P to tha Bal: 24/7!

This is week number three, and in Spice terms I can get a little bit complacent, do no promotion and still expect a good return. Or a huge flop… Fingers crossed anyway!

SHOWBIZ NEWS!

THE CRAZY WORLD OF BRITNEY SPEARS

Far more out there than any soap opera is the life of Miss Britney Spears, a lady who whilst looking like Debbie Gibson, has none of the eighties clothing. Miss Spears went dog picking this week, the end result of which was her mother running over a paparazzo’s foot and a lengthy interview with the police. Note the non-capitals, I’m not talking fellow celeb oddball Sting. Anyway, Britters (as she’s known) went all teary and screamy, which was captured on camera for the on looking world to mock wholeheartedly. Rumours also began to circulate that she was ready to get married for the second time this year, perhaps only in a spiteful attempt to keep up with J-Lo. Almost as a side issue, her single went to number one in the UK, but who cares about the music, eh?

ONGOING SPICE

Some shameless and tacky celeb guttersnipes apparently reported last week that that lovely and talented Miss Melanie Chisholm (she of two top five albums and countless hit singles) was blocking a Spice Girls reunion. Broken Spice cleared up the rumours on her official website by saying that her gigs had all sold out and that she’d never been approached for a Spice reunion. Of course this was joyously embraced as the truth, because Broken Spice wouldn’t just say that to stop her Spice Girls fan base vetoing her solo projects…

No laughing at the back, but Gerald Halliwell, Stalker Spice, has not only had an operation on her throat, but also recruited a top singing coach to, well teach her to sing. Old Ma Halliwell is gearing up for a comeback later this year, according to leaked memos, with the desire to be the “new Kylie”. Methinks she should get out the dungarees and head to Ramsay Street if that’s the case. Elsewhere, Bo Selecta! Spice premiered her new sitcom with Patsy Kensit on Channel 4 called The Odd Couple, Employed Spice was announced as a guest at the Olympic torch concert in London, and Dame Victoria Beckham looked very glamorous during the England Euro 2004 matches. Victoria was expecting David to make an announcement over the loud speaker system because he’d told her liked to come over the PA at the end of a match…

WHO’S THE DADDY?

Another week, another poll, and my favourite this week is the meaningless old baloney that is Celebrity Dad Of The Year. Last year’s winner Munt-faced McFadden has since gone on to become less famous than his pramface wife, leave his chart-topping band, and pen Ireland’s least successful Eurovision song ever. So fingers crossed that equal success awaits this year’s triumphant pa’s Jono “I have no neck” Coleman and Tommy “I’m dull and sweaty” Walsh. I think the trades descriptions people will be hot onto this for the use of the word “celebrity”. The dull pair did have some rubbish to say on winning the award, but sadly it wasn’t anything to do with retiring. The other top names on the list included Gordon “f*** let’s swear some more” Ramsey, Tony “I let my kid get p***ed” Blair, Jamie “lisp-a-lot” Oliver and Eamon “GMTV evil creature” Holmes. Say no more.

JUST A LITTLE BIT HOMOPHOBIC?

The hard faced female from Liberty X, Michelle (also known for sleeping with 1SL, though probably not Lisa), has been in trouble this week, after comments about Corrie’s gay kiss. Although it’s been weeks, Miche has been much troubled and was quoted as saying that it wasn’t suitable for pre-watershed screening. Unlike when she wears a PVC catsuit and rubs up and down a large staff with her tats hanging loose. Anyway, the pink pound was quickly withdrawn from the Liberty X bank account as they were dropped from a large pride concert in London. Michelle has apologised profusely, saying she’s been misunderstood and even has some gay friends. Yup, you heard it here first. Or second, depending on what else you’ve read this week.

ESTHER - THE MULTI-MILLIONAIRESS SINGER!

Sadly, I don’t mean Rantsen, but Maradonna Ritchie, the footballer turned singer. Apparently Mrs Ritchie has renamed herself Esther because her mother’s name was Madonna and she needed a new name to get away from the energy that was drained from sharing the name. Or something. Anyway, Mrs Ritchie didn’t pick Esther as a tribute to the That’s Life goofy-toothed polyester monster, but because it is ancient Hebrew. Unlike Miss Rantsen, who is just ancient. Sad, but true. Maradonnaestherritchie also won a court case against ramblers using a pathway across her estate in Wiltshire. She’ll rue the day she upset the thermos clasping, big socked retired sweaty mac-clad crusties who like that kind of thing. You mark my words. We shall be avenged!

Those were the stories, but who’s hot and who’s not?

HOT OR NOT!

HOT:

LAILA ROUASS - Amber from top notch TV glamdram Footballers’ Wives, Laila has been offered two record deals by Sony and EMI, and also looks set to appear in The Sopranos. Why the offers haven’t been given to Dame Zoe Lucker escapes me.

NOT:

TARA PALMER-THOMPKINSON

Yup, two weeks hot, now she’s not after scoring the lowest ever number of points in Mastermind. For the record, that’s just six. Her shame was shared with Arabella Weir, who also hit a less than magical six. Don’t give up the day job Tara. When you find out what it is…

HOT:

SHARON OSBOURNE

Her husband may now resemble a walking member of the living dead, but this manipulative shrew was voted “most important person in rock” by grim rock read Kerrang!, just pushing Satan himself into second place. I mean the actual horned beast. Not just a nasty description of someone like Tom Cruise.

NOT:

DAVID BOWIE

Dave got smacked in the eye by a flying lollipop during a gig in Norway, to which he (quite possibly inaccurately) branded the fan a “b*****d”, and halted the concert after only twenty minutes. A female fan admitted she’d accidentally let it go during her dancing. It’s not ours to guess the state of her pelvic floor.

HOT

CHRISTINA AGUILERA

She may be the dirrtiest popstrel around, but Aggy has been recruited to open the Harrods sale next week for a fee of £100,000 and hour. Her two hour visit will include a strenuous breakfast, ribbon cutting and tour of the sale. Apparently, a view of her piercing and mud wrestling are extra.

As a result of my recommendation last week, Miss Britney Spears is sitting pretty at the top of the UK charts, so I’m gonna wave my magic wand again!

THE RECOMMENDED BIT!

SINGLE OF THE WEEK

PHIXX - “Wild Boys”

Yup, it’s a cover, but it’s a good one and these lads do need your support, if only to keep them from doing less constructive things. Like getting Girls Aloud pregnant. Or stealing from libraries.

RETRO TREAT OF THE WEEK

STEPS - “Deeper Shade Of Blue”

Tina Cousins may have got there first, but this is still the best Steps song by miles, complete with fish dance, so put it on and pump up the bassline!

Well that has been the week in showbiz, I’ve been P-Bal, and if you can’t be good, be careful.