The A to Z of Inspector Morse (part 3)

S

"SOMETHING WRONG WITH THE BEER, SIR?"

Julian Mitchell's one and only line in Cherubim and Seraphim. Unfortunately, Mitchell was so impressed with his own acting ability that he gave himself an even greater speaking part in Twilight Of The Gods, where he gave a diabolical performance as a Doctor.

T

TWILIGHT OF THE GODS

The final story in series seven, which for a long time was thought to be the last television episode of Inspector Morse forever. It is fortunate that it wasn't, as it is the worst story ever made.

The dialogue, written by Julian Mitchell, beggars belief. After a night listening to a female opera singer, Morse is in a staggeringly good mood when he arrives at the scene of the latest murder.

LEWIS: "His name's Grimshaw, sir. Neville Grimshaw."

MORSE: "Oh. What makes you think that?"

LEWIS: "Well, it's on his driving licence and all his credit cards."

MORSE: "How do you know they weren't stolen, Lewis? Or planted on the body by some fiendishly cunning murderer?"

(He laughs)

MORSE: "Did the pathologist say when he died"

LEWIS: "Several hours ago."

MORSE: "Several?"

LEWIS: "Before midnight, he thought."

MORSE: "The pathologist claimed to think? Still, we've got to be kind to these poor chaps, haven't we Lewis? They've got all their grisly tests to do. Just the one shot, was there?"

LEWIS: "Yes sir. There's a lady, sir."

MORSE: "AH! Cherchez la femme!"

LEWIS: "No, it's the lady who found him. She's going on holiday and wants to get off home."

MORSE: "Well, let her go Lewis, let her go. You've asked her all the relevant questions, I presume. You're not holding her on suspicion?"

LEWIS: "No, sir."

MORSE: "Then why should I add to the poor woman's stress and strain by asking her the same questions? Send her on her way, wish her a happy holiday from me."

(Morse walks over to the body, while Lewis speaks to the lady)

MORSE: "I suppose it has to be murder. It couldn't be suicide."

POLICEMAN: "No sir, no powder burns. Look."

MORSE: "Pity. Such a beautiful morning. Any sign of the gun?"

LEWIS: "No, sir."

MORSE: "Alright - better drag the river. It would be nice to enjoy the Isis now and then, instead of having to pull bodies out of it."

(They walk to Morse's car)

LEWIS: "Are you feeling job stress, sir? I was reading in the paper the other day......"

MORSE: "Allowing the pages of The Sun to pass before your eyes does not amount to reading, Lewis!"

LEWIS: "Police sergeant, it said very high risk occupation. Long hours, stress and that. "

MORSE: "What about the distress you cause Chief Inspectors?"

LEWIS: "Not enough time for family and friends, recreation, hobbies...."

MORSE: "Then you must make time, Lewis. Not for hobbies, but for art. For nature. Last night....last night, I experienced..... it's very hard to put into words, really...."

(He notices Lewis is grinning)

MORSE: "Oh, for God's sake, Lewis! Is that all you can think about? You're supposed to be a married man!"

LEWIS: "Well, you didn't go off beer because the pubs are open all day, did you?"

MORSE: "But you bring everything down to such a mundane level. You know the world is full of such possibilities."

(He switches the engine on)

LEWIS: "Where are we going?"

MORSE: "Back to your mundane world. People called Grimshaw, life without art or imagination."

The viewing public were horrified with this patronising diatribe about Morse's view of a kind of artistic bliss, something that obviously Julian Mitchell felt he needed to say. With a very dull plot, some appalling guest stars and a bland ending, Twilight Of The Gods is a travesty in every sense of the word. Press rumours before series seven began suggested that the story was to end with Morse being shot, leaving a cliff-hanger ending as to whether he was dead. Sadly, viewers realised that the series already was dead, and were glad it was being put out of its misery. Fortunately, when it returned a couple of years later, it was with a classic, The Way Through The Woods, and this abomination was thankfully forgotten.

U

"UNDRINKABLE!"

Morse's description of four cans of beer kindly bought for him by Sergeant Lewis. "This is nothing to do with beer", grunts Morse, handing them back to his stupefied colleague. Morse is very much a snob when it comes to drinking, and it is of course one of his favourite pastimes. When it is denied to him, he becomes very tetchy indeed.

MORSE: "Two pints, please."

BARMAN: "Sorry sir, I've called time."

MORSE (looking at his watch): "When?"

BARMAN: "Just now."

MORSE: "Oh come on, two pints."

BARMAN (more forcibly): "Sorry sir!"

MORSE: "There are people still drinking in here!"

In The Way Through The Woods, Lewis and Morse's relationship becomes very strained, particularly in the pub at lunchtime after Lewis, once again, has bought the drinks.

MORSE (holding his glass to the light): "It's a bit cloudy!"

LEWIS (angrily): "What? Do you want me to change it?"

MORSE: "No, no. Probably the bottom of the barrel. Do check next time."

Lewis then makes to leave, angry at Morse's insensitivity and tight-fisted behaviour. However, Morse doesn't want him to.

MORSE: "But it's your round!"

LEWIS: "THAT was my round!"

V

VICENZA

Italian city and location for The Death Of The Self, in which Morse becomes amorously involved with an opera singer. Unlike Promised Land (set in Australia), where Morse was completely out of his depth and homesick, the cultural side of Italy suits him down to the ground, while Lewis becomes bored and disenchanted, eventually taking to cavorting with a female American holidaymaker to make him feel better. A great deal of the supposedly Italian location shots were actually filmed in England after a technical error destroyed a lot of the original footage.

W

WOMEN

Despite his charming good looks, deep blue eyes and gentlemanly behaviour, Morse has always been terribly unlucky in love. Time and time again, he falls for a woman, only for her to be murdered. Other times, he thinks it is the real thing, only for the woman to be revealed as the killer he has been hunting. Here, we pay tribute to some of the likes and loves of a Chief Inspector :

ANNE STAVELY

In the very first television adventure, The Dead Of Jericho, Morse is wooing a member of his choir - a music teacher named Anne Stavely. Sadly, she is murdered.

RUTH RAWLINSON

In Service Of All The Dead, Morse is seen kissing church worker Ruth. Unluckily, she turns out to be in league with the killer.

DOCTOR GRAYLING RUSSELL

Throughout the third season of stories, Morse was seen flirting with the new pathologist, Grayling Russell. Tragically, before it came to anything, she was written out of the series.

BERYL NEWSOME

In Masonic Mysteries, the good detective is starring in The Magic Flute, whilst also attempting to get involved with one of his co-stars, Beryl Newsome. Heartbreakingly, she is killed before the first performance of the play. She is also killed before any other kind of performance can take place, as Morse tries to tell Bottomley (see Rivals).

EMMA PICKFORD

With the theme tune being used as instrumental music, but played in the major key for the first time, it is hinted in Fat Chance that Morse has spent the night with Emma Pickford. Maybe he has, because she isn't killed, and nor does she turn out to be the murderess.

SUSAN FALLON

In Dead On Time, we meet Susan Fallon, Morse's first true love from his student days, who married an Oxford professor, and moved away, leaving Morse heartbroken. Many years later, her husband Henry commits suicide and Morse falls in love with her all over again. Unluckily, she assisted Henry Fallon to kill himself, and has a suicide pact with him. So, as she turns out to be the murderer, and she dies as well, it is little wonder Morse is so smitten by her.

X

XXXX

"They don't spell their beer with four Xs for nothing, you know" says Morse in Promised Land after ordering an orange juice in a bar. However, the Xs should have been saved for the flow of expletives from the Australian police. "Yes sir, no sir, I'm a stupid pommy bastard, sir!" screams a detective as Morse's awkwardness leads him to the end of his tether. Fortunately, they all part friends at the end of the episode.

Y

"YOU'RE A GENIUS, LEWIS.....BECAUSE YOU TALK LIKE MRS. PREECE"

says Morse at the end of The Sins Of The Fathers, after Lewis unwittingly provides the missing link in his chain of deduction by saying "Do you think she'll stay with him when the money runs out?"

The immediate result of this is Morse jamming on the brakes of his Jaguar, causing distress and anger to the motorist behind him, followed by Morse saying, "Say that again. Say exactly what you just said." Lewis obligingly repeats himself, and the Chief Inspector realises that a key telephone call was not made the aforementioned Mrs. Preece, who would never have said "remain" rather than "stay" due to her more lower-middle class breeding. Thus Lewis saves the day. This would be fine, except that this happens in more episodes than it should, due to lazy writers and their unresolvable plots. Hardly a story goes by without Lewis innocently saying something such as "See you in the morning", or "We haven't met", giving and Morse the clue he needs - "Whaaat? Say that again, Lewis" - to subsequently solve the case.

Z

ZENITH PRODUCTIONS

The television company responsible for all the episodes of Inspector Morse apart from the two most recent ones - The Way Through The Woods and The Daughters of Cain. John Thaw's Amberlodge Productions has also been credited on several episodes, although oddly enough Kevin Whately has never been asked about any important editorial decisions. When Colin Dexter revealed in Death Is Now My Neighbour that Morse's first name was Endeavour, Whately admitted that Sergeant Lewis would never have been able to work it out, and indeed, Whately himself looked a little perplexed by what was going on.