best Story Ever. We have to be extra harsh.

In the final account, "Pyramids" is very good. But without the nostalgic association, I'm lost in searching for that something special which sets this up above absolutely everything else. There are a few poetic lines of dialogue, but not that many. The design is very good, but hardly awesome. The adventure is a fun jaunt, but it doesn't move or change my life. When we say "Pyramids" is rubbish, we don't mean it. What we mean is that for someone to introduce you to the Best Story Ever and show you this, you might be moved to disappointment. Or even to exclaim that bits of it were, considering, a bit... well... rubbish. I don't think "Pyramids" is the best story ever. It doesn't matter. No one will ever believe me.