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This is the first P-Bal showbiz column, and if it’s as well received as an album by Holly Valance, then it could be the last. But this is my slightly rambling, but highly informative guide to the world of celebrity this week! SHOWBIZ NEWS! MY WEDDING DIDN’T COST A THING Top story of the week in the world of celeb is that Jennifer Lopez, the Ross Geller of the music world, married for the third time to the poor man’s Ricky Martin, Latino singer Marc Anthony. Not that I think marriage to Senor Martin is that achievable for lady sorts. Anyway, old romancer Anthony (not he of Rome, note) renewed his marriage vows to his ex-last year but jetted in to finalise the divorce last week. The mind boggles at the scenes in the Anthony household when Jenny phoned to say she’d done with Benjamin Affleck, but I’m guessing Anthony’s wife Cleopatra was not filled with joy at the news. Anyway, as befits her status, Jenny looked gorgeramous at her intimate (i.e. small and press-free) wedding, even if her husband looks like a reject from Van Helsing. The couple have already dueted together on the (non-UK) single No Me Ames back on her first album On The 6 in 1999, so the world waits with anticipation for the follow-up. Tina Arena, who dueted with Anthony on The Mask Of Zorro theme, had the good sense not to marry him. Am I being nasty and superficial? Yes, but this is Hollywood folks! Anyway, were Friends still running, Three Divorces Guy might finally have found Three Divorces Girl! WOULDN’T IT BE LUVERLY TO WIN AN AWARD? Everyone loves a good awards ceremony, and this week the fourth (or maybe even fifth) most prestigious film awards took place. LA was ablaze with A-list stars for the MTV Movie Awards where Uma Thurman, Lucy Liu and Johnny Depp were all given something shiny for the mantelpiece, along with the obligatory Best Lord Of The Rings Film award for The Return Of The King. However, much more thrillingly, Dame Martine McCutcheon, she of many talents, picked up the award for "Transatlantic Breakthrough" for her part in Love Actually as Tiffany Mitchell. Which does make her decision to return to music seem slightly ill-timed. But she is a sweetheart and I’m wishing her well! STILL SPICING UP YOUR LIFE Even though they haven’t recorded anything together for nearly fifty years, the Spice Girls still command a vast amount of column inches, for the most trivial of things. Top story of the week was that Melanie B (Bo Selecta! Spice) and Gerald Halliwell (George Michael Stalker Spice) passed each other in an LA department store and said hello. That is where the story ends, amazingly. A real story would have been a proper north/south bust-up with the Leeds lass planting a right hook on the Watford softy. What a difference a bottle of Vladivar makes. Elsewhere on Spiceworld, Lady Victoria Beckham (Still Posh Spice) has decided to design shoes, rather than make music apparently. If nothing else, she will never have to go barefoot. She is also going to release some beauty creams to help ugly old rich women. Melanie C (Broken Spice) mumbled about demoing more tracks, whilst the artist formerly known as Emma Bunton, Emma (Employed Spice), was the only one with a visible career, scoring a number fifteen hit with the bonkers summer treat Crickets Sing For Anamaria, the fourth single from her album. HELL’S TV Hell’s Kitchen rivalled Big Brother in the what-you-shouldn’t-watch-but-if-you-do-disapprove title. Jennifer Ellison, the pramface underworld moll who was once in Brookside and released a poorly received cover of Baby I Don’t Care, pipped Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! star James Dreyfus to win the show. Which will look a treat on her CV when she applies to Burger King. Comments on Big Brother will not follow, as such debates have been strictly vetoed by Big Vervoid. THE HARDER I CRAWL Any fans of late eighties cheese-pop will remember with a knowing smile boy band Brother Beyond, whose biggest hit was the SAW produced The Harder I Try. Nathan Moore, the former lead singer, was fined for curb crawling this week, despite his friend’s insistence to the papers that Nate was as gay as the day is long. But then again, long car journeys can induce boredom, and some women can look overly masculine. Susannah York, for instance. Apparently he pleaded guilty just to get the whole thing over with, with the minimum of media intrusion. Anyway, Nate was fined £300 (including costs) which might hit him harder than you think considering he manages James "Dull" Fox and strip troop Phixx. OK, that’s enough of that kinda stuff, the biggest thing y’all wanna know is: who’s hot and who’s not in the world of celeb this week! HOT OR NOT! HOT: TARA PALMER-THOMPKINSON - the barmy, crisp vending posh girl has been wowing TV bosses in America, who clearly didn’t see any of her cringe worthy I’m A Celebrity! presenting turns. US TV bosses, who also have a strange fetish for Fergie, are said to be keen to snap her up to present a showbiz gossip slot. NOT: JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE & CAMERON DIAZ The helium voiced ex-Britney tupper and Mrs Shrek have ended their frankly unlikely relationship this week, with Cammy deciding that her career was too important to concentrate on a relationship. Or something equally pseudo Trisha. Cammy was also apparently less than overjoyed at Just-in and Antonio Banderas holding hands and crying at the premiere of Shrek 2. HOT: LOUISE & JAMIE REDKNAPP Louise and Jamie have found out that she is expecting a baby boy, but is hoping it doesn’t arrive whilst her hubbie is talking bobbins over the Euro 2004 matches in Portugal. Louise has indicate that baby Redknapp will be pushed into the football arena, rather than following her "illustrious" music career, which will be continued with a new single and album this autumn. NOT: AMANDA HOLDEN Poor ticket sales have forced her musical Thoroughly Modern Millie to close early, despite glowing reviews. The blame is being laid squarely at the ex Mrs Family Fortunes as a result of her taking too much time off for (variously) holidays, illness and "it’s grim up’t north TV drama" Cutting It. HOT BARBRA STREISAND The beaky-nosed goddess of film and music showed off her charitable side by flogging off some of her personal treasures this week in aid of the scarily named Streisand Foundation which helps a number of causes, including AIDS research. Perhaps the strangest lot was Babs’ customised 1986 Ford mobile home van. Sadly, horn and Pot Noodle were not included. Enough of the celeb cattle! I’ve decided to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony, so each week (possibly) I shall recommend a single of the week and a retro treat of the week!
THE RECOMMENDED BIT! SINGLE OF THE WEEK RUSLANA - "Wild Dances" It won Eurovision, it’s Ukrainian, it’s bonkers, dancetastic, she looks like Catherine Zeta Jones, dresses like Xena Warrior Princess and screams "Just maybe I’m crazy!" with sheer madness. What’s not to like? RETRO TREAT OF THE WEEK BILLIE PIPER - "Day And Night" It’s fast, funky and she’s the new Nicola Bryant. Sort of. Anyway, if she doesn’t impress you in the new Who, you can take heart that she sang this pop nugget. Well that has been the week in showbiz, I’ve been P-Bal, and if you can’t be good, be careful.
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P to tha Bal: 24/7!