23rd January 2054

My first day at Space College. Everyone here seems really nice. In the morning I made my first friend, Julian Radnor. He spotted my rocket from across the lab and we struck up a conversation. He seems quite popular with the girls, and it's little wonder, he's quite a dish. Me, I've got no chance with my receding hair and stinking body odour.

3rd February 2054

Things have been going really well. We've all been granted government funding for our first term projects, so myself and Julian have decided to build our own rocket, which I plan to call the Flying Eldred. The name's a bit of a rip-off of The Flying Dutchman I know, but it's the best I can come up with. A nice young girl called Gia wants to join our team, I've said she can watch and make the coffee as Julian seems keen. All in all, a good day. All readings alpha green, as they say!

16th February 2054

Caught Julian and Gia in the fuel chamber together, but don't worry! It's not what it looked like! Julian was just showing her his G-Thrust motions and made me apologise for slapping the girl. Gia is a dull sort of wench anyway, not much of a looker and with about as much sense of adventure as a synthetic carbo-hydrates factory. Went into town after work and bought a handsome new green quilted body warmer to cheer myself up.

3rd March 2054

A dull day. It rained all morning. The Space College have brought in a new compulsory uniform so now we all have to wear PVC space pants to work. Gia arrived this morning with her dress tucked into her knicks. Didn't tell her all day, just for a laugh.

31st March 2054

Have chucked Gia off the team. The seeds of my suspicion about her were first sown when I caught a look at her new design suggestions for the Rocket: she seems to favour an absurd cubicle affair! I told her she must have space madness - a Rocket should be Rocket shaped or it's not a Rocket! The final straw came today when she gave a lecture on matter transmission and called me crap in front of the whole class. So I weed in her handbag as revenge. Julian is now not talking to me.

3rd April 2054

Julian's birthday. Bought him a T-Shirt with a rocket on. He smiled but in a way that suggested he intends to use it to buff down his Space Car. Gia bought him a Space Briefcase, which he has apparently always wanted, although this is news to me. Solved the Neutral Sezium Ions Problem. It felt like a hollow victory without Julian to share it with.

15th April 2054

Haven't spoken to Julian since his birthday. I've been promoted to Head Researcher on my Rocket project, but this is mainly because I'm now the only person left on the team. Gia is calling her new rocket 'T-Mat'. Only she could think up such a stupid name! I dazzled her with my wit today by proclaiming it to be a "T-errible" invention! Stopped by Gia's flat on the way home and posted a turd through her letterbox.

20th April 2054

A disaster has occurred. I've just heard that I've lost Government Funding for the Rocket. I suspect this is because Smelly Kelly's Uncle Ernie is Governor of Rocket Funding at Space Control. Worst still, apparently Gia has had "commercial interest" in her rubbish T-Mat invention - they want to build cubicles at the International Space Research Centre, on the Moon and in every terrestrial branch of Woolworths. Consoled myself this afternoon by ringing Gia's flat twenty seven times and putting the phone down.

27th April 2054

Gia has taken out a restraining order against me. I'm apparently now breaking the law if I wander within twenty-five metres of the bitch at any time. Julian blanked me in Sainsburys.

3rd March 2054

Have decided to become a recluse and build a museum in my sitting room to pass the time. Given my new solitary life, this will be the last ever entry in my diary. Julian has been posted to the Moon to work on T-Mat. Got drunk last night and accidentally T-Matted myself into the heart of Moon Control, naked but for a green quilted body warmer. I can officially now never show my face or my bottom in public again.