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Wow! I made it to a second week! As Spiceworld was to Spice, this is more of the same, but probably better. SHOWBIZ NEWS! VIVA NOT REALLY FOREVER Talking of Spiceworld, another week, another Spice Girls reunion rumour rolling into town. Simon Fuller, the dark force behind much bubble gum pop, is eager to get the girls named Spice together for a November concert and greatest hits album. However, Broken Spice (Melanie C) has said no on the basis that she still dislikes Fuller and is determined to have a successful solo career by hook or by crook. The £2.99 status of her album in most supermarkets hasn‘t quite hit home yet. These rumours come up on a weekly basis, sometimes daily. Sometimes even on the hour. Perhaps it’s indicative of there not being much to report from the biz named show. Ahem.
STRESSFUL AMERICAN LIFE Poor old Mrs Ritchie has been having a troublesome time this week. Fainting, cancelling concerts, calling Britney up for girlie love (on stage of course) and then Mr Madonna has been laying his claws into celeb religion Kabbalah. OK, it’s not a celeb religion. But it is very popular with the rich and the famous. Maybe even Su Pollard does it between pantos. Mr Madonna apparently claimed they only wanted his gap-toothed raven-haired ethereal electro singing blood-sport participating wife as part of their sect because she is rich. The key to spotting these Kabbalah sorts is a bit of red cotton tied around the wrist. Look out for the bit in Britney’s new video where she’s in the bath and… Well I suppose most of you have already.
HOW YOU DOIN’? Friends is barely cold in it’s smart late twenties/early thirties fast paced witty one liner comedy grave, and work has already begun on spin-off Joey, starring Matt LeBlanc. US transmittion is likely to take place this autumn on NBC, filling the slot vacated by its parent show. Test audiences, who are kept in TV rooms much like battery hens, albeit with hotdogs and coke, have apparently reacted favourably. Some have begged to see The Brighton Belles again. But they might just be delirious. Or hungry for Jean Boht. Joey will be based around Mr Tribbiani’s attempts to launch an acting career in LA, with the other central characters being his sister and nephew. But will it be as funny as Terry And June, we all ask?
BRITAIN’S BEST BLOOM As ever, in any given week, there will be at least seven awards ceremonies in celebsville and a good forty or fifty polls. Who votes in these awards and takes part in the polls is a mystery which even sex siren Miss Marple wouldn’t be able to solve. This week Sky Movies announced Britain’s Sexiest Actors, much to the excitement of… Umm. Well possibly Orlando "Permanently Vacant Expression" Bloom because he came top of the pile. Sean "Eh-up Achilles, let’s ‘ave us teas and Fray Bentos pies before we take Troy" Bean was the unlikely runner-up, followed by Hugh "Gosh I only play one type of role now" Grant (3rd), Ewan "Is there anybody who hasn’t seen my willy?" McGregor (4th) and Jude "I’m not actually a six stone twelve year old" Law (5th). Coronation Street’s John Savident was apparently left off the list, which has come as shock to many fans of the top totty. I say, it’s come as a shock to many fans of the top totty. Perhaps it’s because he doesn’t do films. I can’t think of any other reasons for this shameless oversight.
RACIST 69ER Crazy animal botherer and ageing sex symbol Brigitte Bardot (an amusingly aged 69) was convicted this week of inciting racial hatred. The wrinkled protester claimed she meant no offence to Muslims in her book, which apparently dubbed them "invaders, cruel and barbaric". Bardot and her publishers were each fined £3,000, or whatever the equivalent is in Euros, by a Parisian court. Brigitte wasn’t present for the verdict, and reports that she was throwing stones at people with learning difficulties couldn’t be confirmed.
Those were the stories, but who’s hot and who’s not?
HOT OR NOT! HOT: TARA PALMER-THOMPKINSON - Yes again! Rent-a-posh Tara has been confirmed as a contestant for a new edition of Celebrity Mastermind and is ready to wow the world, or viewers of BBC2, with her knowledge. Alongside EastEnders "star" Adam "Ratface" Woodyatt. TPT’s specialist subject will be the equally waistline challenged Audrey Hepburn. NOT: EDWINA CURRIE Edwina annoyed the nation (or at least the four people who watched it all) on TV trash Hell’s Kitchen. Gordan "F***ing Hell" Ramsay branded her a "pain in the arse" and a "pathetic old bag" when interviewed by Jonathan Ross. But then, who didn’t know that? It’s like calling Jordan a tramp. Sorry to any tramps out there… HOT: GARY BARLOW Sir Gary of Barlow, aside from penning sweet ditties for the likes of Delta Goodrem and Blue, has been muchos in the celeb tittle tattle recently. Producers are keen to sign him up for the next series of career rejuvenator I’m A Celebrity! Get Me Out Of Here! There is also a lot of talk of a Take That reunion at Christmas coming from former manager Nigel Martin-Smith. BMG are apparently releasing a remastered back catalogue and live DVD for which the group would reunite for promotion. Apart from Robbie. But then they could always get Jonathan Wilkes or something if they were hard up. NOT: NICOLE KIDMAN The Hollywood rumour mill says that New Line Cinema want to scrap Nicole "claw feet" Kidman’s latest film Birth. One scene where she gets into a bath and kisses a ten year old boy has been singled out as being in particular bad taste. With a budget of $50 million, you’ve thought someone would’ve read the script first maybe? HOT GRANNY ZETA JONES Catherine "Oggy! Oggy! Oggy!" Zeta Jones Douglas Budsofmay has been revealing what she bought her rellies for Christmas. No mention of a June Whitfield endorsed stair lift or life insurance policy (with free alarm clock to count down your last hours) for her crusty husband, but CZJ has shown her concern for the old by buying her gran new knees. Catherine’s gran, Zeta (yup, that’s where the name comes from, not Star Trek or something), is now "like a whippet". She means fast. Not a dog.
As I’m sure you all rushed out last week to help push Ruslana into the UK top fifty (note, not top five) and raided your local charity stores for Billie, I’m back with more recommendations!
THE RECOMMENDED BIT! SINGLE OF THE WEEK BRITNEY SPEARS - "Everytime" She’s been breaking bones and things this week recording the video for the follow-up Outrageous, which will hopefully be more coherent then the Trauma-influenced promo for this song. The track is a sweet ballad, until you buy the single and then you get the arms in the air bumpety bump bump bump remixes. RETRO TREAT OF THE WEEK JENNIFER LOPEZ - "Waiting For Tonight" She’s going for Liz Taylor’s marriage record, but she also sings great pop choons, like this corker. It’s very summery, and proper dancey, especially the Hex Hector mix. Well that has been the week in showbiz, I’ve been P-Bal, and if you can’t be good, be careful.
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P to tha Bal: 24/7!