Katy Hill often used toilet roll holders on BP but meet them men who used the toilet roll

You may have noticed the Searches section of the site. A collection of terms entered into search engines which produced a Vervoidian result close enough to the top of the list for someone to actually click on it. The page by no means lists all the search hits we receive. I had the idea to add little icons to show which were sexual, which were just plain weird and which were Blue Peter related. I haven’t yet found a sufficiently good icon for “just plain weird” but the other two are in place as we speak. I was surprised at how few Blue Peter ones there were. Then I realised that we get a lot of repetition in the BP searches. The first time one sees “Liz Barker naked” one chuckles. Sidebar, I’m not sure I want to see her naked. She’s always struck me as one of those incredibly cute women who would prove disappointing sans clothes. I’ve no idea why and chances are I’d taker her up on the offer were she to make it to me. Anyway, I digress, the Blue Peter searches are many but not various. I include new ones (or new twists on old ones) but the list is not representative of the Blue Peter internet obsession.

I always click on the searches to make sure they will look genuine. Some search engines have such a high turnover rate that by the time I come to look at them the rankings have changed so much that we are no where to be seen. Today I followed the link for the ungrammatical “pics of liz of of blue peter naked” and noticed that slightly further down was a Katy Hill message board. I admit to a certain curiosity as to what a Katy Hill message board could possibly contain. The former Mrs Frampton has never struck me as a particularly interesting person. I know that a lot of people fancy her (I was always much more keen on Romana D’Annunzio) but could that sustain a whole board? It seemed unlikely. When I saw that the URL was “stepsworld” it seemed inevitable that it would be some ghastly teeny forum full of gibberish messages. I loathe such places but – as with my recent investigations of Alex Parks fandom – they are a necessary evil. They are also like real life in that I instinctively hate everyone there because they sound so cretinous but without the need to pay for car parking.

I was wrong about this site. It wasn’t a bunch of gibbering teens, it was a bunch of slobbering blokes. Weird slobbering blokes. I would not insult either you or me, dear reader, by repeating the base filth that made up the bulk of these tragic messages. I will, however, make a few exceptions because I feel in my heart of hearts that we should laugh at such (literal) tossers just as our ancestors laughed at mental people in jail.

It starts out innocently enough with “if anyone has any images of Katy's feet could they please post a reply to this msg.She has the most amizing feet id love to massage them for her” being the first post one comes to. It’s harmless enough. I’ve never seen the appeal of feet myself but who am I to argue with someone who likes them? You are saying to yourself that I am being harsh to these posters. They are nice chaps who just want to pamper a clean cut young demi-celebrity.

The next thread to take my eye was entitled “Katy Boot Fetish” but the first post actually said “does any1 else think katy has/had a bot fetish? she wore them alot!!!!!!!!!!!” It got the following, and I thought somewhat curious, reply. “I LOVE IT WHEN KATY WEARS KNEE HIGH BOOTS, I HAV FIILED DAYS WHEN I SEE HER AND HERE SEXY BOOTS” One almost fears to imagine how he filled the days when he saw Katy Hill in knee high boots. I certainly wouldn’t fancy your or my chances arm wrestling someone like that.

Oh dear. Now we come to “henry” who posts this intellectually stimulating question.

“Who would you like to see katy put over her thighs and spank...

Charlotte Church

Tina O'Brien

Fearne Cotton

Sian Williams”

The obvious answer to which came in the form of “Me, i'd just love to be across her gorgeous knee and feel the sting of her hand on my bare bottom

YUM :-)”

This is the first but by no means the last mention of Ms Hill’s backside. Comments range from “12 out of 10 i could lick her lovely bumhole all day, if her anus is anything like the rest of her it would taste lovely” to this lengthy (and rather distasteful) sonnet. It is pornographic and rather tragic to write out but I think it’s worth it for the little post script that the author puts at the (no pun intended) bottom.

“Just like to say that I'd love to fuck Katy up her athletic, toned arse. I bet it's so tight I'd have trouble even getting my big bell end past her brown eye so I'd have to spit all over her arse hole to lube her up a bit. Easing even a centimetre of throbbing dick into that dream ass would start Katy panting and screaming that she can't take it. Thats all the encouragement I'd need to grab her hips and trust my full nine inches straight up her shitter in one swift movement. She would fucking love it!!!! "Fuck my bum baby, fuck my bum hard!!!," Katy would be shouting in her sexy, lisping voice as I rammed in and out of her vice-like arse, "Cum for me, cum in my dirt little bum" she'd demand. Happy to oblige I'd empty my nuts deep in her arse, Katy panting like an animal as string after string of my spunk flys into her.

Katy if you're reading this I am not an insane stalker or anything similar but would very much like to fuck up up the shitter... if you could get back to me that would be great!”

The thread then gets more amusing when someone calling themselves “Katy Hill” replies in agreeing terms. The dialogue goes back and forth for a while (you don’t want to know the details) before someone with nothing better to do with their life feels the need to post “COME ON GUYS THIS IS BLATANTLY NOT KATY REPLYING.” I was in some doubt until that moment and now I feel silly.

Things become a little heated as, with the spectre of Katy watching over them like the speaker of the House of Commons, this exchange takes place.

John : I fancy Katy but was always annoyed how she went on about her viriginity blah blah till marriage. Well funny she waited till she was 28 then splits with hubby after 6 months. Not surprised - she probably couldnt shag any better than a 16 year old.

Lee : I disagree, I would love to have Katy bouncing on top of me, she is gorgeous and I would treat her like a real lady and go at it all night with her. JOhn is probably a sad spotty fat prick with nothing better to do than slag sexy Katy. Katy, dont listen, I would gladly have you shag me baby.

It’s nice to know what our top barristers discuss when not counting their money.

The tragic posters get a good telling off when Katy’s obviously genuine husband turns up and gives them the verbal spanking they would’ve preferred to have from his wife.

“You lot are complete assholes. You fantasize about my wife far to much, but just to let you know she is great in bed. She likes to play with you a bit, so first she lets you undress her, then she lets you rub you hands all over her body, squeezing her tits and rubbing my hands up and down her legs. Then she gives a fucking greta blow job, before grabbing me, pushiong down on the bed so she is on top of me, and holding me down. Then she shags me. Again and again. And she is so good. Better than you wil ever have. So get a life and yourselves girlfriends or some tjing, but leave my katy alone.”

But the internet is just like real life and here comes “leanne” to expose this man with her Poirot style of deduction. “if u were her husband u wouldn't say that coz it's disrespectful”. Another case solved with panache.

I will allude to but not quote from the bestial porn which some more than tragic retards wrote with one hand and close this unusual missive with the one member of the board who is not a sex obsessed creep but is, in fact, just plain insane. He calls himself David Christopher Miedzianik and his oft repeated posts (seriously – this guy posts everything about six times) beg – literally – for someone to write a song about him.

“Can someone do a song about me? Like that old "Weather Girls" hit "It's Raining Men Hallelujah", or something? Later to be done, as a cover version, by one of The Spice Girls. All the info, for doing a song about me, is on Internet search”

“Get me some dates, or some songs done about me, or something?

“If someone does a song about me then I might get a few dates or something? THANX”

“I'm stuck up a mountainside by myself here in Idaho Springs, Colorado. At 7,500 feet in a motel room by myself. If someone wants to take me out for a date for Christmas???? Then e-mail me here at: (removed) Failing that then do a song about me.”

I’d like to think that he was sitting down, alone, on New Year’s Eve and had a knock on his cabin door. It opened and there was Katy Hill, in black leather boots, with a whole sack load of rhymes for Miedzianik. But somehow I doubt it.

22nd January 2004