Timelash

Like all truly bad Doctor Who, "Timelash" has that distinct, slightly reckless feel that unfamiliar hands are at the helm. It's akin to travelling in the back of your own car with a manic alcoholic at the wheel, an impression substantiated with "Timelash" upon finding out that an unknown wrote the script and that wretched Pennant Roberts is in charge of things. But there's more.

"Timelash" is an uncomfortable watch because it has an odd whiff of the familiar about it. It's actually the most traditional, Doctor Who-like story of the season, which is exactly where the disorientation sets in; all the staples that make this one so bad are elements we've come to expect from Doctor Who but which have been largely absent for a while - the legions of poor faceless extras, sets which even the story itself remarks are dull and flat looking, a stupid plot, a helpless screaming girl companion, dialogue harking back to a story we haven't seen and an unexplained resolution. Season 22 dished up its fair share of undesirable new assets for the series, yet here for good measure are all the things that it is mostly great for leaving out. In a complete turd of a production.

Curiously, there's more than a touch of Hartnell about proceedings, further adding to the traditional feel that makes us afraid to admit that this is actually the most Doctor Who-ey story of the year. There are loads of TARDIS scenes for a start, plus that by-now slightly tacky sense of the Doctor arriving on an unknown planet and helping out two opposing "Pels", almost as if the story was written after reading "The Making of Doctor Who" or a long chat with a drunken Terrance Dicks. Colin Baker actually seems to think he IS Hartnell in this too, spending the adventure snapping, being eccentric and grabbing his lapels. In short, this story is like the first Doctor Who Night sketch expanded into 90 minutes.

It's all a bit of a shame, because I was planning to write about the rather intriguing business of the Doctor's first visit to Karfel. Despite the fact that referring back to some old era isn't exactly a coup for this mid-eighties era Who story, the line that most fascinates me is from Paul Darrow's actually splendidly performed Tekker: "The legends I've heard about the great Doctor... all powerful... you're about as powerful as a burned out android!". Is that just a hint of discomfort in the Doctors face there? Well, no, he doesn't flinch, but he might well be harbouring just a pang of self-doubt after this stinging put-down. In all the years that the Time Lord has spent sorting out planets in peril before leaving them behind, rarely has he had to cope with the consequences of his actions. I don't mean in the sense of what happens to the planet, but in the towering legend that he leaves behind. Behind every myth and hero is a fallible, pondering man. And what happens when the hero does return and is no more worthy of his legacy than those now expecting him to save them?

Alas, "Timelash" descends into such chaos that I'm going to have to talk about that instead. There's the dreadful double ending - the villain simply turning up again claiming to have cloned himself is unacceptable beyond belief! - and someone really should have been shot for the abuse of Peri here. Did no-one, be it script editor or actress, think to object? But the fact that in addition to our cheating additional denouement there is a whopping great scene of padding inserted slap-bang in the middle of the Bandril rocket sequence makes me wonder if the script of Part 2 was only about ten minutes long to start with. If ONLY they'd bothered to make everyone's hair look slightly the same they might have gotten away with it too.

"Timelash" is a shambles.