I Nothing Like I Better To Do

A return to the sticky Katy Hill message board

Mr Hunt was kind enough to say recently that he is deeply fond of my original dive into the murky world of the Katy Hill message board. And so, like the unoriginal and deeply derivative old thing that I am, I’ve decided to bring you some more choice cuts from this wank stain on the e-duvet that is our beloved internet.

The most recent message sets the scene for our very own Return to Oz. “Horny Geezer” took time out of his busy schedule to write “Katy Hill is so fucking hot, I wanna bang her up against a wall”.

Such simplicity in the genre of one handed poetry contrasts neatly with “al” who has an altogether more complicated scenario in mind.

“Would love to see the competitive Katy wrestle another celeb. Both in short skirts with hair pulling allowed. Perhaps Anthea Turner, Cat Deeley or Claire Sweeney would give her a close fight. Anybody else share this fantasy.”

I don’t know where he gets the idea that Katy Hill is “competitive” unless there is a real life Fight Club for children’s TV presenters and he has to make do with reading the results online. If such a place did exist I’d reckon Josie D’Arby would be the undefeated champion.

But these boards are not just about sad men having fantasies about Katy Hill. Oh no. The next two examples prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that Katy Fandom is not just the preserve of the male masturbator.

“Katy's tits are a lot bigger in the flesh!! Takes a lot of spunk to cover them!!” writes a guy called “matt” who has obviously seen them (and seeded them) in person. Otherwise how could he possibly know this? He states it as a fact and who are we to doubt him?

“Andy” is another member of the board who has first hand (as opposed to right hand) experience to speak of. “Without question Katy Hill is the best shag. it was the best £250 i have ever spent, and she didnt even make me wear a condom! Slut or what????”

And “Cath Scoffield” dispels the other half of the male masturbator myth with this post “I am a lesbian nympho slut with 42hh boobs and I want to fuck Katy so much too. I also wank over Katy every saturday. Cum on guys, what do you want me to do to Katy?” It’s wonderful how balance is brought to a board full of horny blokes by a lesbian with big breasts who likes Katy Hill.

For whatever reason, “Cath” catches the attention of her fellow posters with offers like the above and this message which really sums up what it means to be a gay woman in 2004. “oh yes paul, i'd luv to fuck katy with a huge strap on dildo while you wanked over her face, then i'd lick it off her. what else do you want me to do to the bitch?”

But lest you think that this board is just around for the posting of meaningless filth, “GJ” has a serious enquiry to put to the Katy Hill Massive.

“Does Katy give a good Blowjob and if she does, does she swallow??”

Funnily enough I’d been wondering that myself. “The Dong” has the answer for us and it’s clearly something he feels very strongly about. So strongly in fact that he’s almost lost control of his tongue. “adsolutely” he said and he means every word of that. His colleague “jonno” takes a more balanced approach. “in my fantasies katy gives the best blowjobs and swallows when i want her to or takes a face full too!” It’s nice to know one can be both horny and a Liberal Democrat.

I will leave you with the curse of the message board – the argument. No board is immune from bust-ups and brawls, not even one devoted to the harmless slandering of Katy Hill. Her tribute site was ravaged by what has become known as “The Dave vs. Bob War”. If you are strong, read on as I publish the entire feud.

Dave : fuck me katy you slut!

Bob : Is that all you can say?..

Wow – that was brutal. I need a lie down. Until my next slice of life as a Katy Hill admirer, goodnight.