Here’s a thing that I only discovered last night. Amazon sells porn. Not proper porn – that is still the exclusive domain of seedy shops with covered windows and websites that will never let you leave them. Apparently. No, Amazon sell the kind of porn that you can buy from HMV. Heavily censored by the BBFC (sorry, heavily classified, by the BBFC) it contains only the merest hint of its true adult origins. But never the less, this harmless entertainment being available at Amazon was a revelation because – BECAUSE – Amazon carries reviews from buyers. Surely, I said to myself, no one would send in reviews of soft porn videos and DVDs. Well, I replied to myself, you’ll never know if you don’t look.

I looked and they do.

Penthouse’s 'Women In and Out of Uniform' earns four and a half stars thanks to two reviews from satisfied customers.

This title you would call very soft porn, but not bad for the money some great scenes of woman playing with each other (COZMIC. ) if you get turned on by female nurses, maids or female ambulance drivers this is the film for you, and i forgot to mention theres a good firelady scene.

And... I was pleasently suprised about this certain title if you like what the title suggests you will love this. At times it might get a tad boring and you may think not a lot is happening, but this is for a select audience and if uniforms is what you like you will not be dissapointed. Well worth a watch whatever your preferences i would reccomend it to all fans of the genre.

The second one is fascinatingly contradictory as apparently this title is "for a select audience" but "well worth a watch whatever your preferences" at the same time.

'Ben Dover - Essex Girls', with it’s tasteful bared buttocks cover, gets a five star review from a view who lists his home town as "moon".

i wacked off 18 times in an hour to this, it was fuckin ace

He must’ve thanked his lucky stars that his quick performances prevented too much soreness. Two and a half minutes rest between each go must’ve helped enormously.

'Better Sex Series - Better Oral Sex Techniques' is one of those "educational" titles which get a more generous treatment by the cens… classifiers. The Amazon clientele are in two minds as to whether it is a quality release or not. On the one hand…

This is just a basic how to video. If you're looking for more detail than what fits where and in what position then avoid this DVD.

…but on the other hand…

a definate must for anyone who enjoys sex.

Now that’s clever – targeting the niche "people who enjoy sex" demographic.

'Spread Them Wide' is an American release – one of those that likes to pretend it’s a proper film. Opinion is split about the quality of the film.

it has all the things this sort of movie is ment to have a great story line and brillliant acting trought says "buzby". Assuming he means "throughout" rather than "trout", he’s still claiming that porn films have great storylines and brilliant acting. Can anyone confirm this to be the case?

'The Pamela and Tommy Lee sex video' is, so they say, a very poor release. Lacking both nudity and sex, it proved a disappointment to the porn buying public. But "a viewer" comes good (ha!) with the following tip.

Go to scene 12 click on the A-B button(repeat) on your DVD player and when the stupid birthday opening footage comes up press the A-B again then it will repeat the best bit of the whole DVD.

'Teenage Lesbian Maids' – a DVD whose cover claims it’s a "very rude video" – rates one star and gets two scathing reviews. One is a tad hysterical and the other a touch pretentious.

Wiv out a doubt the most terrible thing i have ever had the displeasure of watching. AVOID LIKE THE PLAGUE OTHERWISE YOU WILL END UP WANTING TO KILL YOURSELF!!!

I wasn't expecting anything more than the title surgested. The women where ok ish but the cinematography was terrible

The obsession that the British porn industry seems to have for cotton-wool soft core pseudo-lesbian laughable fetish titles continues with 'Maid of Desire' ("Three rather unattractive woman just stroking each others legs for an hour, waste of money"), 'Anything to Declare' ("not that bad apart from the acting, the script and the lack of any sexual taste") and 'Confessions Of Naughty Students' ("One girl, the sexiest of the lot, doesn't even take her knickers off & in another 2 girls strip but are extremely patronising to the viewer.")

I notice a trend for school girl movies. These generally feature the belief that the audience has masturbated themselves into such a myopic haze that they can’t tell the difference between a school girl and a thirty something year old woman in a school uniform. But lest you think these releases pander to a suppressed paedophilia within their viewers, Dirty Sixth Formers apparently has a "great storyline" according to the buyer who rated it five stars. The phenomenon of the elderly "school girl" is never more paradoxically addressed than in the bizarrely named 'Mature Young Girl 16 ½' which the cover shows stars a woman who is surely closer to the menopause than she is to puberty.

"Male 2000" despairs at the quality of movie on display. His passionate plea sums up the concerns of a generation.

"why do they think lesbians only rub their tits together!!"

Good point.

I may return to the arena of what Amazon describes on one page as "A selection of scenes of adult erotica, featuring a variety of women in a number of situations" in the future. In the meantime I have a basket full of DVDs to pay for.