I mentioned at an elsewhere about my main recurring dream - the one about being back in education and in some way unable to do what was required. Well I have two other recurring dream themes to adumbrate to you, the reading several.

The first is that I somehow bump into Clare. She was my first true love back in the olden days. It’s actually ten years almost to the day since I last saw her and she pops up from time to time in my sleeping hours. Sometimes she is exactly the same as she was when we parted after an energetic disagreement about a library book. Other times she is older, wiser, blonder or otherwise changed. The oddest thing about dreaming of Clare is that the first time I dreamed about her was before we met. That’s not strictly true as I’ve known her since we were both two years old. Mother tells me (and no doubt her mother told her) about the time we had an energetic disagreement about a Kermit the Frog that was bigger than both of us combined when we were in play group together. Disagreements, energetic or otherwise, were a feature of our time together. But it wasn’t until fate (in the form of the sixth form common room being a haven for Neanderthals and the careers room being a much quieter affair) stepped in and brought us together at the age of 16 that we actually spoke as people. When I was fourteen or possibly fifteen I dreamed about a girl that I was involved with. She wasn’t called Clare in the dream but the physical description was a good match and, most oddly of all, was that they lived in the same place. In the dream I remember (still, all this time later) riding my bike to see her. It seems somehow appropriate that she was a girl in my dreams, became the girl of my dreams and to this day remains an occasional visitor to my dreams.

Every time I dream of her it affects me. One of my great emotional strengths slash weaknesses is that I never seem to get round to falling out of love with people. The insane passion calms down after a while but of the four people I can say honestly that I have been in love with, I am still in love with all of them. So being reminded of Clare is always an interesting experience. Sometimes we get on in the dreams, other times it is fleeting. We’ve had heart to heart chats about how we’re perfect for each other and we’ve had cursory nods in the street. The only line of dialogue I can remember from any of them was her asking me what I did after university and I said "Had a breakdown". She took it in her stride which suggests she was right all those times she told me she knew me better than I knew myself. I don’t know what she’s up to now. I heard from somewhere that she went to America and married a Carolinian. But that might have been something she told me in one of the dreams.

Which is all terribly sweet and nice but the other side of the coin are the anger dreams. Boy do I get cross when I’m asleep. I’ve been getting them quite regularly of late, which is odd as I don’t feel packed with pent up rage. Getting away from the Old Place has mellowed me considerably. I’m not as bitter and twisted as I was in that poisonous environment of back stabbing, power trips and insanity. The general gist of the dreams (and as usual each dream is thematically similar while being different in setting, characters and events) is that something has triggered me off, off camera as far as I can remember, and I am angry. But it isn’t the normal anger of a sane person. This is mania. This is breakdown fury. I shout at people, I throw things, I break things but the only person I ever harm is myself. I’ve slashed away at my limbs with greater fury than I ever have while awake. The anger I feel is not the (self) justified anger of the rage. It is the painful anger of something that builds from nothing and self destructs because there is no where else to go. I’ve not yet killed myself in a dream but it can only be a matter of time. The last few times have seen the anger mainly directed at my parents. I don’t know why that should be as I don’t feel any anger while I’m awake. Well, certainly no more than the average twenty eight year old feels towards mother and father. One exception was when the phone rang (which shows it must be a dream as ntl: still haven’t mended my phone line and it’s been over a fortnight since they were told to come, the hell, around and fix it) and it was a work call. Somehow the call handling team had put this guy through to my home phone. But that was venting rather than the insane rage of most of my anger dreams. That was him getting pissy with me and me slicing him apart with my acid tongue. Not that I have a literally acidic tongue, Sue. Just in case you’re reading this. Or Clare even. Or persons 3 and 4 on my love list if you want to be completionists. And I know most of you reading this bought "Creature From the Pit" on VHS so you must be completionists. Ha.

I won’t bother trying to explain the dreams in any great detail. They’re both fear dreams – one is that love is in my past not my future and the other is that one day I’m going to have a serious mental breakdown. I can’t honestly say I doubt either prophecy.