Everyone has heard about porn films with pun names based around hit movies. "Shaving Ryan’s Privates", "Jurassic Pork" and lots more that you’ve laughed about in the pub, the office or in church. They are a genre all of their own and one which I have no real interest in talking about. No. I want to celebrate the awfulness of the soft core porn spoofs with such incredibly clever titles as "The Erotic Witch Project" and "The Sexy Sixth Sense". Such movies are available for about a fiver from Blockbuster and also from my new favourite home of pornographic reviews – Amazon.co.uk.

The first thing that strikes one when reading about these films is that, although not made in the UK, they are made by a porn industry whose mind and wallet work in similar ways. They are also subject to the same absurd censorship laws that we have. Which, in practice, means no men in these films as they are (a) expensive and (b) are not much use if you can’t show cock.

So let’s begin our celebration of these classic "lesbian" films with Playmate Of The Apes. The Amazon synopsis says "Gaylor and her fellow female astronauts land on a strange planet and discover that it is inhabited by a race of intelligent apes. After being caught and imprisoned by the apes Gaylor has to use her charms to start a sexual revolution as the apes can't keep their hand off her body..."

I think you can see the problem straight away. The women-dressed-as-apes porn market is small. Even if we assume that they don’t go all the way and have her all hairy and flea ridden, she’s still got a face that would make even Leslie Ash draw the line.

But one viewer enjoyed it and his ***** rating was accompanied with this review. "This movie is great! tons of wang in booty action! butt if u dont like to watch hot chicks doin it with apes, dont get it."

I won’t get it then. Will you?

"Apocalypse Climax" is quite a mouthful. But an expert tells us it is heavily cut and he’s terribly disappointed. I just thought I’d mention it because I liked the "mouthful" line.

"The Erotic Witch Project" is next up and seems to harbour ambitions to be a proper film. "This film actually follows the Blair Witch outline fairly closely. First we see the gang preparing for the camping trip, then we hear stories from some spoofalicious Bacchusville townsfolk, and then we head off into the woods equipped with camcorders. Only one of the girls actually believes in the Erotic Witch, but certain "objects" mysteriously left near their camping sites do seem to have a direct relation to the fabled lady of promiscuity." But then… "their clothes are stolen and they wander naked through the woods, haunted by spooky sounds but too busy making out to worry about it."

Reviews for the film vary as you would expect. One viewer says "I'm Mach10 me and my partner Neck thought that the gorilla bit was just, like erm ssssoooo pathetic!!! This film did not arouse me once and I think I am gonna stick with Queer As Folk." Call me odd but I’m guessing that if one gets turned on by Queer as Folk, a lesbian porn movie might not have been the best thing to buy. By contrast, "A complete rip off of the blair which but the most fantastic film i've ever seen. Women monking women from start to end. It makes you horny and is not just for the men!" writes "butchdangle"

This article may not be good but I’m finding it educational. "Monking" is a new word in my vocab. I’m going to use it every day from now on. Oh and butch thought this was the "Best Film ever" btw.

"Sexy Scary Movie 2" gets this ambiguous criticism from David. "People that will find this erotic are either people that are so pathetically sad they get turned on by the mere sight of a nipple or boys under the age of 12" Now I know what he means but imagine a skim reading paedophile being presented with that sentence. That would be £15.99 down the drain. But he’s a paedophile so don’t waste your sympathy on him.

"Sexscape - Lesbians From Beyond" features the novel plot of a race of aliens who can no longer breed coming to Earth and adopting human form. The immediate flaw in that plot is that lesbians, on the whole, don’t breed. I don’t know why – maybe they’re just busy. But statistically they don’t.

"Bigwoz" ignored this faux pas when describing the film as "the dogs bollox!" In his defence he lists his home town as Northampton which goes some way to explaining his rather limited erotic experience. He goes on to elaborate his love for the film, "this film was mind blowing! i had a stiffy for hours! the girls are fantastic, which really turned me on! it was an outstanding film! which is definetly worth watching!"

"The Sexy Sixth Sense" is the final motion picture under consideration today. A wittier title it is hard to imagine. The plot of the film is neatly summed up by Amazon’s lucky synopsis writer. ""I'm ready to tell you my secret now", confesses thick-spectacled nerd Frances (Josh Robinson) to his glamorous shrink Dr Willies (Barbara Joyce) in The Sexy Sixth Sense, "I see dead strippers." She offers to help him get rid of them, and he replies, "Are you nuts, I want to know how to make them do stuff!""

"darkgenius" – who has reviewed every one of these movies for us – goes a little further and in one sentence manages to explain the fundamental difference between porn and real life and, by extension, why some of us… some of you may experience disappointment as you explore this world of ours. "His psychiatrist, who kindly offers to remove some of her clothes in order to gain his confidence, isn't really much help"

The film gets criticised for being bland and predictable but how many porn films can you name which include "a clown comes by to use Francis' bathroom for no discernible reason" amongst the list of scenes?

Perhaps the most damning criticism of the DVD comes with that most digital and versatile feature of the shiny discs – the extras. "The Sexy Sixth Sense disc includes frozen frames passed off as a photo gallery, a trailer, outtakes that aren't noticeably worse than the takes used in the film, and on-set time-wasting which reveals why few of the girls are allowed any dialogue in the film (they all sound like South Park characters)." So speaks "Rainbow Christen"

But – in conclusion – I feel slightly guilty for mocking these films without having seen them. As a responsible e-journalist it is my duty to view these DVDs first hand and assess them. Several hours of naked and writhing females may be a daunting prospect but I’m prepared to put them on hold while I watch the movies.