What follows was a short story
that I penned for some reason back in 2002. It was for a message board
(possibly the old Master's Take Over the Universe Cult) and there was some
sort of spoof slash fanfic one upping thing going on at the time. It's a
bit rubbish but it might raise something. Hopefully a smile.
The boy knew he had only
a few seconds to reach the transmat before the whole ship would explode.
He rushed from the console and slapped the activation button 1.4934785
seconds before destruction (he worked it out in his head to as many
decimal places as time would allow). So far so good.
Tegan was flipping through a copy of Mayfair and wondering whether the
lock on her bedroom door worked when the Doctor knocked and entered in one
movement.
“The sonic discomboobulators are misphasing” he said to her. Well, he
probably didn't but that is what she heard. Or what she thought she heard.
She couldn’t really bring herself to care. The Doctor was always faffing
around with things and bemusing her with techno babble. He hadn’t even
noticed the magazine which she had half hidden under a cushion – so much
for his powers of observation. Maybe if he noticed more than he talked he
might be able to get her back to London and the life she’d left behind.
“I might be able to unfold the anti-shielding wombats before I tellify the
underfilaments.”
“Whatever.” He scampered off to the console room and she returned to her
magazine. Something was stirring.
The boy had reached his destination – the planet Cyfalys and a man called
Manadzov. Manadzov was famous. More famous than a man of his profession
ought to be. It was said that if Manadzov couldn’t make your dreams come
true, no one could. The boy pushed the door open and took a seat in the
waiting room.
Tegan put the magazine down – it wasn’t the same. She needed the real
thing. Nyssa had made it quite clear that she wasn’t interested (not that
she’d ever asked her – Tegan had a sixth sense which never let her down),
the cute airhostess had been too busy making gooey eyes at the pilot and
all those sexy soldiers had been killed by cyber robots. She wasn’t having
much luck.
The boy had waited for an eternity. He’d read every magazine ever
published, worked out pi to eight hundred thousand decimal places and
written a post card to his auntie Maud. Finally the receptionist called
for him and he went in to meet his future.
“Do you understand what is going to happen to you ?” asked Manadzov.
“Yes” croaked the boy. Was he having second thoughts ? No – he’d had
second thoughts and they turned out to be the same as his first thought.
And his first thought was correct. Everything backed him up. It was the
right thing to do. Manadzov brought out a small surgical saw and his hairy
nurse brandished a needle. The boy fainted.
It was the first time they’d left the Tardis in a week. The cathartic
moraliser had packed up and the Doctor needed a replacement so Tegan had
plenty of time to have a mooch round the back streets of Vulvia. She had
quickly realised that desperation had its limits and decided to restrict
her activities to the acquisition of a new magazine. She was carelessly
spinning a display when she felt a hand on her bottom.
“Hey” she began but stopped. That face – it was as if she’d seen it before
and yet…
“Looking for a good time ?” asked the girl. Tegan felt as if she’d known
the girl for years – always a good sign she thought. “I have a room”.
“Why not ?” asked Tegan and they went off together.
She had waited so long for this and was determined to enjoy it. Tegan and
the girl were wrapped together in blissful lust and could feel the moment
begin to erupt. Tegan moved into fourth gear and the girl yelped with
delight. All thoughts of the Doctor had fled Tegan’s mind as she worked
the girl as a puppeteer works his doll. The girl’s head exploded, her soul
rejoiced and she called out in ecstasy.
“Ohhhh Calculus” she groaned. Tegan’s head popped up.
“Adric ?” she shouted.
“Oops” stammered the girl.
Tegan threw up.
No one would’ve believed her so she didn't bother telling anyone. She
picked up a magazine (videos always, always have compatibility issues and
the Tardis DVD player was, infuriatingly, stuck on Region 9) and a book of
erotic maps before joining the Doctor outside the Tardis.
“You look rather flushed” said the Doctor.
“I’ve been er… running” she replied.
“Mmm. Let me show you the new oscillating shift detector I’ve bought.”
“Why not ?” she said. “Does it vibrate ?”
“A little – if you stand too close to it.”
“Then I want you to tell me all about it.”
“I’m glad you’ve taken an interest” he told her and he put a paternal arm
around her.
The end.
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