Conspiracy theories

Conspiracy theories eat up peoples lives to an alarming degree. Exactly what the line is between investigation and obsession is fairly blurry but I would guess that its position is relative to the importance of the subject of the alleged conspiracy. The assassination of Kennedy by shadowy factions of the US government is important and should be studied even if the powers that be have discredited the whole concept as the purview of cranks, nutters and the criminally tragic. At the other end of the scale we have what amounts to little more than seemingly justified paranoia. Such as the coincidental return of someone who dislikes you shortly after their only friend has sacked you for no reason. But somewhere in between lies the showbiz conspiracy theory and they are even more fun than UFO ones.

I was first introduced to the PID by the Vervoid’s own Aunty Carol back in the days when we’d spend endless hours talking about nothing (much as we do now only we literally talk about nothing due to MSN being crap). The gist – for those that don’t know – is that Paul McCartney died sometime in the 60s and was replaced by a fake by the remaining Beatles. It is a very amusing way to spend an evening trawling through the websites devoted to "evidence" of this conspiracy. I make no bones about knowing practically nothing about the Beatles and couldn’t refute one single piece of the Valeyard’s so called evidence but I do know twaddle when I read it. Here are some of the "facts" taken from the Sgt Pepper album.

The people are looking at what appears to be a freshly dug grave.

The yellow flowers (directly below the flowers that spell Beatles) are in the shape of a bass guitar. Paul was the bass player for The Beatles.

There are three sticks on the yellow flowers that represent the strings of the bass. There are only THREE sticks to represent the THREE remaining Beatles.

Also, notice that the yellow flowers spell out 'PAUL?'; questioning Paul's existence.

The doll on the right of the cover (in the white, black, and red stripes) has a small white car, with a blood red interior, on her lap. This is a model of the car that Paul died in.

Directly below the doll's left foot is a white vase with yellow flowers in it. If you look closely it resembles a car plummeting over a cliff with flames coming out of the back end.

Below the 'T' in Beatles is a statue of the Hindu God Shiva 'The Destroyer.' Its hand points directly to Paul.

Notice The Beatles standing behind the drum in the centre of the photo. They are standing sideways except for Paul who is facing directly forward. John, Ringo, and George look *three dimensional* while Paul looks like one of the cardboard cut-outs.

Paul is the only one holding a black instrument. Black is associated with death. This may seem insignificant now, but it turns up a few more times.

This is the first occasion where we see an open palm above Paul McCartney's head. There are many different theories as to what this signifies. It is generally taken to mean either that the person under the open palm will soon die or has recently passed away. As you will see, this turns up quite a few times.

Take a small mirror, or the bottom of a CD will work, and place it perpendicular to the centre of the drum, so that you split 'LONELY HEARTS' in half. Now read the combined writing on the drum and the mirror. It says 1 ONE 1 X HE | DIE. '1 ONE 1' equals three, another reference to three Beatles. The 'X' crosses out Paul because he is no longer alive. And the arrow between 'He' and 'Die' points directly to Paul.

The Fab Four are sitting facing the camera. On Paul's left arm is a patch that says O. P. D. (Officially Pronounced Dead), much like D. O. A. (Dead on Arrival).

The photo was taken at such an angle, and with Paul's sleeve folded, so that it appears to say O. P. D. when in reality it reads O. P. P. This stands for the 'Ontario Provincial Police.'

Another interpretation is that William Campbell was once a police officer in Canada. The lyrics to 'She Came in Through the Bathroom Window' explain this.

Paul is facing backwards, to signify that the man in the photograph is an impostor.

Paul, George, and John were all about the same height, but in this photo Paul appears higher than the other two. This represents that he is *rising up,* ascending if you will.

The words "Without You" are coming out the side of Paul's head, from the song title "Within You, Without you."

George's thumb is pointing to the lyrics "Wednesday morning at 5 o'clock," the time of Paul's death.

George's (in red) hand makes an L, John's (in green) a V, and Ringo's (in pink) an E. Paul (in blue) is the HOLE where the O would be in the word LOVE.

I really don’t know if it is admirable or tragic. Should we applaud those whose minds can work in such a way or not? Are we in danger of ignoring the advice of the great detectives and twisting the facts to fit our theories rather than altering our theories to fit the facts?

And does it matter anyway? I’ve already nailed my barbarism to the mast but even I know that Paul McCartney (real or fake) has done a lot of work since 1966 or whenever he died. So if he was replaced by a look-alike, it was a damn talented look-alike. The Frog Chorus aside, obviously. And possibly Spies Like Us.

Everyone should visit http://www.geocities.com/SunsetStrip/3674/pid.html to, in the words of Bucks Fizz (who have not yet been implicated in wrong doing unless you count Eurovision), make your mind up.

But an even greater conspiracy was perpetuated within these sceptred isles. Documents have come into my possession which I will be sharing with you shortly about the conspiracy known only by its initials - D.O.C.T.O.R.

Watch this space.

9th March 2004