“I tell you what, Brian, I love the colour of their shirts”

That’s the sort of thing you used to hear during a commentary. Witless former footballers suffering from the after effects of too many head-to-ball incidents or an overdose of perming fluids during the nineteen seventies and early eighties swapping inanities with solid and doughy anchor men who would rather pay a prostitute with a traceable company credit card than say something controversial or interesting. But, as Dylan the Rabbit once said, the times they are a-changing. These days commentary is just as likely to mean the alternative soundtrack on a digital versatile disc than it is “Big” Ron Atkinson telling people who are playing at a considerably higher level than he ever achieved during his mediocre career what they should do if they want to win games and not end up sat next to Clive Tyldesly.

There is no doubt that the commentary is – by and large – my favourite DVD extra. Sometimes the presence of fabled missing scenes can sway the balance but generally it is the commentary which interests me. There are many different kinds of commentary, as we shall see, but the simple and frankly unnatural idea of a group of people talking over a programme or film is one which it staggers me took so long to invent. They were initially to be found on laser discs (a charmingly premature idea where discs the size of LP’s would hold bits of movies. You could watch something like Armageddon and have to get out of your chair a mere half dozen times). In fact, Kevin Smith starts the commentary for Chasing Amy with the words “Fuck DVD” as he put his faith in the laser disc. His introduction to the DVD apologises with the embarrassment of a man who knows he backed the wrong side for the remark and since his DVDs tend to kick the asses of most similar cult movie releases I think we can forgive him.

Knowing my audience as I think I do, the first type of commentary to discuss is that to be found on Doctor Who discs. They are undoubtedly a mixed bag but as the Restoration Team have produced more and more discs, their skill in producing a good commentary has increased. The first – Robots of Death – was very dull. Featuring two behind the scenes chaps it lacked any theatrical pep and humour. The TV Movie bizarrely chose to go with a solo commentary from possibly the dullest man in pictures. Aside from pointing out some of the strange things that the BBC ordered cut from their first showing of the film, there was nothing of any interest in it what so ever. The ideal commentary seems to be where you have three to four people and within that is a mix of personalities and roles. Doctor Who is unusual in that it has conventions where the stars perform before an educated audience and, as a result, are better performers on DVD. It is one thing to learn lines, quite another to ad lib before six hundred paying guests.

Related to Doctor Who is the Tomorrow People which burst onto DVD with a popularity which surprised almost everyone. Though a poor show in itself, the discs are a treat thanks to the witty and mocking commentaries of Nicholas Young and Peter Vaughn Clarke. Utterly un-PC and with definite traces of bitterness that this cheap and tacky show effectively ended their television careers, Young and PVC point out every failing of script, design, effect and – more often than not – their own performances. The clearly audible opening of beer cans at several points indicates that this is exactly what it should be – two mates having a drink and a laugh. As I write this, the first three seasons are going to a mere £13.99 each at Play.com and I highly recommend you check them out (season 2 is the best for audio entertainment) and have a couple of evenings of pretty riotous fun. “What do you remember of him, Peter?” / “Apart from the fact that he was a screaming old poof you mean?”

Kissing Jessica Stein is a fantastic film and the commentary is remarkable in its own way too. The film was written by its two stars and they naturally provide the commentary. It is a breathtakingly dense fact fest. They never stop talking, often both at once, and you really get a sense of what goes into making an independent film like this. The entertainment value largely depends on whether you’re a geek (like me) and really care about what goes into making an independent film. The commentary is a medium through which an insane amount of information can be packed. But the fact that it is real time means they never get bogged down in the detail that they would if it were a lecture and they had the power to freeze the tape and rabbit on for hours.

Sometimes a film needs the commentary to explain just what the sodding heck was going on. Donnie Darko - blamed in these very quarters not so long ago for my chronically bad shoulder pain returning – was such a movie. If you ever choose to watch this (as I said in the pain column) do NOT buy the cheapo version. You must have the commentary. It will point out all sorts of things that you need to know. Similarly the League of Gentlemen’s commentaries are extremely useful in explaining the significance of things. Those who have seen the third season finale and thought it was weird need to buy the disc and hear the team explain what it was meant to be and why it wasn’t what they intended.

Some commentaries are just plain boring. I can’t really go into much detail about it as my short attention span means that the likes of The Filth and the Fury and Jodie Foster’s track on Contact haven’t got much beyond the fifth minute of silence. Sometimes they are boring in a different way – modern film contracts usually have a DVD commentary clause in them and the stars record them as part of the “job”. Therefore they are in selling mode and won’t say anything of interest. They are there to plug the film (even though you’ve already bought it) and pat each other on the back.

Finally you have the ones which are just overwhelming. The extended Lord of the Rings films have four commentaries each. Each running (naturally) the full three to four hours of the movie. Splendid value of course but part of me thinks that life is too short to spend that long on a single movie. But the beauty of them is that they are there to be listened to whenever I want them.

So I like commentaries. There are some that I’ve “watched” more often than the original film or programme. Indeed I have bought many discs primarily for the chance to hear the so called chat tracks. Some are entertaining, some are informative and the best ones are all that and more. Besides, they are the first paid work Matthew Waterhouse has had since his Caves of Androzani cameo so they can’t be all bad.