The Ultimate P-Bal Guide To
EUROVISION 2004
Saturday, May 15th at 8.00pm, there is only one place I will be… Watching
Eurovision! I adore the contest, the quirky performances, odd songs and
political voting, well not the political voting, but hey. Anyway, should
Lord High Wogan, the first God of Eurovision not be guide enough for you,
I have compiled an exploration of this year’s entrants, all THIRTY-SIX of
them. Having sat through all thirty-six, I can see why Lord High Wogan is
forced into boozing by song seven. Bailey’s is his tipple of choice
apparently. He’s more Irish than Ireland that man.
The following doesn’t take fully into account the very variable factor of
the performance on the night, where songs can change language (Bosnia &
Herzegovina last year) or the vocals can be awful (Jemini last year), or
Tony Blair going to war (Jemini last year, again!). However, it is much
harder to pick out the winner than you might think, such is the quirky
voting of the people of Europe, Lord High Wogan says that in thirty years
he’s never picked out a winner! But I hope you find the guide of use, and
keep your fingers crossed for Royaume-Uni, because it breaks my heart when
we do badly!!!
This year, for the first time, with thirty-six countries wanting to take
part (honestly!), the decision was taken to have two contests. The final
will take place on 15th May (8.00pm BBC1) and will include the four
countries who pay the most to the EBU to stage the event (France, Germany,
Spain and, thank the lord, United Kingdom) plus the ten highest scoring
countries from last year. A further ten countries will join these
fourteen, depending on the result of the semi-final which takes place on
Wednesday 12th May (8.00pm BBC3). The semi-final will run just like the
final, with the ten highest scoring countries going on to Saturday’s
final. Apparently, the ten successful countries will be revealed from
envelopes, not in points order, so as not to point to the favourite, if
you see my jist?
Right, after that rather prolonged intro, here are the contestants, in
alphabetical order. Those countries who have automatically qualified for
the final are marked (F).
Albania
ANJEZA SHAHINI - THE IMAGE OF YOU
The Albanian girl has both the look and vocal style of Eartha Kitt at her
most cattiest! Sadly, the lack of range to her voice makes the song a bit
of a struggle. As a newbie to the contest, this has to go through the
qualification round, so I’d say it’s fifty-fifty as to whether her
(strange) looks are enough to sway the vote to put her through to the
final. It’s certainly no winner!
Andorra
MARTA ROURE - JUGAREM A ESTIMAR-NOS
This is also the first time that Andorra have taken part in Eurovision,
and it’s very sub-standard stuff sung by a lady with a strange bemused
expression moulded onto her face. Don’t expect this to get beyond the
qualifying round!
Austria
TIE BREAK - DU BIST
One of the minority of songs to not be sung in English, Tie Break are an
Austrian boy band, kind of a Westlife but with only three members. It
probably would’ve benefited from being sung in English. The Germans will
love it, so expect the Berlin jury to give it ten or twelve. Perhaps they
should have got Point Break back together. There were three blokes in that
group as well. Though I doubt if any of Tie Break have been in Byker
Grove.
Belarus
ALEXANDRA & KONSTANTIN - MY GALILEO
It’s got panpipes a plenty, which is always the mark of a good Eurovision
song, though there is the expectation that Celine will sing and the
Titanic will sink. Belarus are Eurovision virgins and this will not bring
them victory, but it should pick up a fair few points I think. The lady
vocalist certainly has a “unique” style. Not the inverted commas, they’re
very important there.
Belgium
XANDEE - 1 LIFE
To quote Lord High Wogan “This’ll go big in the hall.” She’s an ex-porn
star, so expect more than a hint of norks and growler to be on display,
though probably less growler because it is a family show. This has a sort
of sub-Gina G dance vibe, and is second favourite with the bookmakers to
win. However, knowing the puritanical voting of some countries and also
not expecting a dynamic vocal performance from the uniquely named Xandee,
I’d say she’ll finish top ten, but not in pole position.
Bosnia and Herzegovina
DEEN - IN THE DISCO
Deen has more than a passing resemblance of a gay porn star, from what
I’ve heard they look like. His song is a camp disco stomper, a bit like
Lou’s “Let’s Get Happy” from last year. There’ll be flashing lights and
tacky dancing aplenty for this performance, so I’d put it as an outside
bet - it’ll finish around eleventh I should imagine, if only because of
the geographical voting. Deen is apparently a huge star in his home
country, but then they always say that. And I shouldn’t imagine it takes
much to be huge in a country the size of a thimble.
Croatia
IVAN MIKULIC - YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE
A dull ballad which, again due to geography, should get points, but
probably not all that many. To be a really good Eurovision ballad, you
need a dynamic vocal performance and a proper big orchestral backing. This
doesn’t really have either. It has a sub-musical feel which is no
compliment. Also, the way he sings it, I have visions of him crying at the
end. And most of the audience too. But for different reasons.
Cyprus
LISA ANDREAS - STRONGER EVERY MINUTE
Lisa actually lives in the Royaume-Uni, but thanks to her parentage, and I
suppose her singing talent, she is the Cypriot entry this year. She’s got
an inoffensive voice, and the song is very middle-of-the-road (a group of
words you will see me utter many times in this guide). There really is so
little to say about it - if it does make it through to the final, it’ll be
languishing near the bottom of the pack. Until Greece give it twelve
points, of course!
Denmark
TOMAS THORDARSON - SHAME ON YOU
This sounds like it should be on a car advert, which is either a
compliment or not. It’s a sparky affair with a latino flavour and a bouncy
bass, which means that it should do well. You’ll be sceptical when it
starts, but I guarantee thrity seconds in you’ll be loving it! I’d love to
see it win, not least because I fancy a holiday to Denmark. At least
Iceland will give it twelve points.
To be continued!!
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