Another in my short series of "Jam" inspired sketches

Number Two - "The Wedding Car"

[once more played in an undertone with no one getting excited or angry, once more situated in a setting of otherwise total silence. A proud father is standing with his wife and daughter on the morning of the latter's wedding. The wedding car pulls up and is covered in manure]

Father : Excuse me.

Driver : Yes, sir?

Father : Is this the car for the Patterson wedding party?

Driver : Indeed it is sir.

Father : Hmm.

Driver : Is there a problem sir?

Father : Well... I couldn't help...

Driver : Sir?

Father : The car...

Driver : It is a beauty isn't it sir.

Father : That may well be the case but it is...

Driver : Yes sir?

Father : Covered... covered...

Driver : Yes they did go overboard with the ribbons. I'm a two ribbon man myself but the firm's motto is "there's no such thing as too much of a good thing"

Father : It's not the ribbons.

Driver : Then what, sir?

Father : The car is covered in shit.

Driver : Shit, sir?

Father : Shit. Absolutely covered in shit.

Driver : Where, sir?

Father : All over. I've never seen so much shit in one place at one time and I grew up on a farm.

Driver : That must've been very interesting, sir.

Father : It was - I'd recommend it to anyone. It's the best education a man can get.

Driver : Indeed sir. Personally I send my children to a Swiss finishing school just to smooth the rough edges that are the natural result of having a driver for a father.

Father : Ah yes - the car - it's still covered in shit. I hope you won't take this personally but I'd prefer it if my daughter didn't arrive at her wedding in a car covered with shit.

Driver : That's very commendable of you, sir. If only more fathers were so concerned with the details. The world would be a nicer place.

Father : So you admit that the car is covered with shit?

Driver : Which car?

Father : Your car.

Driver : I assure you that this car is in perfect condition. It was only MOT'd last month and passed with flying colours.

Father : Be that as it may, there is about half a tonne of shit on it and I'm getting a little cheesed off. You can't even see through the windscreen because that too is covered in shit.

Driver : Would it help if I cleaned the windscreen?

Father : That would be a start.

Driver : (activates wipers and the powerful blades send large clumps of manure flying at the mother and bride to be) Is that better, sir?

Father : Now my wife and daughter are covered in shit too.

Driver : Really? How did that happen, sir?

Father : I suppose it doesn't really matter now. If we're all covered in shit then I don't see why we should be late getting to the church because we waited for a car that wasn't covered in shit.

Driver : That would be rather pointless, sir.

Father : One more thing...

Driver : Sir?

Father : Do you think you could tune the radio into Radio Two? It's the pop music quiz in five minutes and my wife and I do so enjoy it.

Driver : We always go the extra mile to offer satisfaction to our customers.

Father : Thank you.

9th November 2003