The Ultimate P-Bal Guide To EUROVISION 2004

Part Three

The Netherlands
RE-UNION - WITHOUT YOU
Pete Waterman will be loving this male vocal harmony group, but he’ll be in a minority. It’s a souless affair, which (despite only being three minutes long) seems to go on forever. Fingers crossed, the monitors will fail and they’ll do all their harmonies off key. At least that’ll be entertaining. Any mention of Jemini here would be cruel, and I will actually cry. Cry baby. Lied to me baby…

Norway
KNUT ANDERS SOREM - HIGH
They did well last year with an ugly bloke singing a ballad, and have thus kept the formula for another year. Their “very good neighbours” Sweden will give it twelve, and I have to confess that, to quote Lord High Wogan I have a “sneaking regard” for this one. It’s got a good bass, big key changes, almost lighter-raised feel. It’s handicapped from being on third, but then again, so last year’s winner was on fourth. So perhaps it isn’t a handicap afterall. Never mind.

Poland
BLUE CAFÉ - LOVE SONG
It’s not the greatest song, and this is not helped by the lead vocal being very strange indeed. It sounds a little bit like Lene from Aqua’s Barbie voice, but an octave or so lower. It’s repetitive and no fun, but is much favoured by Eurovision fans who favour such things. It’s no winner though, I’ll stake my Welsh flag on it!

Portugal
SOFIA VICTORIA - FOI MAGIA
Sofia is a stunning looking woman, almost Corrs-esque, but sadly the “magical time” is limited to her appearance and not the song. This is in the semi-final, and as Portugal has no geographical allies and the song is dull, it seems unlikely that it will make it into the final. Unless she gets the eye-candy vote. Revealing tops and short skirts always pay dividends at Eurovision. Unless you’re Gina G, in which case flashing your knickers is a step too far.

Romania
SANDA - I ADMIT
Have you ever been in the pub and decided it would be great to form a band and write a song or two? In Romania, this appears to be called the “Eurovision Selection Process”. They put a lot of effort in last year, and were convinced of victory, which wasn’t delivered. This year’s song is Eurovision by numbers from six people found in the local pub. They’re automatically in the final, but they won’t get any big scores this year.

Russia
JULIA SAVICHEVA - BELIEVE ME
Last year Russia were the favourites thanks to the faux-Lesbian antics of tATu, the results of which divided Europe. Apparently, a male version of tATu was lined up, but they split (no pun intended) leaving Russia with Julia, a sweet looking girl with a pleasant enough sounding mid-tempo number. Unfortunately, it’s nothing special, and without the publicity clout of tAT and Tu, Russia might see a slightly less high-flying performance this year.

Serbia and Montenegro
ZELJKO JOKISIMOVIC & AD HOC ORCHESTRA - LANE MOJE
This is one of my top tips for Eurovictory! It’s got a great mystical vibe, much loved by the audience of Eurovision, and costumes straight from Lord Of The Rings. Belgium were just pipped with a similar act last year, so expect the votes to roll in for this. Top five at least!

Slovenia
PLATIN - STAY FOREVER
Platin are a male/female duo, although it has to be said that the woman has a very strong jaw line. I could, if I were a cruel sort of chap, speculate as to whether the woman has any hidden surprises, but I’m not. But watch out! Her voice sounds like a mixture of Ronan Keating and Mariah Carey, which is not a mix made in heaven. It’s inoffensive pop which will be saved by geographical voting I suspect.

Spain
RAMON - PARA LLENARME DE TI
Ramon benefits from being one of the better looking chaps in the contest (as long as you don’t look too closely) and the song is written by Kike Santander who’s written for the likes of Jennifer Lopez and Gloria Estefan. So you can guess the style. It’s very Spanish, not to put too fine a point on it, but nowhere near as last year’s “Dime”. It’ll probably get lost in the pack, so no top ten this year. The translation of the title, “To Be Filled By You”, is noteworthy though. Put your own Carry On joke in here…

Sweden
LENA PHILIPSSON - IT HURTS
Forget the UK and Ireland, the new Eurovision royalty, Sweden, are the second favourites to clinch victory on the thirtieth anniversary of ABBA’s win. Last year’s song was miles better, but that’s beside the point. Lena is just a year off the big four-o, but thanks to a good healthy lifestyle and a dose or two of botox (possibly) it doesn’t show. The song itself has a pounding beat, repetitive chorus, big vocal (the Swedish always pick strong vocalists), key change, big ending, and it’s last on. Combine that with the Baltic Massif voting, and it can’t fail. But it probably will, because this is Eurovision. Top five at least, all the same.

Switzerland
PIERO & THE MUSIC STARS - CELEBRATE!
It sounds a little bit like the Estonian winner from a couple of years ago, quite possibly intentionally. It’s middle-of-the-road, very standard, “everybody just love one another” fodder for which Eurovision is so well known, but there’s no X factor to quote Mr Cowell to push it on. I shouldn’t imagine it’ll be top, but it won’t be bottom either. Plus the bright lights and day-glo costumes which will inevitably accompany their performance should wake up any Eurosnoozers!

Turkey
ATHENA - FOR REAL
As the host nation, you’d expect something special, and you’d be mistaken. They clearly don’t want the expense of hosting the contest two years in a row, so they’ve got two YT chappies in parka’s and fleece hats to howl to a quite comical backing. It’s a mess, and it’s rubbish. The audience will love it, which is obvious because there will be a lot of Turkish people there. But don’t expect the votes to come pouring in.

Ukraine
RUSLANA - WILD DANCE
The lady singing this has the air of an eighties Diana Ross, though hopefully none of the fighting, spiting or drinking habits. Ukraine came second at Junior Eurovision this year, and this has a lot of energy which, with a good performance on the night, could be enough to pull in the votes. Definitely one to keep an eye on.

United Kingdom
JAMES FOX - HOLD ONTO OUR LOVE
Yay!!!! Tis the home boy, Mr Cariad, James Fox!!! Unless of course you’re Swedish or something. Anyway, Fantastic Mr Fox has one of the best songs in the contest, honestly! But of course, this is Eurovision, so the song isn’t the most important thing (!), but provided Mr Blair doesn’t go to war in the next week or so, this should pick up a few votes. He’s got a whoppingly huge forehead, so lookout for a fringe disguise. If it doesn’t finish top ten, I’ll cry a thousand tears. That’s one thousand less than I cried last year. If I was a residing at Fawlty Towers, the line would be “Don’t mention Jemini!”.


So there we go! Is anyone still alive out there? Of course you are! It’s Eurovision, and everyone loves Eurovision really. As you can tell I both know and don’t know who the winner will be. Eurovision is the Grand National of music, so in truth it’s anybody’s contest!

Roll on Eurovision!