The Ultimate P-Bal Guide To EUROVISION 2004

Part Two

Estonia
NEIOKOSO - TII
They’ve taken the Celtic costume, tabor banging route this year, which should serve them well. It’s awful old rubbish of course that goes nowhere, but being one of the Baltic Massif assures them of a shed load of points, which is a shame as it’s really not worthy.

Finland
JARI SILLANPAA - TAKES 2 TANGO
This is comically bad! I hope there are some humorous costumes to join the unintentionally bad chanson, which could see it pick up the Eurofreak vote like Austria did last year. Jari is currently trying to lose weight before the contest, in a kind of Eurovision Fit Club way. So if he looks like a porker on the night, you’ll know he’s failed!

France
JONATAN CARRADA - A CHAQUE PAS
Jonatan is the French Will Young, and by this I don’t mean a lisping stylistically-challenged crooner with a nice smile, I mean he’s the winner of the their equivalent of Pop Idol. Having entered big orchestrated ballads for the last forty-odd years, France have decided this year’s entry should be… A big orchestrated ballad! It’s not bad, and Jony-boy will give a good performance, so expect it to leech the lower votes (such is the fodder of the French songs) to push it into the top ten. He’s got hair like Tintin as well.

Germany
MAX - CAN’T WAIT UNTIL TONIGHT
Unlike their usual uber-camp disco offerings, this is a slow, jazz-lite piece which Jamie “Alien Head” Cullem would be prouder than Proudly McProud of. It’ll get the middle age vote (and the Austrian vote of course) which should be enough to let it finish top ten. Germany’s 1982 victor Nicole has given it the thumbs down, saying it hasn’t got a hope in hell. It’s always nice to get the support of the home crowd I think.

Greece
SAKIS ROUVAS - SHAKE IT
Greece don’t usually do all that well, except for their twelve points from Cyprus. This year however, they are the bookies’ favourite to take Eurovision victory. It reminds me of Shirley Valentine a little bit. Not a middle-aged housewife who runs away and talks to rocks. Well, not really. It’s just got a very sunkist Greek vibe. They invented the wheel you know. Man’s greatest ever invention. I hate that Sharon-Louise one, she’s a mare. I am not eating chips and friggin’ egg. Oh, yes the song should do well, but I’m hoping it’s no winner.

Iceland
JONSI - HEAVEN
Jonsi is a very sturdy-looking chap, and this is another “heartfelt” ballad, which could have been written by Andrew Llyod-Webber. In truth, you almost expect him to break into “Come What May” halfway through. I know that’s not Llyod-Webber, but you get what I mean. Expect a strong, if strained, vocal, but beyond that it’s a bit of a snore fest, and a non-worthy follow-up to last year’s Birgitta.

Ireland
CHRIS DORAN - IF MY WORLD STOPPED TURNING
Having said that Austria was sub-Westlife, this song (already number one in Ireland) is proper sub-Westlife, written as it is by Bryan “Ex-Piggy Westlife” McFadden and Jonathan Shorten (who usually writes with Gabrielle). I’m not actually sure if it’s possible to get any further into the middle-of-the-road. From Chris’s vantage point, the road has no sides. But everyone loves the Irish, so expect votes aplenty, but I think had this got a female vocalist, it would be a sure-fire winner.

Israel
DAVID D’OR - TO BELIEVE
This is sung in English, believe it or not, such is the quality of the vocal. One has the suspicion he’d like to be Darren Hayes, but is in truth more Darren Day. Dana International (who gave them their last victory in 1998) has said she wants to do Eurovision again, so I’d do a last minute swap and put in a disco beat! Go and make a cup of tea when this is on, you’ll miss nowt!

Latvia
FOMINS & KLEINS - DZIESMA PAR LAIMI
Latvian soft-rock at its best, I’m sure you’ll agree! They’re neither easy on eye or on the ear, so they won’t go big in the hall, or around Europe. Perhaps if the song was in English, it might pick up a few votes, but it’s rubbish, plain and simple. I’d hazard a guess that, unless there’s some very suspicious geographical voting from the Baltic Massif, this will fall at the first fence, so to speak.

Lithuania
LINAS & SIMONA - WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR LOVE
Or “what happened to your song?”. Linas & Simona are an odd-looking duo, with a song which is a mismatched mess-up of styles that doesn’t really work. I’d like to see this eliminated in the semi-final. But then I’m an old meanie pants. Sad, but true.

Macedonia
TOSE PROESKI - LIFE
Having been campaigning not to be The Former Yugoslave Republic Of Macedonia, the much more handily named Macedonia deliver a good enough song, with a slight Eastern flavour. Tose looks a bit like the bloke in Family Affairs, but only slightly, so there’s unlikely to be much confusion. Not that Family Affairs is shown in Macedonia. I don’t think it’ll finish top ten, but then what do I know?

Malta
JULIE & LUDWIG - ON AGAIN… OFF AGAIN
This is my favourite of all thirty-six songs this year! Imagine Bryn Terfel dueting with Emma Bunton and you’re halfway there. Add in a slightly stilted delivery and you’re even closer. It’s written by the same team who wrote one my favourites, “Seventh Wonder” for Ira Losco, which was the runner-up in 2002. I don’t see it winning, but it will go big in the hall. Look out for the bit where the duo swap over and Julie decides she’ll do the opera bits instead. Malta always put a lot of effort into choosing their song, so it would be nice to see them clench victory. If this doesn’t make you smile, then you‘ve got a heart of stone!

Monaco
MARYON - NOTRE PLANETE
Imagine a typical French Eurovision song - big ballad, slightly dull. Add on a terrible tinny dance baseline and you’ve got the choice of the residents of Monaco. Maryon herself is actually a good looking gal, a sort of Avril Lavigne meets Katie Melua, but pretty. Sadly, even though Monaco are returning Eurovision royalty, this song won’t do the business for them. I’ll stake my shiny Union Jack hat on it! Planete, is planet with an ‘e’ on the end, dontchu know!

 

To be continued!!